Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

Elastic Waistband

I hate taking off clothes at the end of the day and seeing marks on my skin from the clothes.

The fabric is entirely elastic. It's a big stretchy elastic belt, with giant circular grommets. You know what that's going to do? Push my stomach fat out on either side of it, and squeeze what little is left out through the grommet circles.

Man, this is doing wonders for my self-esteem, and I'm not even wearing it yet.

Forever 21 Zippered Grommet Belt - $6.80