The One With the Flow Chart

See, this is why I try to avoid the Topshop website.



Because they sell things like this. This is a fishnet skirt. That they are selling. To people. For money.

Many times, I will ask the public at large, "Who would wear this?" or "Why would you wear this?

This is not one of those times.

No, in case you're wondering whether or not you should wear this skirt, I've made a helpful flow chart. Click to enlarge.



There. Problem solved.

Topshop Fishnet Skirt - $44

It's a Hoot

If Hooters ever decides to open a high-end restaurant, I think I've found their uniforms.

Forever 21 Lace Bow Front Top - $34

On the Row

I have, of late, become obsessed with playing Saints Row 2. It's a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto, and my addiction has gotten so bad that, whenever I see a nice car, my first thought is: "Is that on my chop shop list?"

One of the things you can do in the game is buy and customize clothing. Because my character has a rockin' body and likes to pistol whip people, I've been dressing her in a fairly skanky manner. Okay, she looks like a ho. But a ho who pistol whips pedestrians.



I'm pretty sure she owns this skirt.

I like the suggestion that you pair it with, "netted tights and statement heels." Because keeping it classy would just be too easy. Then again, I guess if you're wearing this skirt, your only option really is to just go full-force trashy, because come on: it's not even a real leather skirt. They had to kill six Pleathers to make this thing. At least give it the courtesy of pairing it with an appropriately streetwalker-esque ensemble.

Forever 21 Boudoir Leatherette Skirt - $22.80

Junk in the Trunks

Ah, spring. The flowers bloom, the temperatures rise, and, if you work at American Apparel, your boss starts growing his summer mutton chops.



What's wrong, Random American Apparel model Who Is Also Probably A Personal Assistant Or Something, Because That's How They Roll Over In Creepyville? Why so glum? I mean, yeah, those are really shiny and plastic-looking. So I do understand being less than thrilled with that.

And I'm not really sure the circumstances under which you'd wear them. Yes, they're for swimming, but they're awfully high-rise for swimming shorts. Actually, they look like they'd be kind of uncomfortable.

Well, let's see them from the back to be sure.



To all you observant readers who have noticed that something is off about this picture, yes, you are correct. These are, as far as I can tell, not the model's legs. Because these swim trunks are unisex.

Of course they are. It's American Apparel. Why wouldn't these be unisex? Then again, I'm pretty sure all garbage bags are unisex, even the fancy tri-colored ones.

You can all blame Reader Ronnie for this one.

American Apparel Unisex Tri-Color Swim Trunk - $36

A Top With a View

I don't have any tattoos, but I would venture to guess that the most difficult thing about having a tramp stamp is finding new and exciting ways to display it. After a while, wearing low-rise jeans with a short t-shirt must get kind of boring.



With this top, you can show off that circle of leaping dolphins, framing it like the work of art that it is.



Unless you've decided to have one of the ten commandments tattooed across your lower back. In that case, you might want to keep it as covered as possible and hope it flies under God's radar, because I can't imagine he'd be thrilled with that development.

Wait, I take that back. If you've got a tramp stamp that says "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass," display it proudly. At least it's a little more contextually appropriate than a warning against false idols.

Left Coast Draped Keyhole Back Tee - $44

Truth In Advertising

I have to give Forever 21 credit for not playing coy with the name of this dress.



Some clothing companies would try to give it some cutesy name, but Forever 21 owns it: it's called the "Lace Boudoir Slip Dress," and there is no more perfect name for it.

Except maybe "That Dress Rachel Wore in the Episode of 'Friends' Where She Tried to Seduce Joshua At His Parents' House." But other than that, which is a rather lengthy title, I can't imagine a name that is more accurate than "Lace Boudoir Slip Dress."

Well done, Forever 21. Well done.

Forever 21 Lace Boudoir Slip Dress - $24

Shiny Tight Pants

Oh, Topshop. Just because you call something "trousers," that doesn't make them classy.



The cleaning instructions on these are simple: "Wipe clean."

Good to know all those hookers can save on their dry cleaning bills.

Topshop Skinny Shiny Trousers - $70

Boobtube is Right

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

But oh my god, I love this tube top so much because I love things that are ridiculously, over the top trashy. And this is. I want to wear it with leggings and big teased hair and long acrylic nails, and sit around drinking a martini while having a totally inappropriate conversation with my teenaged daughter about my "bubbies." This makes me want to marry a man vaguely connected to the mafia so I can be on the next season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Topshop Animal Print Boobtube - $36

Those Four Little Words

In the scheme of words that don't need to be included in the same description, I'd put "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts" are at the top of the list.

And yet?



Arden B. has bravely defied conventional wisdom and created a pair of shorts that combine all the greatest aspects of each of those words. Yes, these shorts truly embody everything that one may expect from the words "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts." So for that, I applaud them, and so should you.

Thank you, Arden B, for taking a stand and creating a pair of shorts that would otherwise only have been seen on hookers in a Pretty Woman remake. Thank you.

Arden B. Patent Leather Reptile Shorts - $48

Costume Ideas #4 - Cheap Sheena

For some reason, whenever I picture the Real Housewives of New Jersey dressed in Halloween costumes, I imagine them all dressed as kittens - black skintight jumpsuits, big teased hair, and a tail pinned on. Modeling this look is Teresa Giudice:



(thanks to MS Paint - sorry for the Perez-level quality)

Not that I normally picture - or edit pictures of - the Real Housewives in Halloween costumes. In fact, the only reason the mental image popped into my head was because I saw this dress.



If they get tired of dressing like their mafia husband's kitty, they can go as Sheena, Queen of Jersey.

Arden B. Shirred Animal Print Twist Strap Dress - $39.99
Buy.com Funky Cat Costume - $33.95

Really, Topshop?

I recently started surfing the Topshop site, thanks to intrepid field reporter Melissa (who will be featured in a later post for her intrepid field reporting). The first day I started looking through the site, I was delighted: it was the perfect mix of awful clothing and amazing clothing, so I didn't feel like it was too easy a target. But as I flipped through the different tabs I had opened, I had to check the url to make sure this dress did in fact come from Topshop and not Forever21.



Come on, Topshop. We both know you're better than this. Even your ugliest offerings don't look flat-out cheap. This is what that one girl with the cheap fake hair and frosted lip gloss wears to junior prom, before she gets totally wasted on schnapps and throws up in the limo.

I even surfed through the Forever 21 site, just to make sure that there wasn't anything similar. I checked Charlotte Russe, Arden B - all my go-tos for tacky evening wear, and nothing.

The fabric looks cheap, the cut looks cheap, the wearer will look cheap. It's not hideous, it's not a train wreck like some of the other dresses I've posted. It's just ... cheap. Which, if that's the look you're going for, power to you. I just think you can achieve it for less than $80.

And they don't even sell the matching stripper shoes to make an outfit out of it.

Topshop Gold Panel Bodycon Dress - $80

The Iridescent Striped Suit

Look who's back: our old friend, the sassy model.



Yes, that is a matching vest and striped skirt suit she's wearing. Don't act like you've never seen one before.

I like that the skirt has not one, not two, but four tiers, using two different fabrics. It really ties the whole look together, echoing the texture contrasts on the vest. I also like that the vest cuts away at the bottom, in case you want to reveal your finer navel rings or hip tattoos.

I'm pretty sure this is what strippers consider business wear.

Bebe Iridescent Striped Vest - $98
Bebe Iridescent Striped Pleated Skirt - $98

American Apparel: Making Tights NSFW

A big "Thank You" (if that's the right term ...) to Jac for sending this in.

In her words: "Oh, oh, review these abominations! Because regular pantyhose isn't uncomfortable enough. It's a frightful £26 and it's MISSING THE ASS."

Normally, I can at the very least understand why someone created the item I'm reviewing. You can see what the purpose. I might not like the clothes, but I get the intent behind its creation.

Not so with these tights from the always classy American Apparel. As a warning, these might be NSFW:




I cannot, try as I might, understand why these exist. What kind of demand was there for assless tights? What purpose do they serve, beyond being wildly unflattering and probably very, very uncomfortable?

It's nice to know, at times like this, I can blame something so awful on the infamous lech Dov Charney. These aren't legitimate tights; they're just his fetish gear take on support garments.

American Apparel Sheer Luxe Cut Out Pantyhose - $28

Forever 21 Presents: Leggings of Love

Did I miss some sponsorship deal that makes Forever 21 the official legging purveyor for "Rock of Love" and "Daisy of Love"? Because that is the only reasonable explanation I can find for some of the spandex/polyester blends they sell.



Glitter Liquid Cheetah Leggings: Because if they were just glitter, just liquid, or just cheetah-print, or any combination of two, that wouldn't be sufficient.



Ruffle Bottom Leggings: Because who doesn't want to look like they have festively dressed turkey legs?



Fringed Leggings: What Lindsey Lohan would wear if she were sent back in time to the wild west with Doc Brown.



Back Ruffled Leggings: Who doesn't want to draw attention to their ass while wearing skin-tight clothes? There is no possible way this could ever be unflattering!



Cire Leggings: Tight, shiny leggings with cutouts down the legs. It's like they're trying to find as many ways as possible for fat to be squeezed out of these.

Forever 21 Glittered Liquid Cheetah Leggings - $9.80
Forever 21 Fringed Leggings - $22
Forever 21 Back Ruffled Leggings - $22
Forever 21 Cire Leggings - $26