In the Club

This was submitted by Irene L. over on the Facebook fan page.



I get that this is probably "club wear," which falls into a whole other category of things I wouldn't wear, and I'm sure it's considered the height of stylishness at raves or something.

As a non-rave attending layperson, though, my thoughts on the top aren't particularly positive. Initially, I thought that the top reminded me of something an alien would wear on Star Trek. I think it's the neck collar.

But, the more I stared at it, the more concerned I became for the health and safety of the model, as it appeared the top was rebelling against the wearer and choking her. It kind of looks like the sleeve is reaching up and throttling the model, right?

Just me?

Well, even if I were one to wear clubwear (which I'm not, since the dress code for studying geology and sitting around my apartment is casual), I'd still steer clear of this top ... just to be safe.

ChicStar Sexy Asymetric One-Shoulder Top - $24.95

Just Like I'm On Dynasty

If ShopBop is any indication, a big trend this spring is dresses with one long, draped sleeve.



This trend would not work for me. It would swallow me whole.



I don't dislike it, though. No, if I could, I would wear these dresses all the time, specifically so I could punctuate statements with dramatic arm gestures.

"You must come visit us in the Hamptons this year. No, you simply must."


"Darling, trust me. There's nothing a good pool boy can't fix."


"It's like my third husband always said, 'Honey, did you drink all the gin?'"

A.L.C. Capelet Dress with Belt - $343 $240.10
Haute Hippie One Shoulder Swing Dress - $345
Issa Long Sleeve Long Dress - $734
Riller & Fount Fiona Mini Dress with Kimono Sleeve - $150
Alice & Olivia Elyse One Shoulder Dress - $330 $99

Et Tu, Black Halo?

Friends, Romans, Readership, lend me your ears.



I come to mock clothing, not to praise it;
The ugly that designers do go to the sales rack,
the good is oft sold out before I can buy it.

So let it be with this top.

Black Halo One Shoulder Jane Top - $105

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

The Forest for the Trees

I don't really know what to say about this top, but I feel like it needs to be posted.



Sassy model seems to really be enjoying this top. I can't even criticize it, really, because she just seems to love wearing it so much. I don't know what occasion one would wear this to - from her accessories and shiny leggings, I'm guessing some sort of eco-clubbing thing? I don't know. I just keep staring at the top, repeating basic observable facts about it to myself, like: "It's blue. It has one sleeve. There are trees on it. It has satin banding." Beyond that, I can't figure out what to say about it, because it's so literal.

This isn't a pattern of small trees all over the thing. It's not an abstract tree winding its way up her torso. This is, very simply, a picture of trees on a shirt with one sleeve. It is remarkably literal.

I don't know why this exists. I don't know who wears it. But if you know someone who does, or who would, please tell me. I have so many questions for them.

Bebe Enchanted Forest Tunic - $89