Where's Mothra?

This is a perfectly nice dress. If I saw it on someone at a party, I would probably admire it, maybe even ask where she got it.




But if I saw the back out of the corner of my eye, it would startle the crap out of me.



ABS by Allen Schwartz Tee Dress with Butterfly Back - $185 $148

A Sack of Potatoes

I realize that sometimes, I just don't understand a style or an attempted look.



I don't think this is one of those times. No, I think that I am rightly mystified by this dress. It's so ill-fitting, it actually makes the model look like her head was Photoshopped onto another, much larger, model's body. It is so shapeless that it actually fails at being stylishly shapeless. It's just unflattering.

Where is the logic in this dress? It bunches around the mid-thigh area, tapering down into an asymmetrical hemline. It's hard to make a satin, formless dress more unwearable, but somehow, they manage.

So, hat's off to them, I suppose?

Kimberly Ovitz "Myron" Silk Charmeuse Dress - $385

A Brief Musing on Marc Jacobs

Sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is actually playing a joke on the fashion industry.



This is one of those times.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Jacquetta Striped Dress - $528

Wait, what?

It's Friday? No, I totally didn't forget that it was Friday and therefore didn't remember to put together any posts.



So, uh .... look, a pretty dress!

DIANE von FURSTENBERG Iridescent Chiffon "Erosa" Dress - $385

Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like Years of Abandonment

I guess this is better than the Juicy Couture sweats with "Juicy" written across the seat.



However, this sweatshirt has a built-in tramp stamp. Seriously. That is the butterfly of father issues right there. I don't care that it's supposed to be a clever statement about your popularity. Instead, it looks like you're saying "I'm a social butterfly because I desperately seek the approval of others, having never been given any by my own father." But that would be a lot of text to fit on the back of a sweatshirt.

Aqua Sport Velour Social Butterfly Hoodie - $88

Dol-mention It

I don't understand Dolman sleeves. I really don't. On rare occasions, it can be done properly. But otherwise, the best-case scenario is that the top looks like it doesn't fit right.

The worst case scenario?



It leaves you or the model looking like something horrible has happened to your torso.

Every time I look at this picture, I just want to get her to a doctor so she can have that dislocated shoulder fixed. But that desire is tempered by the fact that I'm afraid to take her outside, lest a strong wind carry her away like she's a well-dressed sugar glider.



Just so we're clear - yes, the sugar glider is very cute, let's focus here - just so we're clear, the Dolman sleeves actually extend down to the low waist of the dress. Her entire torso is Dolman sleeved. That's a lot of sleeve. And yet, the designer felt it necessary to add full-length fitted sleeves to the dress. How much sleeve does this dress actually require?

If they had just taken the Dolman sleeves in a little, removed the long sleeves, and made it a minidress, I'd be on board. I probably wouldn't wear it, because I have an hourglass shape and adding extra, baggy fabric to my chest will only end with my looking like I'm wearing a muumuu. But it would work.

Okay, I have to stop looking at this dress before I call a chiropractor for the poor girl.

French Connection Feather Frost Plains Dress - $118

Houndstooth Blanket Horrors

I'm all for creativity, especially when it involves repurposing.



For example, I think it was very clever of someone to sew together a bunch of Houndstooth scarves to create a blanket.



However, it is completely beyond me as to why someone would then attach strings to it and force a model to wear it. Does the designer have some sort of a grudge against the model? From the look on her face, she doesn't seem to know what she's done to deserve this treatment. Notice how she looks off-camera, hand to her head, as if she's wondering whether she's lost a bet, or maybe if she insulted the designer's dog. Poor girl. No one deserves this treatment.

I do like her shoes, though.

Patterson J. Kincaid Houndstooth Print "Jenny" Dress - $128

Where's Whitesnake?

Hey, remember how, up until a few years ago, people used to laugh about how awful their clothes were in the 80s?



Man, those were some good times. I miss those days. Back then, Guess never would have described these jeans with the following: "Revive the vinyl, teased hair and ripped tees ubiquitous to '80s style and slip into GUESS' retro skinny jeans."

Clearly, all the hairspray from the teased hair has gotten to the Guess designers. That's the only explanation for why they would ever think that faded grey jeans with a black pattern down the outer thighs would be flattering or appealing.



Peg-legged jeans sound like so much fun, until you see them. Then you realize that they have nothing to do with pirates, and you've been fooled again.

What, that doesn't happen to you? It's just me? Well, damn. The description says these jeans "evoke rocker-chic." Look, I'm not going to argue the relative merits of rocker-ness here. However, I would suggest that it's less "rocker-chic" and more "rocker who just woke up from a weekend-long bender." I know they're supposed to look like they've seen better days, but that doesn't mean you need to as well.



As for these? If I wanted to look like I spilled bleach all over my jeans, I would have done just that. But I have the good sense to recognize that the marbling effect, paired with the skin-tight jeans, will look hideous on me.

Like I said, there was a time when we made fun of bad 80s fashions. How did designers convince us that we should relive it, but with a bigger price tag?

Guess Verona Skinny Jeans in Zebra Wash - $98
J Brand Tie-Dyed Skinny Jeans in Oz Wash - $198
Paige Premium Denim "Skyline Drive" 10" Peg-Legged Jeans in Heavy Metal Wash - $249

Fandemonium!

The problem I've always had with Shelli Segal is that she tries really hard, and it shows. It always makes me kind of sad to see someone put in that kind of effort and consistently fail. It's hard to really hold it against them.

But somehow, I'll manage.

Behold, the fan dress. A dress where the skirt is decorated with those construction paper fans you would make in grade school. Looking at this skirt, I can't help but imagine a sweatshop full of Hawthorne Elementary fourth graders, forced to make fans until their fingers bleed.

This could just be my wanting to throw Shelli a bone, but I don't think I'd hate the dress if the back were a little longer than the front, and it only had fans in the back, like tail feathers. Of course, it could very well be that I would have posted that dress on here anyway, but in my head, it seems marginally better.

And even if she hadn't gone full-plumage, she could have at the very least made the hemline match up with the fans to make a scalloped pattern, rather than having the fans just glued onto your standard skirt. But that's the fatal flaw of this dress: she somehow manages to go all-out to the point of excess, while simultaneously not taking enough of a risk to actually make the dress interesting. So instead, you're just left with a dress where the bottom half is covered in stiff, pointy-edged fans.

Laundry by Shelli Segal Short Strapless Pleated Fan Taffeta Cocktail Dress - $365

Long Island Royalty

Much like Taylor Swift, I love sparkly dresses. I really do, even if I criticize them more often than I praise them. In fact, in the SNL monologue in my head, I have an entire song devoted to how much I love them. So, it's quite possible that I might love sparkly dresses more than Taylor Swift.

Except this one. I don't love this one. It's called the "Island Princess Dress," I guess because it looks like sequined Birds of Paradise are gently cupping her bosoms, as Birds of Paradise are wont to do.

However, I question if it's designed for an Island Princess, or if it's better suited for a Long Island princess who's going to her school's homecoming and will probably get drunk in the limo on a Smirnoff Ice, then start all kinds of mad drama with her best friend whose boyfriend she hooked up with last week everyone knows it, but whatever, it's not like it really counts because he's not even that into her anyways, and her nose job looks totally fake.

Wait. Actually, can we find out who's buying these dresses, and then put some reality show cameras on them?

French Connection Island Jersey Dress - $188