Friday Feets - Ballet Flats

Since no one kicked and screamed about last week's Friday Feets (not even about the ridiculous name), here we go with week 2.

Last week, Jaclyn asked me to find a pair of comfortable flats. I haven't tried any on personally, but I checked customer reviews on some different sites to track these down.

Okay, I checked the reviews for some of them. I couldn't find any reviews for these, but let's look at this critically: they're $20. They're studded. They have rubber soles, which provides a little bit of cushioning.

Oh, also, Endless has free shipping and free returns. So if the shoes suck, you can get your money back with a quickness.




These are another pair I couldn't find any reviews of, but they're Aerosoles, and I have yet to have a bad experience with Aerosoles. Their heels defy the common belief that heels have to be painful to look good, so I have a hard time believing that these shoes will be anything but comfortable.



From Maria Sharapova's collection for Cole Haan. I've tried on other pairs from the Air series, and they all have good cushioning and support. Plus, the reviews on Endless.com appear to be unanimously positive, especially because of their comfort.




These don't have the glowing reviews of the Cole Haans, but several reviews cited that the shoes are wide. Jaclyn mentioned she had wide feet, so I'm including these in the event that she's reading this post. They don't have great arch support, but if you're crazy about the shoes, you can always buy an insole.




As for these ... they're expensive, but oh man, they're cute. I love those abstract flowers. They're kind of funky, and a great bit of floral detailing without getting too precious.

Anyone have any experience with these? Or do you have a pair of flats you love? Pass it along in the comments!

In the Club

This was submitted by Irene L. over on the Facebook fan page.



I get that this is probably "club wear," which falls into a whole other category of things I wouldn't wear, and I'm sure it's considered the height of stylishness at raves or something.

As a non-rave attending layperson, though, my thoughts on the top aren't particularly positive. Initially, I thought that the top reminded me of something an alien would wear on Star Trek. I think it's the neck collar.

But, the more I stared at it, the more concerned I became for the health and safety of the model, as it appeared the top was rebelling against the wearer and choking her. It kind of looks like the sleeve is reaching up and throttling the model, right?

Just me?

Well, even if I were one to wear clubwear (which I'm not, since the dress code for studying geology and sitting around my apartment is casual), I'd still steer clear of this top ... just to be safe.

ChicStar Sexy Asymetric One-Shoulder Top - $24.95

MacModel!

You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Ruff Contrast

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.



It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?



In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

Fight or Flight

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.



Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."



I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.



I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

Walking Around On Those - What Do You Call Them?

This was sent in by Emily (not to be confused with reader Little Emily). Says Emily:

"I know this is ugly, but the white version it reminds me of the little mermaid - Ariel's dress right after she gets legs, and the shapeless sheet she's wrapped around herself becomes a kind of cute minidress. Magic! Please make fun of it so I don't buy it."



I kind of remembered that Ariel wore a white dress at some point, but did not have nearly the photographic recall that Emily showed. But, once I found the screencaps, it all came flooding back to me.



Ah yes. The white sheet dress. Worn with the kind of pride that screams, "Up until now, the only clothing I've worn was a shell bra."



But damned if this isn't the same dress. Look at how randomly bunched it is! Do you know why it's gathered into a bustle? Because I sure don't. The only thing I can think of is that the designer was aided by his friends, a confused seagull and a smarmy crab.

From the side, I actually like the dress. It's so sculpted that it actually becomes appealing.



But then you get to the back, and it suddenly just is a lot of lumpy volume. Or there's the front, which demands a belt to temper its shapelessness. And while I wear a lot of short skirts, I'd constantly be tugging it down, because it's always harder to tell if you're flashing the world when you're wearing an uneven hem.



On the other hand, if it lands me a hunk like Eric, then I'll throw down the $105 for a couture sheet of my very own. And I wouldn't even need to trade my voice for legs - not a bad deal.

Of course, he seemed to like the fact that she didn't talk, so my feminist sensibilities are incensed. Will they win out over a childhood crush?

Maybe I'll see if the Beast is still available. And if he'll cut that mullet.

Funktional Parachute Dress - $105

Junk in the Trunks

Ah, spring. The flowers bloom, the temperatures rise, and, if you work at American Apparel, your boss starts growing his summer mutton chops.



What's wrong, Random American Apparel model Who Is Also Probably A Personal Assistant Or Something, Because That's How They Roll Over In Creepyville? Why so glum? I mean, yeah, those are really shiny and plastic-looking. So I do understand being less than thrilled with that.

And I'm not really sure the circumstances under which you'd wear them. Yes, they're for swimming, but they're awfully high-rise for swimming shorts. Actually, they look like they'd be kind of uncomfortable.

Well, let's see them from the back to be sure.



To all you observant readers who have noticed that something is off about this picture, yes, you are correct. These are, as far as I can tell, not the model's legs. Because these swim trunks are unisex.

Of course they are. It's American Apparel. Why wouldn't these be unisex? Then again, I'm pretty sure all garbage bags are unisex, even the fancy tri-colored ones.

You can all blame Reader Ronnie for this one.

American Apparel Unisex Tri-Color Swim Trunk - $36

Joust Kidding

My friend Sarah is the writer of the incredibly smart entertainment/media blog But They Didn't Ask Me. I suggest you go read her post on kids shows immediately, especially if you grew up watching old school Nickelodeon.

She somehow found time to send along this delightfully pointless dress.



I've never thought of chainmail as an embellishment, but apparently, it's more widespread than just Ren Faires.

I think what gets me about this, other than the general impracticality of it (when what is the purpose of a minidress with chainmail on it? What purpose does it serve?) is the fact that there is no way this can not look cheap. It's Forever 21 using metal embellishments. When has that ever ended well?

I guess you can buy this if you're big into Ren Faires and want to look like a slutty knight ... they have those, right?

Forever 21 Chainmail Bust Mini Dress - $15.99

On the Street

Sent to me by Intrepid Field Reporter Ava:



Look, I don't know what the deal is here. I don't know who this woman is, where she's going, or where she bought this hat.

All I know is, it looks like a male polar bear is sitting on her head.

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

An Absence of Fit

Reader and Classics Scholar Emily sent this to me; she somehow managed to find time in her studies to surf the Forever 21 site.



Can someone please explain to Forever 21 that they need to stop trying to pass off bad fits as fashionable? This dress is a giant pink sack with some extra fabric tacked on.

Sorry, I just don't believe that the absence of fit qualifies as a style choice. Because that's what this is: the absence of fit. It's not like this is a loose-hanging dress, flapper-style or something. This is a dress that has no fit to it. It's just two panels of fabric sewn together.

The worst part is, I actually really like the ruffle running down the center. I like that it lays flat on itself, and that it only has four folds in it. I even like that it appears to wrap around the neckline - it's not something that I'd wear, but it is interesting. Had this dress been fitted properly, it might not have found its way onto this blog.

But no. Instead, it is a dress that completely lacks any fit. It is the singularity of fit. And for that, this dress is found wanting.

Forever 21 Sculptural Ruffle Dress - $36

London Calling

Thanks again to Jac for these dresses. In her words:

"Dorothy Perkins is kind of like Forever 21 for Britain (though their shipping options suggest they might exist in the States; I wouldn't know). So here are some of the delights they have to offer."

"A shirt/dress for the girl who likes to map her body. Arrows pointing out to the hips (Here are my hips! Look how wide they are!) and in towards the crotch (Here's my crotch! Look how . . . okay, I can't think of anything to write to describe unflattering crotch-y-ness, but I know it's ridiculous.)."

Personally, I think it looks like a more angular Ven Diagram for the female reproductive system. Ovary on one side, ovary on the other, and the common ground of the uterus in the middle.

"Finally, available in two stunning colour combinations, a dress for the girl who both wants to maximise the appearance of her stomach AND identify the location of her crotch with giant bow. Awesome, right? Right? I can't believe I've gone this long without having arrows pointing to my crotch. How did I ever find it before?"

The giant front panel reminds me of those pregnancy panels they put in clothes to create a support system for a pregnant woman's freakishly engorged abdomen. I'm not really sure what the point of the bow is; it's not as if it gathers the material or serves a purpose. It's just there, perched atop the crotch like a bow. I don't know about you, but I'm always happiest when my crotch is well-accessorized.

And is it just me, or does this dress make you think of a mouse, with the black and then the pink armpit panels and pink bow? Seriously, stare at it for a while. Little mousey face.

Dorothy Perkins Grey 1/2 Sleeve Dress - £12
Dorothy Perkins Red Colour Block Dress - £3
Dorothy Perkins Black Colour Block Dress - £10

Clothes From the Blog In Action

Thanks to Ava, who has her pulse on Manhattan's subway fashions, for sending this in:



Here you can see not one, but two different styles featured previously on the site:

The Peep Toe Bootie


I have to say, the look works here. I don't get it, and recognize that I could never make this work. However, here, it actually kind of looks good. Despite the fact that, from a basic practicality standpoint, these still bewilder me.

And the second style, The Iridescent Striped Suit:


As any fashionable subway rider knows, half of fashion is reinterpretation. Here, he's paired his vest with a pair of jeans for a more casual look. It's nice to see him taking to heart Stacy & Clinton's advice to mix and match suit pieces for a more versatile wardrobe. Luckily for us, though, he decided to keep the matching fedora.

Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa Presents ...

Thanks to Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa for bringing Topshop to my attention. She journeyed to the New York store a few weeks ago and tried on this delight:

Why yes, this is a denim romper with molded cups. So good of you to notice!

The one thing - ONE THING - this does have going for it is that the waist is clearly defined, unlike on most other rompers. The corseted top actually does give it a shape that's not unflattering, per se. But it has those damn molded cups, and you know how I loathe them. There's no way for molded cups not to look cheap. This romper is what Daisy Duke would wear in the CW remake of The Dukes of Hazzard. Which, again I would totally watch because it would probably involve Bo and Luke being estranged cousins who are competing for the spots on the high school football team, and Daisy would be their next door neighbor who they're also competing for.

Anyway, this introduces a new feature I'll be adding to this blog - the clothes in real life. I'm occasionally going to go out to the stores and try the clothes on, to show how horrifying they look on a real person. In this case, here is Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa modeling the Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit:

In her words - "This is an actual outfit available for purchase at Top Shop. Try to keep your tongues off the floor, gentlemen!"

Indeed, Melissa. Indeed.

Topshop Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit - $90

Forever 21 Did This on Purpose

It's like Forever 21 actively wants to be featured on this site. Which, given that they friended me on Twitter (probably because they do keyword searches for their names, the vain bastards), it could be the case.

This is not something I would ever wear. I hate those built-in bra cups. Hate them. They make me think of eyelids, and I don't want my breasts to be able to blink. They should be unblinking. That's what I like about them.

The top finishes in yet another style I hate: the bubble hem. That's right. A bubble hem that ends at a voluminous skirt. Because that's a great look for anybody other than Barbie Thighs the Model.

I'd keep the belt, though. So the dress isn't a total wash, right?

What? It's the Jewish New Year, I'm trying to be a little kinder and find something good in everyone.

Ooh, and for those of you who are dying for those denim dresses from the first post,, they're on sale!

Forever 21 Denim and Plaid Dress - $39
Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress - $9.99
Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress - $11.99

American Apparel: Making Tights NSFW

A big "Thank You" (if that's the right term ...) to Jac for sending this in.

In her words: "Oh, oh, review these abominations! Because regular pantyhose isn't uncomfortable enough. It's a frightful £26 and it's MISSING THE ASS."

Normally, I can at the very least understand why someone created the item I'm reviewing. You can see what the purpose. I might not like the clothes, but I get the intent behind its creation.

Not so with these tights from the always classy American Apparel. As a warning, these might be NSFW:




I cannot, try as I might, understand why these exist. What kind of demand was there for assless tights? What purpose do they serve, beyond being wildly unflattering and probably very, very uncomfortable?

It's nice to know, at times like this, I can blame something so awful on the infamous lech Dov Charney. These aren't legitimate tights; they're just his fetish gear take on support garments.

American Apparel Sheer Luxe Cut Out Pantyhose - $28

Introducing, the Chambray Jumpsuit

Thanks to Nicole for bringing this to my attention.



The Chambray Jumpsuit from American Apparel needs no introduction. It just ... is.



Combining the elastic waist of your favorite pair of mom jeans with a baggy top, the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a wildly unflattering cut. Why let yourself go when you can just give the appearance that you've let yourself go?



Not only does the elastic waistband give the impression of mom jeans, but the back of the Chambray Jumpsuit offers a similar effect. The pockets bulge outward, widening your hips so one can easily scare off predators, like the frills on those spitting dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.



How does one jazz up the Chambray Jumpsuit? With a black velvet ribbon. Obviously.



So, who wears the Chambray Jumpsuit? A woman with confidence. A woman who takes charge. A woman who works for a 70s-style sleaze bag and doesn't mind the occasional bout of sexual harassment.



A woman who enjoys taking comically large steps.

American Apparel Chambray Jumpsuit