ANTM Meets AA

I try not to comment on celebrity fashion, as there are sites that do it far better than I. However, I saw this billboard today for the new cycle of America's Next Top Model, and I had to share it.



I have just one question: when did American Apparel start sponsoring America's Next Top Model?

America's Next Top Model - Wednesdays at 8pm on the CW

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

ModCloth Is Not American Apparel

I have nothing against shiny things. I love shiny things. Shinies are delightful.

The problem is, when shiny isn't done well, it looks cheap. And when it looks cheap, it looks like it's from American Apparel. Adding fringe to the underboob region doesn't make this look any less cheap. I guess it does distract from the cheap shiny fabric on top, which is doing very strange things to the mannequin's chest. Seriously, doesn't it kind of make the mannequin look like a Fembot?

Sequins are tricky. Done wrong, the sequins end up looking mottled. Done wrong, shiny and tight, the dress ends up looking like something you modeled at a company photoshoot, during which your creepy mutton-chopped boss pawed at you, then afterward propositioned you.

ModCloth, you did shiny so well here. Aim for pretty shiny, not trashy American Apparel shiny.

Shiny.

Shiny, shiny, shiny ... I'm sorry, what?

ModCloth Kick Line Dress$54.99
ModCloth Tis the Season to Shine Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Polaris Dress - $99.99

Parachute Skirt

One zipper is functional. Two zippers, both of which open from either direction, do not appear to have much of a purpose. I guess because it's like you're getting four zippers for the price of two?



You know what goes with two multi-directional zippers? Slippery lining-style fabric, as is featured on this dress.



Basically, you're looking at stiff, ugly fabric that is apparently slippery, with multiple zippers. Sounds appealing and totally useful.

Forever 21 Waist Zip Skirt - $28

Shiny Happy People

Here's some advice to keep in mind while shopping at Forever 21.



Be wary of anything they self-describe as "shiny." Especially if it's hot pink buffalo check.

Forever 21 Shiny Checkered Jacket - $29.80