Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

Hybrid Skirts Spread, Panic Ensues

So, remember those hybrid skirts Forever 21 has been selling?



Apparently, it's a thing. Sure, Hollister's version is a little more understated - it's more like a petticoat hem peeking out than a full on bustle. But it ruins the simplicity of a jean skirt. Oh, and also, I think it's kind of ugly. But hey, if you really liked the F21 skirts, but wished they were more expensive, here you go. Enjoy.

Hollister & Co. Laguna Hills - $44.50

Tulle-y Denim

Back in the early days of the blog, I posted about Forever 21's denim-fabric hybrid skirts. At the time, I said that these skirts would only be necessary if you were torn between wearing your denim mini or a ruffled skirt, and you decided to split the difference.

Apparently, there were enough people out there who had that problem, because Forever 21 has not only made another style of it, but this time, it's formal wear.



See, you know it's formal because it's kind of a dark denim and the rips aren't big enough to show skin. Plus, the black tulle hem looks like it was lopped off an actual dress and stitched onto this monstrosity as a warning to other dresses.

I'm having a hard time seeing where the demand for this style of skirt is coming from, but then again, I also don't understand who keeps buying the high-waist button placket styles, either. Have we learned nothing, as a society, from the missteps of the celebrities who wore high-waisted denim and were subsequently ridiculed for it? Why do people keep buying this style? I can't imagine it's that flattering on so much of the population. And if it's not selling, then why do the designers keep making it?



I will say, one thing I do like about this skirt is the attached beaded chain. Because that beaded chain really pulls the look together.

No, seriously, who on the design team said, "What this high-waisted, ripped denim skirt with a tulle hem needs is a jeweled chain?" Because they were 100% correct.

The chain is removable, but really, why would you?

Forever 21 Tulle Trimmed Denim Skirt - $19.80

Marbled is Only Good For Steak

Okay, guys, seriously, I have a question: is this something we're doing now?

Because, really, I can't do it. I can't. This is tie-dyed denim. TIE-DYED. BLEACHED. DENIM.



Starting with these offerings from Modcloth - first of all, I thought skinny jeans weren't supposed to make you look thigh-heavy. And yet, these manage to because they are an unflattering rise, way too skinny, and also TIE-DYED. With a random blue splotch on the pocket, making it look like you left your Uniball uncapped in your pocket.



The LEAST OFFENSIVE of these options comes from Topshop. THE LEAST. This skirt could almost pass for wearable, and these shorts don't look all that marble bleached - more just selectively faded. But that doesn't change the fact that these are all marble bleached denim.



And these are marble bleached black denim. One of which is a vest. A denim vest. That is marble bleached. And sleeveless. When paired with the skirt, it makes quite the Texas Tuxedo. Is the matching mullet sold separately?

White Lightning Skinny Jeans - $49.99
Modcloth White Lightning Shorts - $34.99
Topshop Tie Dye Denim Pelmet Skirt - $50
Topshop Marble Bleach Frayed Hotpants - $55
Topshop Denim Shirt by Boutique - $100
Topshop High Waisted Denim Mini Skirt - $55

Compare and Contrast

Sometimes I'll look at a dress and think, "that would work way better as a skirt," or vice versa.

This is not one of those times. In fact, I can't decide whether this looks worse as a dress or as a skirt. If it's a dress, at least you don't have to figure out what top to match it with. If it's a skirt, well, there's less of it to be horrified by. The dress has molded cups. The skirt appears to be high-waisted. The dress looks like something Britney Spears would wear to the Kid's Choice Awards. The skirt looks like something a Rock of Love Contestant would wear to a job interview when her vest suit is at the dry cleaners.

Topshop Ripped Denim Bodycon Skirt - $70
Topshop Ripped Denim Dress - $100

Forever 21 Did This on Purpose

It's like Forever 21 actively wants to be featured on this site. Which, given that they friended me on Twitter (probably because they do keyword searches for their names, the vain bastards), it could be the case.

This is not something I would ever wear. I hate those built-in bra cups. Hate them. They make me think of eyelids, and I don't want my breasts to be able to blink. They should be unblinking. That's what I like about them.

The top finishes in yet another style I hate: the bubble hem. That's right. A bubble hem that ends at a voluminous skirt. Because that's a great look for anybody other than Barbie Thighs the Model.

I'd keep the belt, though. So the dress isn't a total wash, right?

What? It's the Jewish New Year, I'm trying to be a little kinder and find something good in everyone.

Ooh, and for those of you who are dying for those denim dresses from the first post,, they're on sale!

Forever 21 Denim and Plaid Dress - $39
Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress - $9.99
Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress - $11.99

Denim Skirts Don't Need to Be Hybrid

This is unnecessary:

The only case in which I can imagine either of these would be necessary is if you were torn between wearing a jean mini or your floral/ruffled skirt. If you're having that problem, and you think the best solution is to combine the two, then congratulations, Forever 21 has anticipated your needs and risen to the occasion.

Forever 21 Ruffle Hem Denim Skirt

Forever 21 Floral Hem Denim Skirt