Shorts in Disguise

I was surfing Forever 21, as I do every day, for clothes to buy and clothes to post. At all times, there are two separate browser windows open, so I can keep them separated. These were originally in the "buy" browser.



And then I realized they were shorts, rather than a pleated skirt.

Shorts are tricky to navigate. For some reason, they're way more difficult than skirts. Finding the right length can be a Herculean task. I can't imagine that pleated, voluminous shorts will be a flattering look.



How convenient. I don't have to imagine it. These are resting on the threshold of unflattering on this model. They're threatening to tip into the precipice of average ass.

So much skirt potential wasted. And for what? Shorts that look like a skirt, but will probably just make your legs look weird.

What a world.

Forever 21 Floral Guise Woven Shorts - $17.80

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

The Shadow Knows

I sometimes wonder if ModCloth stocks really ugly clothing in order to contrast with their otherwise great selection of clothes.

Stand as sassily as you'd like, Model. It doesn't change the fact that you're wearing sack pants.

Ah yes, sack pants. Pant so ill-fitting, they're intentionally gathered at the waist because of the excess of fabric. Pants with a low-hanging crotch and roomy thigh openings. Pants that start out as wide-legged, but then taper - yes, taper! - to skinny pants around the ankle.

The description on the site says that, when you're wearing these pants, "there won't be any reason for you to hide!"

I would beg to differ.

These pants leave you without any discernable butt. Seriously, how high is that rise along the back? I'd wager it's at least 11 inches, but that may be undershooting.

Keep in mind, a model is wearing these. A model. A girl paid to be thin. There is no reason these pants should do this to her. How many pounds have these pants added to her frame? They've given her average ass. That's right, average ass.

What is average ass? Well, it's what happens when you wear pants so ill-fitting, they make a model look like she has a normal woman's butt. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with a normal woman's butt. However, think about what it would do to a normal woman's butt.

And now you can't unthink it. Let that be a lesson to you on why sack pants are not flattering.

You're welcome.

ModCloth Shadow Puppet Pants - $59.99