XOXO, ModCloth

Man, things have been tough for Serena lately. First she spends all summer looking for her biological father, only to be repeatedly rebuffed. When she returns home to New York, her boyfriend Carter reveals that he is in debt to a powerful Texan family, so he agrees to pay off his debts by working on an oil rig. Then, she ends up working for a publicist and has to date one of her clients to keep him in the news. She quits her job and goes to work for married Congressman Tripp Van der Bilt. She promptly begins an affair with him, which ends after he runs their car off the road to avoid hitting a pack of huskies wolves and he moves her into the driver's seat before fleeing the scene.

Like I said. Things have been tough.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone apparently broke into her closet and is selling her wardrobe to ModCloth. The only thing that makes me think this might not be Serena's dress is that it doesn't show nearly enough cleavage. However, I can definitely see her strutting through Manhattan in a mini-dress with what appear to be shoulder pads from the Intergalactic Football League. These aren't actually shoulder pads, but rather, over decorated t-shirt sleeves. The end result is the same, though.

In a related note, can we please move past this whole shoulder pad resurgence? If you have broad shoulders, you can't wear them. And if you don't - come on. You're not fooling anyone with these things.

ModCloth Fashion Chalet Dress - $62.99

Alienware

You know how sometimes people wear tinfoil on their heads to keep the aliens from reading their minds?

I think this is what you wear if you're trying to pick up alien signals. Or if you can't find anywhere else to put your Direct TV satellite.

Forever 21 Pleated Flower Headbands - $4.80

Miller? I hardly know her.

I remember Nicole Miller having some great, simple dresses back in the late 90s.

I'm starting to wonder if that was some sort of a hallucination I had.

Here we have a bustier top and a pre-wrinkled skirt. Basically, it's a dress designed to look like you're doing the walk of shame. Which could be brilliant, I guess - if it catches on, it'd be hard to tell who's actually doing the walk of shame and who's just making a fashion choice.

And, since it's a bustier top, the cups end up giving your boobs eyes. But in this case, they're saggy and wrinkled eyes. Tired eyes, having seen better days.

This dress just kind of befuddles me. It's got a Mondrianish look to it, but with a graphic pattern. And what a graphic pattern it is.

I can't tell if these are sea anemones or intergalactic space flowers. Either way, I'm not sure what the hell they're doing on this dress. I mean, yeah, they're kind of pretty, but they also have the look of tentacle monster to them, and you should never, ever wear a tentacle monster on your dress. It just doesn't send the right message.

Nicole Miller Seafoam Crinkled Metallic Bustier Dress - $312
Nicole Miller Purple Geometric Floral Jersey Dress - $159

It Came From the Clothing Chain!

Apparently the sassy model from the one-sleeved mesh dress has figured out that you can't sell an unfortunate dress, no matter how hard you emote.



Instead, she tilts her head slightly, as if to acknowledge that yes, this dress may very well have been formal wear for an alien in the original Star Trek. The "leatherette" bands are fairly extraneous with our gravitational field, but maybe on a foreign planet they help to keep random alien parts from slipping out.



Oh god - she's not showing a degree of deference with her head tilt. She's powering down.

As is evidenced by the exposed spine, this model is clearly a cyborg.

Bebe Sexy Stretch Twill Cutout Dress - $129

Close Encounters of the Skirt Kind

Sometimes, fashion isn't just about clothing. It's about the message.

With that in mind, what do you think the designers at Unique, a line carried by Topshop, are trying to tell us?





It could just be that they bought more of the UFO-patterned fabric than they needed, so they had to get creative.

But think about it: who would buy this much fabric thinking there would be a demand for UFO-patterned skirts? No, the more likely answer is, they're trying to tell us something. They're trying to warn us about an impending alien invasion.

If only they could give us some hint as to where they'll be attacking. Then we could know how best to fortify against them ...



Thank you, Unique. You've done mankind a great service. Now quickly, someone call Captain Steve Hiller. We've got some aliens for him to punch.

Topshop Flying Saucers Dress - $160
Topshop Stretch Skirt by Unique - $100
Topshop Spacesuit Jumper by Unique - $135
Topshop Parliament Print T by Unique - $90