Joust Kidding

My friend Sarah is the writer of the incredibly smart entertainment/media blog But They Didn't Ask Me. I suggest you go read her post on kids shows immediately, especially if you grew up watching old school Nickelodeon.

She somehow found time to send along this delightfully pointless dress.



I've never thought of chainmail as an embellishment, but apparently, it's more widespread than just Ren Faires.

I think what gets me about this, other than the general impracticality of it (when what is the purpose of a minidress with chainmail on it? What purpose does it serve?) is the fact that there is no way this can not look cheap. It's Forever 21 using metal embellishments. When has that ever ended well?

I guess you can buy this if you're big into Ren Faires and want to look like a slutty knight ... they have those, right?

Forever 21 Chainmail Bust Mini Dress - $15.99

Future-trama

From the Zappos description: Set the tone for what the world is coming to with these futuristic ankle boots from Betsey Johnson.



Look, I watched a lot of Jetsons when I was a kid. I remember there was a sassy robot maid, a cool treadmill thing for dog walking, and the houses were in the sky.

I do not remember anything about ugly metallic peep-toe booties. That is not the future that I signed on for. In fact, the future I was expecting had about 98% fewer booties, and 100% more flying cars.

So no, Zappos. I will not "set the tone for what the world is coming to." If the world is to be dominated by peep-toed booties, I will fight it with every fiber of my being. Do you hear me? With every fiber of my being.

Betsey Johnson Capri Booties - $160 (was $299)

Slash and Burn

I am not a fan of leggings. I'm not. I belong to a Facebook group titled, "Leggings Are Not Pants, Cover Your Cooter," started by Reader and Former Roommate Ava. However, in spite of that, I always try to look at each pair of leggings with a fresh eye, in the hopes that I will not find them distasteful.



These leggings do not help that cause.



Let's start off with the fact that they're metallic leggings. That, in and of itself, doesn't thrill me to my core. Add in the fact that the leggings are slashed - is that really necessary? And to have them ripped all over, even on the seat?



Close up, the slashes look diseased, don't they? Like they're actually sores, rather than slashes.

These are not pants. These are not even leggings. These are the rags you use to clean the oven. But they're selling for $19 on Forever 21, which means that more expensive versions exist in the world.

The very concept leaves me flummoxed.



If you'd like to own a pair of these festering sore leggings, they come in not one, but three colors. Yes, three. Because really, the black is only appropriate for more formal occasions, isn't it?

Forever 21 Slashed Metallic Leggings - $19

Stronger Than A Runaway Train

If you've ever wanted to dress up like a superhero and run around town pretending to fight crime, ModCloth just made finding a costume 90% easier.




The best part is, the wedges give you that added bit of height necessary to intimidate evildoers, but they don't have a heel, so you're less likely to take a header while running after your arch nemesis.

ModCloth Alter Ego Dress - $57.99
ModCloth Going Gaga Wedges $44.99

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

Embarrassing confession time:

Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm actually a superhero, and the everyday me is just my alter-ego.



I guess I can wear these next time I'm pretending to be a secret superhero. It'll go nicely with my cape and the underwear over tights combo I rock.

ModCloth Tangent Universe Boots - $47.99

Strapless No More

As a top-heavy girl (man, a lot of my posts revolve around my boobs), I rarely get to wear a strapless dress. Shoshanna is the only designer out there who is able to create enough scaffolding to keep my rack in check.

So, I do understand the difficulty of strapless dresses, and why one might create this hybrid creature:



I've been seeing these everywhere - this tank/strapless dress fusion. And while part of me kind of likes it, because they occasionally do look sort of funky, the fact that it's omnipresent sort of defeats the purpose. You're not, theoretically, trying to look like you're layering a tank and a strapless dress in a feat of sartorial ingenuity. Instead, you're buying a dress from Forever 21 with a tank built in. It's like how, five years ago, those sweaters with the sewn-in collars were popular. Only worse, because at least those sweater hybrids solved a real problem: layering a button-down and a sweater is tricky. But I don't get any sense of functionality with the tank/strapless hybrid.

And, in fact, I think this dress could almost border on cute if it just had its own tank straps. I hate the ruching around the bust - it always ends up looking like a cheap 80's prom dress, when paired with that heart neckline. But I love the multiple hems, especially with the metallic fabric. If you could keep them hem and create a tank or boatneck style top, this dress would end up in my closet, rather than on my blog.

Oh, Forever 21. When will you learn that chymera clothing only ends in tears?

Forever 21 Belted Contrast-Tiered Dress - $46

Keep It in the Bottle. Please.

Three wishes?



Okay!



1. I wish this jumpsuit didn't make the model's breasts look so unhappy.

2. I wish this jumpsuit gave her an actual waist.

3. I wish they hadn't used the curtain ties as a belt.



Dammit! I should have looked at the back before making all those wishes. If I had, I would have replaced #3 with:

"I wish the model would spontaneously start dancing to Can't Touch This."

Bebe Glitter Halter Rope Jumpsuit - $98