Unsuitable

Hey, look, Topshop keeps selling bodysuits!



Hey, you know what those seams are not? Flattering. Also, apparently this is acid washed denim, and the TopShop website advises you to "wear with this season's hareem trousers." It's very nice of them to roll all the trends I hate into one outfit, so I can better dismiss it out of hand.



As for this one, I'm just thinking, aren't bodysuits supposed to be sort of a foundational garment, or suitable for layering? Because this is a lace bodysuit, and I'm pretty sure there's no way for this not to be inappropriate for streetwear, unless you're walking the streets. And if that's the case, I'd say you're doing very well for yourself, given than you're wearing a $50 lace bodysuit. So, go you, I guess.

Topshop Seamed Bodysuit - $36
Topshop Full Sleeve Lace Bodysuit - $50

Torro, Torro!

This dress is a perfect example of something that is great on many, many people, but awful on me. It encapsulates the best case "You Want Me To Wear What?" scenario.



I love yellow dresses. I also love blue prints on yellow backgrounds. It's almost impossible to be unhappy in a yellow dress. If you are unhappy in a yellow dress, you're either a) soulless, or b) a 5 year old who is past her naptime. Yellow dresses have a cheeriness quotient matched only by Rocket Pops and a karaoke version of "Livin' on a Prayer." If you are wearing a yellow dress while eating a Rocket Pop and singing Bon Jovi, congratulations: you have so much serotonin in your system, your blood could be used to make Prozac.

This dress, happy though it may be, would make me look like a linebacker. I have broad shoulders and large breasts. That many ruffles would not be a flattering look on me. In fact, if I were to wear this to the running of the bulls, the bulls would fear my bulky mass. I would be chasing down the bulls, rather than the other way around.

The description on the site includes the following excerpt: "The vibrant, ruffled, button up bust with bubble hemmed, ruffled cap sleeves along with the nipped in, smocked, elasticized waist would have given my skinny form a girlish figure." Which, yes, exactly. If you have a skinny form, congratulations, this dress will look amazing on you. You will want to find a cobblestone street to wander along. That's the kind of potential this dress has. In fact, I strongly recommend that you buy this dress, buy a ticket to France or Spain, and wander the streets for hours in a pair of espadrilles and this dress. Just bring me back some souvenirs, like a cute Parisian.

ModCloth Cafe Pamplona Dress - $52.99

A knockoff of this dress is available at Forever 21, although I don't know how similar the fit is:
Forever 21 Satin Ensemble Dress - $24.99

London Calling

Thanks again to Jac for these dresses. In her words:

"Dorothy Perkins is kind of like Forever 21 for Britain (though their shipping options suggest they might exist in the States; I wouldn't know). So here are some of the delights they have to offer."

"A shirt/dress for the girl who likes to map her body. Arrows pointing out to the hips (Here are my hips! Look how wide they are!) and in towards the crotch (Here's my crotch! Look how . . . okay, I can't think of anything to write to describe unflattering crotch-y-ness, but I know it's ridiculous.)."

Personally, I think it looks like a more angular Ven Diagram for the female reproductive system. Ovary on one side, ovary on the other, and the common ground of the uterus in the middle.

"Finally, available in two stunning colour combinations, a dress for the girl who both wants to maximise the appearance of her stomach AND identify the location of her crotch with giant bow. Awesome, right? Right? I can't believe I've gone this long without having arrows pointing to my crotch. How did I ever find it before?"

The giant front panel reminds me of those pregnancy panels they put in clothes to create a support system for a pregnant woman's freakishly engorged abdomen. I'm not really sure what the point of the bow is; it's not as if it gathers the material or serves a purpose. It's just there, perched atop the crotch like a bow. I don't know about you, but I'm always happiest when my crotch is well-accessorized.

And is it just me, or does this dress make you think of a mouse, with the black and then the pink armpit panels and pink bow? Seriously, stare at it for a while. Little mousey face.

Dorothy Perkins Grey 1/2 Sleeve Dress - £12
Dorothy Perkins Red Colour Block Dress - £3
Dorothy Perkins Black Colour Block Dress - £10