I Choose You, Pokeboob!

What does this top remind me of?



It's so familiar ... I can't quite place it ...



Oh, right. They give your boobs anime eyes. Man, that was driving me crazy.

By the by, never wear this. Or, if you do, don't complain about how no one is making eye contact with you. They're making eye contact, just not with your eyes.

Hollister & Co. Belleflower - $29.50

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298

If You're Still Happy And You Know It

Okay, so can someone please explain something to me?



Why did Forever 21 reissue this happy boob sweater dress only three months after it first hit stores? More importantly, why are they selling this again but refusing to sell more of the perfectly lovely crossover jersey dress I bought from them a month ago but shrunk in the wash?

Forever 21 Belted Sweater Dress - $34

Miller? I hardly know her.

I remember Nicole Miller having some great, simple dresses back in the late 90s.

I'm starting to wonder if that was some sort of a hallucination I had.

Here we have a bustier top and a pre-wrinkled skirt. Basically, it's a dress designed to look like you're doing the walk of shame. Which could be brilliant, I guess - if it catches on, it'd be hard to tell who's actually doing the walk of shame and who's just making a fashion choice.

And, since it's a bustier top, the cups end up giving your boobs eyes. But in this case, they're saggy and wrinkled eyes. Tired eyes, having seen better days.

This dress just kind of befuddles me. It's got a Mondrianish look to it, but with a graphic pattern. And what a graphic pattern it is.

I can't tell if these are sea anemones or intergalactic space flowers. Either way, I'm not sure what the hell they're doing on this dress. I mean, yeah, they're kind of pretty, but they also have the look of tentacle monster to them, and you should never, ever wear a tentacle monster on your dress. It just doesn't send the right message.

Nicole Miller Seafoam Crinkled Metallic Bustier Dress - $312
Nicole Miller Purple Geometric Floral Jersey Dress - $159

Stronger, Better, Faster

What does the design of this dress remind you of?

If your answer was "those stupid sunglasses Kanye West used to wear," then congratulations, we have the same thought process. You should be very, very afraid.

I guess this would be a nice counterattack to my constant fear of my breasts looking like they have eyes. I can confront that phobia head-on by giving them sunglasses. Yeah, they may have eyes, but at least you can't see them!

Topshop Squiggle Dress by Unique - $135

Compare and Contrast

Sometimes I'll look at a dress and think, "that would work way better as a skirt," or vice versa.

This is not one of those times. In fact, I can't decide whether this looks worse as a dress or as a skirt. If it's a dress, at least you don't have to figure out what top to match it with. If it's a skirt, well, there's less of it to be horrified by. The dress has molded cups. The skirt appears to be high-waisted. The dress looks like something Britney Spears would wear to the Kid's Choice Awards. The skirt looks like something a Rock of Love Contestant would wear to a job interview when her vest suit is at the dry cleaners.

Topshop Ripped Denim Bodycon Skirt - $70
Topshop Ripped Denim Dress - $100

Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa Presents ...

Thanks to Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa for bringing Topshop to my attention. She journeyed to the New York store a few weeks ago and tried on this delight:

Why yes, this is a denim romper with molded cups. So good of you to notice!

The one thing - ONE THING - this does have going for it is that the waist is clearly defined, unlike on most other rompers. The corseted top actually does give it a shape that's not unflattering, per se. But it has those damn molded cups, and you know how I loathe them. There's no way for molded cups not to look cheap. This romper is what Daisy Duke would wear in the CW remake of The Dukes of Hazzard. Which, again I would totally watch because it would probably involve Bo and Luke being estranged cousins who are competing for the spots on the high school football team, and Daisy would be their next door neighbor who they're also competing for.

Anyway, this introduces a new feature I'll be adding to this blog - the clothes in real life. I'm occasionally going to go out to the stores and try the clothes on, to show how horrifying they look on a real person. In this case, here is Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa modeling the Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit:

In her words - "This is an actual outfit available for purchase at Top Shop. Try to keep your tongues off the floor, gentlemen!"

Indeed, Melissa. Indeed.

Topshop Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit - $90

Forever 21 Did This on Purpose

It's like Forever 21 actively wants to be featured on this site. Which, given that they friended me on Twitter (probably because they do keyword searches for their names, the vain bastards), it could be the case.

This is not something I would ever wear. I hate those built-in bra cups. Hate them. They make me think of eyelids, and I don't want my breasts to be able to blink. They should be unblinking. That's what I like about them.

The top finishes in yet another style I hate: the bubble hem. That's right. A bubble hem that ends at a voluminous skirt. Because that's a great look for anybody other than Barbie Thighs the Model.

I'd keep the belt, though. So the dress isn't a total wash, right?

What? It's the Jewish New Year, I'm trying to be a little kinder and find something good in everyone.

Ooh, and for those of you who are dying for those denim dresses from the first post,, they're on sale!

Forever 21 Denim and Plaid Dress - $39
Forever 21 X-Posed Denim Dress - $9.99
Forever 21 Denim Jumper Dress - $11.99

If You're Happy and You Know It

You can thank my friend Little Emily for this one. She took a break from studying to find this mess.

One of my big issues with clothes is that I have to pay close attention to the bust line. If I'm not careful, my chest will stretch out the designs of the shirt or dress, making it look really weird. And, often, the pattern ends up giving my boobs some sort of anthropomorphic look.

In this case, my breasts won't need the help. Even with a small-chested model, the arcing white and black stripes give the appearance of eyebrows, making her breasts seem moderately amused. I don't know why, but paired with the big black bow, the dress makes me think of an anime character.

It should also be noted that this dress has vertical pleats, pockets, and a gathered banded hem. So, basically, it's designed to flare out as much as possible around your hips and thighs before constricting again around your legs. Yeah, there's no way this could possibly be unflattering.

Forever 21 Belted Sweater Dress - $34

Three Dresses of Varying Degrees of Ugly

Again, Forever 21 offers a plethora of unattractive dresses.

This dress is called the "Ready or Not" dress. I believe the origins of the name stem from the fact that the stitching on the cups create the illusion of eyes. It's like your rack is getting ready to play hide and seek with good taste!

I mentioned a rule in an earlier post about not wearing anything that looks unflattering on the mannequin. The same applies for if it looks bad on the model. This is wrong in so many ways: the ill-fitting bodice, the weirdly spaced armhole, the shapeless skirt, the bubble hem. This is what you make in a Home Ec class.

And from behind, the bubble hem/shapeless skirt combination manages to give the girl a pear shape while simultaneously hiding any semblance of an ass. That is a feat in and of itself.

Admittedly, it's not as bad in the always vibrant black/taupe combination. That doesn't mean the dress is a good idea, though, by any stretch of the imagination. And, the dress still makes you completely shapeless. Worse still, in this picture, it creates the illusion of pantaloons.

This I include only because I'm pretty sure that it's what Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas" would wear if Halloweentown were hit with a sudden heat wave.

Forever 21 Ready Or Not Slip Dress

Forever 21 Bubble Empire Dress

Forever 21 Mixed Print Maxi Dress