Free the Feet

Okay, until the other day, I had absolutely no idea that Free People sells the ugliest shoes in the world.

And they do. These are a close second to the Slouchy Clogs of Doom posted on Friday.



It's nice that they've provided such sturdy ankle support when wearing a high wedge like that. Well, it's either sturdy ankle support, or these are actually straight jackets for your feet.



These, much like the Slouchy Clogs of Doom, are styled with a pair of shorts. Look, if it's hot enough out that you're wearing shorts, maybe you shouldn't be wearing a heavy leather shoe.



I doubt these shoes breathe much, and you're not wearing socks with them (please, don't wear socks with them, that'd be even worse). So basically, when you wear these shoes as styled, you're subjecting your feet to an entire day of being submerged in a sweat bath while wearing a straight jacket. That's just not right to do to your feet.

Your feet haven't done anything to you. They allow you to move from place to place. Without them, your calves would look really weird. If you're Uma Thurman, it's the reason Quentin Tarantino keeps casting you in movies.

Your feet still love you after you've walked too far in uncomfortable shoes. They love you if you go a month without a pedicure, until your toenail polish has entirely chipped off. Even if you stub your toe, your foot heels back up as quickly as it can, so it can keep on working for you.

So why would you do this to your feet? With all they've done for you, don't you think you owe it to them to not wear this shoes?

Free People Arrowhead Wedge - $248

Future-trama

From the Zappos description: Set the tone for what the world is coming to with these futuristic ankle boots from Betsey Johnson.



Look, I watched a lot of Jetsons when I was a kid. I remember there was a sassy robot maid, a cool treadmill thing for dog walking, and the houses were in the sky.

I do not remember anything about ugly metallic peep-toe booties. That is not the future that I signed on for. In fact, the future I was expecting had about 98% fewer booties, and 100% more flying cars.

So no, Zappos. I will not "set the tone for what the world is coming to." If the world is to be dominated by peep-toed booties, I will fight it with every fiber of my being. Do you hear me? With every fiber of my being.

Betsey Johnson Capri Booties - $160 (was $299)

Invested in Gossip Girl

First off, in a bit of cross-promotion, I will be blogging for a Gossip Girl fashion blog called "You Know You Love Fashion."

Having said that:

Doesn't this look like something Serena would wear to school in yet another very loose interpretation of the Constance uniform? Can't you just see her wearing this while talking B out of her latest crazy revenge scheme, or arguing with Dan over whether or not he's a self-righteous dick? Then Dan would make some obnoxious comment about how not everyone has money and privilege, and he would storm back to his massive Brooklyn loft of poverty, and Kristen Bell would say something like, "Uh-oh, looks like Lonely Boy isn't ready for S's fringe benefits" while Serena stands in the courtyard looking gorgeous and vaguely perturbed.

Man, I'm so glad Gossip Girl is back.

ModCloth Midnight Cowgirl Vest - $199

Form Follows Function

Form follows function. It's a simple principle: that the shape of a building (or, in this case, a shoe) should be based on the purpose of the building/shoe.

Why is this concept so difficult for shoe designers to grasp as we head into the fall?





Peep toe boots. Seriously?

I think we can all agree that the primary purpose of a boot is to keep one's feet and ankles warm and dry during the less temperate months. There are other purposes - to look like a badass, to put those scraps of cow hide to good use - but the primary is to keep feet warm and dry.

This cannot be accomplished with peep toes. The most difficult thing about boots is keeping your toes warm when it's cold out. There is no reason to have your toes hanging out. Even when it's warm, there's no reason to cover your entire foot and ankle with leather, only to have your toes exposed like a hobo who has worn through his last pair of shoes. It's just not necessary.



And even worse, the combination shootie/peep toe. I hate the shootie. Hate it. Violently. It either makes you look like you're on your way to the Neverland Transvestite Ball, or like you have cloven hooves.

It's not even a real boot! It's a hybrid cop-out. It's what you wear when you think, "Hm, I sort of feel like wearing a boot, but I'm not really committed to the idea. Plus, the top of my arch is just so sexy, I'd like to keep it exposed." And this is not actually a thought sane people have.

As a change of pace, these are all crazy expensive, as opposed to the bargain-basement Forever 21 selections normally featured. If you're itching to drop $400+ on a pair of shoes, the links are below ... but, I'd advise you to spare yourself and others. Instead, spend the $400+ on a worthwhile cause, like buying me these:




Giuseppe Zanotti I97071 - $760
Marc by Marc Jacobs 694905 - $465
Giuseppe Zanotti I96070 - $650
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $150
Betsey Johnson Caitlin - $200