Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.



This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

A Unique Asymmetry

It's important to remember that the word "unique" isn't always a good thing.



Like, when Forever 21 describes this top as being "a unique stretch tunic," they might intend for that to be a positive, but it's safe to say that "unique" doesn't mean "flattering" or "appealing."

This top is what happens when you fail your Home Ec class, but you don't want to get a failing grade, so instead you try to explain that it's fashionable. Or, "unique." It apparently has two 3/4 length sleeves, but you can only see one because of the fabric draped over the left side. Don't stare too long, though, because the fabric will make you go cross-eyed.

I don't want to say this tunic would have been fine if it were in a different fabric, but it would be less likely to induce motion-sickness if it were in a solid fabric, rather than what appears to be "bar code."

I also like that it comes off of a big flowy top with diagonal stripes and then tightens up around the hips with horizontal stripes, for maximum unflattering proportions. I especially like the dark chunk below the thighs, as if to highlight how ugly and ill-fitting the whole thing is. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure that out otherwise, but thanks, Forever 21, for putting in that extra effort.

Forever 21 Dazed Asymmetric Tunic - $17.80