Mistakes Were Made ...

I've been going through an insane domestic phase the last few days. It's partly a function of my being on Spring Break and feeling like I have too much time on my hands, and it's partly a function of being sick of the same three places my boyfriend and I always eat at. It used to be four ... RIP, Westwood Chili's.

What? Don't judge me, they had hot wings for 50 cents each, giving you a bucket of tasty for under $6.

Right. Anyway. So I've been going through an "I should cook!" phase, which mostly entailed my surfing through cooking blogs looking for macaron recipes. Then I stumbled upon a blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere.

Apparently I'm the last person on the internet to find this, as it recently won the 2010 Bloggies for Best Fashion Blog. And it really is amazing - gorgeous photographs of food and of pretty, pretty clothing. The kind of clothes that you see and want to buy, despite the fact that the price is more Barney's than Forever 21.

What sold me on the blog, though, was a series of pictures of the writer in this dress:



She actually styled it better than the good folks at ShopBop, which is no small feat. I stared at these pictures for at least five minutes before finally deciding: I must have this dress. I must.



Florals! But not in a cheesy, Tori Spelling on 90210 way.



It's flowy! It's girly! I can walk through the streets of LA in something other than a scoop-neck t-shirt, jeans, and Converse! I can go shopping on Robertson! This dress, I decided, would change my life. Upon wearing it, I would become stylish, fashionable, chic.

So I went to Madewell in Century City. It opened a few years ago, but I've always passed it by. Their window styling isn't particularly impressive, and glancing in, I never saw anything that really grabbed my eye.

It's not often I realize I've made a terrible fashion mistake. The last one was my prom dress, back before I realized that pastels are not my palette. But not having visited Madewell sooner ... that now ranks up there in my list of fashion mistakes.

I tried on, no joke, 15 dresses and tops. I bought a couple dresses - one of them was the floral dress above, the other was this dress:



I'm returning them both, but that's because the dresses look terrible on me, not because the dresses deserve to be returned. I may or may not cry as I hand them back to the cashier.

The fabric is soft and malleable and flowy. The cut's great. But no matter how many times the girls working in the store told me the dresses were great for girls "who are, y'know, big on top," it just doesn't work for me. I think the waist isn't cut high enough, so the dress just has a lot of excess fabric between my chest and my waist.

Either way, these dresses are going back to the store, but I hope they're taken in by a new owner who can fulfill all the fantasies I had about wearing these dresses. Don't worry about me ... I'll be fine. I'll just wait out this season until the cut switches to something a little more flattering.

But learn from my mistake: if you live in NY or LA, check out Madewell. If you don't have a nearby Madewell, they have part of their collection on the ShopBop website. Check it out. J.Crew may be like that elegant friend of yours who lives in heels and can actually wear a tie-neck dress, but Madewell is her younger sister who, every time you see her, looks effortlessly cool - the kind of deceptive effortlessness which gives you hope that you can do it, too.

Madewell Georgette Flutter Dress - $135

Yes, Nice Things About F21

My cousin is getting married in a few months (congratulations, Erin!), and she has a bridal shower coming up. I was surfing Forever 21 for a dress to wear to the shower, when I came across these two dresses.

After staring at them for several minutes, I still can't decide if these dresses are actually cute, or if I'm just losing my mind.



I know that, technically, this is a blog about the things that I wouldn't wear (hence, "You Want Me To Wear What?" rather than "Why Would Anyone Ever Wear This?"). In this case, though, neither of these dresses would work on me. At all.

But on a thin girl, I think this dress could be pretty amazing. Not just in the usual Lucky fashion tips way of "Add curves with tiers!" No, I think this could actually work on someone with less of an hourglass because the dress itself is really interesting to look at. The colors go together, the layers work, and it kind of reminds me of a deconstructed bandage dress. A softer, deconstructed take is a welcome change from what I always felt was a harsh, almost militaristic style.



As for this, I wouldn't have liked it, had I not seen it on a model.



I'm actually kind of curious to try the dress. I don't think it will look good on me, but I just want to give it a shot. I like that it curves and creates the illusion of corsetting without having to go through the trouble of wearing a corset. I like that it's kind of a play on the t-shirt under a dress thing that's been happening lately. Essentially, the dress is kind of just an optical illusion, but in the good way. In the, "Doesn't give me headaches" way.

With all of Forever 21's attempts at couture - all their weird, overdone, excessively designed dresses, if you had described these dresses to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind - Forever 21 can't touch something unusual and not make it bizarre. But no, I'm actually pretty sure that these dresses are kind of awesome.

Thoughts?

Forever 21 Rendezvous Pleat Dress - $29.80
Forever 21 Attention Colorblock Dress - $19.80

Secret Agent Amanda

I have a very active imagination. For some reason, it's worse when I'm walking places. If I'm walking somewhere, I will think up this whole other plot line about my life. More often than not, I am a super-spy in it. Because who doesn't have a little bit of Bond in them?



If I owned this trench coat, I'm pretty sure I actually would be a super-spy. If I were on my way to class and a Russian agent jumped out at me, I'd disarm them without even dropping my bookbag.

Essentially: There's no way you can not be a badass in this coat.

ModCloth En-Trenched With Style Coat - $72.99

Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

A Positive Coat

Occasionally, I see something I like so much, I have to post it.



This is one of those times. I would wear this coat so hard, my other jackets would get jealous. I might or might not make it the background of my computer, I love it so much. My only regret is that it's a coat, and not a sleeveless minidress, because if I could remove the sleeves and make it in a cotton fabric, I would cuddle with it at night and carry it around like a security blanket.

That's how much I love this coat.

ModCloth Heartfelt Coat - $79.99

A Correction

Last week, I posted an indignant rant about the differences between an herbivore and a vegetarian, and why dinosaurs are not vegetarians. I also said that, had they made a matching shirt with "Carnivore" written on it, I would not have objected to the shirt.



That being the case, it seems the "Vegetarian" t-shirt previously written about is not a dinosaur-themed article of propaganda, but instead, it's just inaccurate. I stand corrected.

And, true to my word, I bought the carnivore t-shirt. Because come on - dinosaurs are awesome.

Forever 21 T-Rex Carnivore Tee - $14.90

Wait, what?

It's Friday? No, I totally didn't forget that it was Friday and therefore didn't remember to put together any posts.



So, uh .... look, a pretty dress!

DIANE von FURSTENBERG Iridescent Chiffon "Erosa" Dress - $385

EEEEEEEEEE!

I, like many people, have a soft spot for things that are cute. I can't resist going into a pet shop and watching puppies chew on things (although, yes, I realize pet shops are evil). I once stood in the rodent hut at the Bronx Zoo for 20 minutes with my finger against the glass of a European field mouse exhibit, because the tiny European field mice kept standing on their hind legs and licking the glass where my finger was. I then went home and changed a Wikipedia article on field mice to include the fact that European field mice "administer tiny mouse kisses."



With that in mind, buy these shirts at your own risk. There is a very good chance that, if I happen to see you wearing one, I will run up and hug you.



Especially if you're wearing this one. If you're wearing this, I will probably squeeze you while saying "Squish," because one of my greatest desires in life is to squish a baby penguin.

Consider yourself warned.

Delia*s Polar Bear Baby Tee - $24.50
Delia*s Penguin Baby Tee - $24.50

Dropping a Hint

As you're all well aware, my birthday is only five months away. While I don't doubt that you found me that perfect present months ago, I figured I'd help out those of you who have put it off to the last minute.



Buy me this.

Please.

Scala Platinum Paiette Cocktail Dresses - $258

Search and Tell

I use a stat counter to obsessively check how many pageviews I have (what can I say, I've got an ego). It also records where the page view came from (ie: what page they were linked from). I was checking my stat counter tonight when I saw that a reader found my blog by searching "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

No, mysterious reader in Kentucky, no it will not. Okay, I can't guarantee that, but go for it. The worst that happens is, you try on the skirt, it does, and then you don't buy it. Or, you buy it but return it.

In case you don't have any in mind, I found this after a quick search and thought it was cute.



I'm also a big fan of this dress from Modcloth, although it's a little pricey.



Or, if you're really that timid about it, why not try a jacket?





The point, though, is that if you like this skirt enough to run a Google search on whether or not it will make you look fat, you should go for it. Chances are it won't, and you'll probably be so happy wearing it that it won't even matter.

The Limited Clean Cut Miniskirt - $24.99
Modcloth Workweek Wonderful Dress - $106.99
House of Dereon Wool Peacoat - $54.99
KC Collection Women's Houndstooth Coat - $55.99

ModCloth Deserves Some Praise

I was weeding through my many, many tabs tonight, because even Chrome can't handle the number of pages I have open. And, as I sorted through them, I realized something: half of the tabs were for ModCloth's dresses. I realized, I've barely looked at the rest of the site lately, because I've been so absorbed with their dress section. But here's the thing: for all of the awful dresses I've posted, for all the misplaced peplums and mottled sequins, the majority of the dresses are great.

So, in the hopes that others will get to buy the dresses and twirl around feeling pretty, I'm posting some of my favorites (I'm on a shopping embargo, due to not being particularly employed, so I can't buy their entire dress section).

Yeah, there's not a lot of cutting remarks and sarcasm, but there are pretty dresses after the jump.

Check Plus

Back several months ago, I posted a purple buffalo check dress from ModCloth. I was not a fan.

It's made worse by the fact that I have since discovered that ModCloth can in fact get purple buffalo check right - a feat I didn't think possible.



The dress is tailored, so it doesn't overwhelm you with fabric. The checks seem to be bigger, but the purple and black are better blended, so it's not too busy. This is actually a wearable dress; as opposed to the prior dress, which was really just a ream of buffalo check fabric that was hastily stapled together as a last-minute Home Ec project.


ModCloth Corral Dress - $52.99

Terror in the Skies!

I'm a nerd. I'm a huge, giant nerd. My other blog is about disaster movies. So, that should have been your first hint right there that I am a rock collecting, Bill Nye loving science geek.

Therefore, it is without shame that I post these sweaters and admit that yes, I would absolutely wear them if they were handed to me.

No, really. Come on, it has teradactyls on it! How cool is that? I'd argue that this is well worth the nearly $270 price tag, if for no other reasons than, well, DINOSAURS.

I wouldn't wear this dress with sequined leggings, but I would work very hard to create an outfit around this sweater dress. It's a little devastating to me that it's sold out, because that means I'm going to see women wearing this sweater dress, and I'm not one of them.

I like the solo teradactyl on this - it's a surprisingly simple cardigan, when you consider that it has a giant dinosaur on the back. Normally, if it's Betsey Johnson, I would expect to see lace hems and polka dots and half of Andie's prom dress from Pretty In Pink. But no, it's a very simple cardigan with a teradactyl on it.

I wouldn't wear this sweater, only because I have a very short torso and therefore cropped sweaters do me no favors. If it weren't $230, I'd consider buying it just so I can own an article of clothing that has a dinosaur on it.

Betsey Johnson gets some major points for designing a sweater and a dress with teradactyls on it - and, beyond that, for letting it stand on its own, as a simple statement of awesomeness. That takes bravery, Ms. Johnson, and it has paid off handsomely.

Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Sweater Dress - $268
Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Cropped Cardigan - $228

ModCloth Is Not American Apparel

I have nothing against shiny things. I love shiny things. Shinies are delightful.

The problem is, when shiny isn't done well, it looks cheap. And when it looks cheap, it looks like it's from American Apparel. Adding fringe to the underboob region doesn't make this look any less cheap. I guess it does distract from the cheap shiny fabric on top, which is doing very strange things to the mannequin's chest. Seriously, doesn't it kind of make the mannequin look like a Fembot?

Sequins are tricky. Done wrong, the sequins end up looking mottled. Done wrong, shiny and tight, the dress ends up looking like something you modeled at a company photoshoot, during which your creepy mutton-chopped boss pawed at you, then afterward propositioned you.

ModCloth, you did shiny so well here. Aim for pretty shiny, not trashy American Apparel shiny.

Shiny.

Shiny, shiny, shiny ... I'm sorry, what?

ModCloth Kick Line Dress$54.99
ModCloth Tis the Season to Shine Dress - $49.99
ModCloth Polaris Dress - $99.99

Things To Be Thankful For

With today being Thanksgiving, and the holidays just around the corner, I thought I'd be nice.



So. I'd be very thankful if someone would buy me this dress for Hanukkah.

ModCloth Ladies' Luncheon Dress - $79.99

A Change of Heart

Initially, I was going to write a post in my usual style, talking about how ugly these skirts are.

But then, looking at them some more, I found ... I kind of like them. No, I really like them. It was like in a romantic comedy, when the heroine suddenly realizes that she doesn't hate the male lead, she loves him. It hasn't been rage fueling all their spats, but passion.

I mean, sure, they're a little 80s, and I'd never wear them, but I can't help it. I love them. They're just so colorful, with their gradient lace.

You guys, I'm like totally Cher Horowitz right now. I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with these skirts!

Forever 21 Lace Tiered Skirt - $28

Twee!

So I was trolling the TopShop website, and lo and behold, I found two things that I don't hate. Granted, they're a little precious, but ... yeah. I can't help myself.

I mean, come on! It's like those umbrellas you can buy at Disneyland! I want to write my name on it in cursive using puffy paint!

This beanie makes me want to move back to New York, so I'll have an excuse to wear it. And yes, I realize the cat ear thing is overdone beyond measure, but ... dammit, it's just so cute.

So if you want to buy either for me, you're more than welcome.

TopShop Cat Ear Beanie Hat - $20
TopShop Double Frill Walker Umbrella - $50

I'm Not Afraid To Say It

I unabashedly love these.



I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know they're impractical, will be wildly unflattering on almost everyone, and will wear terribly. I know. They're awful.

But oh my god, I love them.

Topshop Pink Sequin Hotpants - $50

Gossip Girl on Ice!

First off, some cross-promotion. Check out my entry for "Rufus Getting Married" over at www.youknowyoulovefashion.com, the Gossip Girl fashion blog I sometimes write for.

Now, onto the clothes.

This dress is called the "Ice Skater Dress." Normally, when someone says a dress looks like it would be worn by an ice skater, it's a criticism, not something to brag about.

However, this dress is cute. This dress does Icecapades Chic right. It would look amazing on one of the Gossip Girls - probably Blake, since she's contractually required to wear short, revealing clothes.

On me, however, I would look like a former Icecapdes understudy who relives her glory days by squeezing back into her old costume and gliding through the house in socks. Which, yes, I do that already. But not in a $250 dress. When I wear a $250 dress, I twirl in circles like a little girl, squealing "I look so pretty!"

So, yeah. This dress would work on Blake Lively, but not on me. Also, I overshare and should probably not do that so much.

The end.

(unless you want to keep reading about Gossip Girl fashion, in which case, you should start reading You Know You Love Fashion, because the other writers are brilliantly funny)

Topshop Ice Skater Dress by Boutique - $250

Mad Maxi

I'm short (5'2" on a good day), so maxi dresses are kind of not happening for me. I'd have enough fabric left over after hemming to make a separate dress, so I just don't bother. But, I don't discount the style just because it doesn't work on me. On other women, it ends up looking very flattering and bohemian. And in the case of this Forever 21 model, freakishly Amazonian:



Amazing, right? She looks statuesque. A Forever 21 model looks statuesque. How often does that happen? The picture actually makes me want to buy one, just so I can pretend that I will look 6 inches taller and 25 pounds lighter.

That is a maxi dress done right.

This, on the other hand, is not.



It just looks like there is so much fabric. The giant pattern might be cute on a skirt, or a short sundress, but on a maxi dress it overwhelms the model. And models are not designed to look overwhelmed. But this dress manages to make her look tiny, like a little girl trying on her mom's dress. And there's just a ton of fabric in the skirt, which defeats the whole streamlined, long and lean look that a maxi should give.

It's kind of befuddling how one clothing company can get the same style so right and so wrong, all in one go.

But, then again, that's the magic of Forever 21, isn't it?

Forever 21 Knit Maxi Dress - 17.80
Forever 21 Wild Floral Maxi Dress - $22.80