Just Like I'm On Dynasty

If ShopBop is any indication, a big trend this spring is dresses with one long, draped sleeve.



This trend would not work for me. It would swallow me whole.



I don't dislike it, though. No, if I could, I would wear these dresses all the time, specifically so I could punctuate statements with dramatic arm gestures.

"You must come visit us in the Hamptons this year. No, you simply must."


"Darling, trust me. There's nothing a good pool boy can't fix."


"It's like my third husband always said, 'Honey, did you drink all the gin?'"

A.L.C. Capelet Dress with Belt - $343 $240.10
Haute Hippie One Shoulder Swing Dress - $345
Issa Long Sleeve Long Dress - $734
Riller & Fount Fiona Mini Dress with Kimono Sleeve - $150
Alice & Olivia Elyse One Shoulder Dress - $330 $99

Costume Idea #16: And Now It's Stuck In Your Head

Every so often, I remember with horror that the 90s were 10 years ago. This is horrifying to me because I'm starting to understand why my dad regularly says, of classic rock songs, "Doesn't this sound like it could have been made this year?" When I was younger, I would often agree so as to not be a terrible child. But now, I actually get it, because "Genie In a Bottle" is almost eleven years old. And that is, at best, unnerving.

So, if you're feeling nostalgic this Halloween, why not go as Christina Aguilera from the video? Anthropologie's made it a lot easier for everyone by selling these bright orange, totally wearable pants, for a perfectly reasonable price of $78.



Sure, it's a little expensive for a pair of orange cotton pants, but really - what wouldn't you pay to look this cool while singing thinly veiled euphemisms for a dude groping you while dancing?



My point exactly.

Anthropologie Trail Trotter Crops - $78

Secret Agent Amanda

I have a very active imagination. For some reason, it's worse when I'm walking places. If I'm walking somewhere, I will think up this whole other plot line about my life. More often than not, I am a super-spy in it. Because who doesn't have a little bit of Bond in them?



If I owned this trench coat, I'm pretty sure I actually would be a super-spy. If I were on my way to class and a Russian agent jumped out at me, I'd disarm them without even dropping my bookbag.

Essentially: There's no way you can not be a badass in this coat.

ModCloth En-Trenched With Style Coat - $72.99

Costume Ideas #15: Like a Virgin

If you have an 80s party coming up, or you just like to start planning your Halloween costume ten months in advance, here's a suggestion:



Madonna.

I can't think of a single other use for this top. This top was designed solely for the purpose of dressing up as Madonna. Its life dream is to be worn with a belt that says "BOY TOY."

So go forth. Go forth and wear lace fingerless gloves. Crimp your hair. Let this top's dream become a reality.

Forever 21 Delectable Lace Tier Top - $22.80

The Stars Are Ageless

Back in October, I posted a turban being sold by Forever 21. At the time, I suggested it would be perfect for a Norma Desmond costume.



If you loved that costume at the time, imagine how much more you'll like it when you have the complete outfit.

No, it's not the sweeping robes and elaborate gowns that she wore in the movie. But if you're going to wear a turban in real life just for kicks, this is the dress you wear it with.

ModCloth It's All Navy Dress - $64.99

Stronger Than A Runaway Train

If you've ever wanted to dress up like a superhero and run around town pretending to fight crime, ModCloth just made finding a costume 90% easier.




The best part is, the wedges give you that added bit of height necessary to intimidate evildoers, but they don't have a heel, so you're less likely to take a header while running after your arch nemesis.

ModCloth Alter Ego Dress - $57.99
ModCloth Going Gaga Wedges $44.99

Costume Ideas #14: Sexy Star Wars

Want to be a sexy character from Star Wars, but sick of the Slave Leia costume? Well, here's your chance.



That's right. You can be a sexy Wookie.

Forever 21 Urban Faux Fur Vest - $24.80

Costume Ideas #13: The Rainbow Connection

Do you live in L.A.? Are you planning on going to the West Hollywood Halloween Parade?

Do you want to be wildly popular?

Wear this dress and a "No on Prop 8" button.

Modcloth Prism Dress - $47.99

Costume Ideas #12: Hooker

For when "Slutty ___" is just too complicated.



Enjoy.

Forever 21 Cire Slip Dress - $19.80

Costume Ideas #11: Hip-Ho, Hip-Ho

Is one of your friends going as a slutty Snow White? Want to provide a slightly more unusual counterpoint?

Hipster Dopey.

Pair with a big purple jacket from Forever 21, and a pair of purple pants or leggings (which are not pants), and you're set.

Forever 21 Soft Sweater Beanie - $3.50
Forever 21 Loop Button Swing Coat - $22.80
American Apparel Unisex Slim Slack - $74

Costume Ideas #10: Punk... eh. Ish. Ballerina

Most little girls go through a phase where they want to be a ballerina. This was always especially evident at Halloween, when you would always have at least one girl in a puffy pink tutu and a slicked back bun.

But, over time, that fades, and girls become teenagers or 20-somethings who want to wear something sexy and fun.

Unless, of course, you don't want to be yet another slutty Snow White. In which case, have I got a dress for you ...



Maybe it's just me, but this dress, paired with some Doc Martins, would probably work as a punk ballerina dress.



As a dress itself - independent of the costume aspect - I really don't like it. I hate the proportions. In theory, the skirt works, but it manages to be too puffy coming out of the t-shirt. And also, it's attached to a t-shirt. A t-shirt. The sleeves are too long, the waist is too low, and it's a t-shirt. A weird, misshapen t-shirt.

Oh, and it comes in Fleshy Pink. And you know how I feel about Fleshy Pink.

Forever 21 Lace Trim Dress - $39

Costume Ideas #9: Norma Desmond

Done.

You have to find the pinky cigarette holder, the sweeping robes, the devoted butler, and the handsome unemployed writer. I found the hard part.

Forever 21 Knitted Turban - $5.80

Costume Ideas #8: Silk Spectre I

This isn't actually a sarcastic post. I'm actually trying to be helpful here.

No, seriously.

This is Silk Spectre II, and yes, she's super hot, has a sexy latex costume, and perfect hair.

So, every nerd's girlfriend is going to be going as Silk Spectre II this year (from Watchmen, for those of you who aren't giant geeks).

However, no one will be going as her retro-foxy mom, Silk Spectre I (aka, Sally).

Except for you.

All you'll need is a stitch ripper to take the ruffles off the top, one of these two belts (the zip one is more accurate, but I like the gold, it looks more superheroish).

Add some arm-length gloves, a black bustier, a garter belt, and thigh-high fishnets, and you're set.

Forever 21 Shimmer Sleeveless Ruffle Shirt - $19.80
Forever 21 Zip Front Waist Belt - $4.80
Forever 21 Azteca Waist Belt - $7.80

Costume Ideas #7: All in the Family

Want to go really, really dark for Halloween?



I know. This dress doesn't exactly scream dark, but pair it with some flowers in your hair and smear it with fake blood and you can go as a member of the Manson family.

Forever 21 Delft Tea Gown - $27.80

Costume Ideas #6 - Freddy Krueger

So, the "sexy ____" trend for Halloween costumes has exploded in the past few years. You can even be a sexy Wednesday Adams. I'm dreading the day that they do a sexy Daria. Because you know they will.

In the meantime, though, you can always haunt mens' dreams sexily as Freddy Krueger.



But that's so boring - everyone does sexy costumes. So here are some variations on the Freddy Krueger theme:



How about the more conservative she-Krueger?



Or you could be Miss Krueger on date night.



You could always be Freddy Krueger after he renounces killing people and instead becomes a hipster who talks incessantly about obscure bands, organic produce, and the latest foreign film that is totally genius and yeah, it didn't seem to have any point, but the point is that there isn't a point. That's right, you can be the Vanessa Abrams of Freddy Kruegers.

Topshop Knitted Striped Dress - $80
Topshop Stripe Mesh Top Jersey Dress - $80
Topshop Knitted Stripe Dress - $80 Mesh hem
Women's Freddy Krueger Costume - $47.99

Humboldt Hips

I'm trying to figure out who Topshop is designing these dresses for.

I can't imagine that skinny girls would want to wear something that so heavily detracts from their thinness, and I can promise you that girls with hips don't want to throw giant flaps of fabric on that only serve to accentuate wider hips.

So, as far as I can tell, the only person who would wear a style like this is someone who's trying to attract men with a squid fetish, such as this guy:



Topshop Anna Rose Cowl Neck Dress - $90
Topshop Stripe Peplum Jersey Minidress - $80
Topshop Taffeta Prom Dress - $100

Don't Be Taken In By His Welcome Grin

I was originally going to dub this a costume idea, but it's just too obvious. Especially since, if you're going to go in the crocodile costume vein, you should always go with this:



So, when would this dress be appropriate?



I'm thinking, if you're going to the zoo and you want to cause some trouble.

Topshop Crocodile Print Dress by Christopher Kane - $125

Costume Ideas #5 - And the Band Begins to Play

This is one of those cases where something reminded me of another article of clothing, and despite my furious searching, I've had to accept that it was just one of those weird mental links.

This dress made me think of Yellow Submarine (the Beatles' cartoon). I don't think anyone - John, Paul, Ringo, George, or any of the Blue Meanies - wore a flag team dress. And yet, my first thought was, "This was in 'Yellow Submarine.'"



The website claims that, "the overall look is pulled together with a contrast ribbed binding," which I would argue is kind of a damned lie, since there's no way this look ends up being pulled together. "Thrown together in Home Ec," yes. "Pulled together," not so much.

The thing is, I don't hate this dress. I really like the shape of the skirt and the torso. It's not even the overall detailing - even if they kept the button placket on, I would like it. But I don't like the gold military design, partly because it would look weird on me and partly because I think it looks crazy cheap. It makes the dress cross over into why it falls into Halloween Costume territory - it looks like what you'd buy from Aahs! to wear if you and some friends wanted to dress up as band geeks. Not slutty band geeks. Just plain old boring band geeks.

Forever 21 Military Sweater Dress - $34

Costume Ideas #4 - Cheap Sheena

For some reason, whenever I picture the Real Housewives of New Jersey dressed in Halloween costumes, I imagine them all dressed as kittens - black skintight jumpsuits, big teased hair, and a tail pinned on. Modeling this look is Teresa Giudice:



(thanks to MS Paint - sorry for the Perez-level quality)

Not that I normally picture - or edit pictures of - the Real Housewives in Halloween costumes. In fact, the only reason the mental image popped into my head was because I saw this dress.



If they get tired of dressing like their mafia husband's kitty, they can go as Sheena, Queen of Jersey.

Arden B. Shirred Animal Print Twist Strap Dress - $39.99
Buy.com Funky Cat Costume - $33.95

Costume Ideas #3 - Downtown Charlie Brown

Relentless in my quest to find you the perfect Halloween costume, I present to you:



Charlie Brown. Pair with a freakishly large head, some bermuda shorts, and a general look of misery.

And, because it wouldn't Halloween without it ...



Slutty Charlie Brown.

(The backstory can be that Charlie was always so unhappy because he never felt comfortable in his own skin, so when he was old enough, he got a sex change. Sadly, Charlene Brown couldn't escape her bad luck, so she wound up stripping and working street corners to make ends meet).

Mod Cloth The Perfect Hostess Cardigan - $59.99
Forever 21 Zig Zag Sequin Top - $19.80