Yodlee Why?

I do not own any American Eagle dresses. This is striking because I have been shopping there since the first store opened in LA eight years ago. However, I have not once bought a dress from them, as their dresses often suffer from a terrible case of Too-Small-For-My-Rack-itis.



That's not even close to the top of my list of issues I have with this dress.

Let's start with the fact that it gives the model what appears to be the gut of a middle-aged man. This isn't the shape of a young model. This is the shape of a Mike Judge character.



I'm also not a fan of the lederhosen pattern running down the front of the dress. You know what those stripes don't do? Make the model look slimmer. No, they only serve to emphasize that the drop waist isn't fitted properly.

That's the problem, really. The drop waist just isn't fitted right. Under proper circumstances, drop waists are a short-torsoed girl's best friend (I am one, and drop waists can be magical). However, in this case, the proportions are off in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Yes, I realize that it's kind of my job to comment on the proportions, but ... I can't figure it out. It just looks off. Maybe the skirt is too long, maybe the waistband is too thick. Maybe the model has a long torso to begin with, and the dress is not well-suited for her. I'm not sure. But it just looks off.

And finally, there's just not enough boob storage. As I said before, this is a common problem with American Eagle dresses. That holds true in this dress, but with a fun twist: it seems like there's actually a decent amount of coverage on the dress itself. However, because of the lederhosen stripes, the cup is visually cut in half. So even if I can fit my chests into the top, they're just going to warp the lederhosen. And nobody likes warped lederhosen.

AE Print Drop Waist Dress - $44.50

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

I avoid one-shoulder dresses because it's hard to properly arrange a bra under them. But it's not like I have a categorical problem with them, it's just a personal preference.

These dresses, however, I have a problem with.

The tricky part of asymmetry is that it's, well, asymmetrical. It requires balance. Having separate cups makes this even more difficult.



I'm pretty sure the model's breasts aren't naturally lopsided, so it's probably the result of this dress being very oddly constructed. The left breast not only looks higher, but significantly larger. The tiny cup on the right makes her right breast look sad and squished. She has a depressed right boob.



As for this dress, it looks like the right breast is arching a skeptical eyebrow. But boobs in badly designed dresses shouldn't throw stones, because seriously, I'm wondering what they were thinking nestling themselves into a dress that makes them look skeptical. Judge lest not ye be judged, skeptical boobs. You are found wanting. And lopsided.

So there.

Sherry Hill - One Shoulder Sequin Cocktail Dress - $470
La Femme Beaded One Shoulder Dress - $298