I'm Confused

I am not ashamed to admit it.



I do not understand this tank top. I'm completely lost. I've even googled the phrase "Life on the moon isn't easy," but nothing came up. What the hell does it mean?

I feel like I'm looking at a New Yorker cartoon. That's how confused I am.

Why do these women not have eyebrows or noses? Why are they talking about how hard it is to live on the moon? Do they live on the moon? Are they considering moving to the moon? What makes living on the moon hard? Is it the lack of atmosphere and weak gravitational pull? The absence of water? The fact that it's a three day commute to get to the nearest mall? Is there a high crime rate on the moon? Is the unemployment rate on the moon skyrocketing? Are you bored of the amusement park?

I'm not arguing that living on the moon isn't hard, but that's mostly because, as far as I'm aware, one cannot live on the moon. Since, apparently, these women are having a discussion about it, the situation must not be as cut and dry as I imagined.

I'd like a follow-up tank, one that gives this one a little more context. Maybe a response from the other girl along the lines of, "Yeah, ever since the moon's currency weakened, it's been almost impossible to find jobs." Or, "Well, sure, because space suits make my hips look fat." I'll take pretty much anything, as long as it's an answer.

Forever 21 Life On the Moon Tank - $12.80

Boop Who?

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.



Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

Bonjour Paris

Alright. Is it just me, or is this the creepiest smiley face ever?



It's the saddest, scariest smiley face I've seen in a long time. It looks like someone gouged out its eyes. This Paris happy face is the Oedipus of happy faces.

I know, I know. That's so like me, seeing Greek tragedies in everything. I was originally going to write more, but I can't actually keep staring at this damn thing. Its vacant, dead eyes keep staring at me, piercing my soul.

Forever 21 Cropped Bonjour Paris Tank - $14.90

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.



Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.



Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

Guilty As Charged

I know that my opinions are heavily influenced by my own opinions about my body.



Bearing that in mind, I did try to give this top a fair shot. After all, a non-fitted top like this would be one of the least flattering things possible for me. But, try as I might, the truth is, $73 for a sack with a cinched top is just way too expensive, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, there are girls who can probably make this look flirty and cute, but on me, it will look like I have ripped open the bottom of a flour sack and stuck my head through it. And that would look less like a "guilty pleasure," and more like "crazy lady in an expensive sack who stands near the freeway overpass."

ModCloth Guilty Pleasure Top - $72.99

Jabberwocky

So apparently, that lace panel is not called a bib, but a jabot.

Well, you know what would make this tank kind of awesome?



If the lace bib jabot were interchangeable, so when you spilled food on it or were bored you could switch it out.

Forever 21 Lace Ruffle Tank - $12

Ready to Feel Old?

No, seriously. Are you ready to feel really, really old?



This cover was shot in 1994.

The target demographic of Forever 21 does not remember a time when Courtney Love was a musician and not just a mess.

Hey, while you're here, check out my new blog, C-List Actors Save Us All!

Forever 21 Courtney Love Spin Tank - $16.90

Strapless No More

As a top-heavy girl (man, a lot of my posts revolve around my boobs), I rarely get to wear a strapless dress. Shoshanna is the only designer out there who is able to create enough scaffolding to keep my rack in check.

So, I do understand the difficulty of strapless dresses, and why one might create this hybrid creature:



I've been seeing these everywhere - this tank/strapless dress fusion. And while part of me kind of likes it, because they occasionally do look sort of funky, the fact that it's omnipresent sort of defeats the purpose. You're not, theoretically, trying to look like you're layering a tank and a strapless dress in a feat of sartorial ingenuity. Instead, you're buying a dress from Forever 21 with a tank built in. It's like how, five years ago, those sweaters with the sewn-in collars were popular. Only worse, because at least those sweater hybrids solved a real problem: layering a button-down and a sweater is tricky. But I don't get any sense of functionality with the tank/strapless hybrid.

And, in fact, I think this dress could almost border on cute if it just had its own tank straps. I hate the ruching around the bust - it always ends up looking like a cheap 80's prom dress, when paired with that heart neckline. But I love the multiple hems, especially with the metallic fabric. If you could keep them hem and create a tank or boatneck style top, this dress would end up in my closet, rather than on my blog.

Oh, Forever 21. When will you learn that chymera clothing only ends in tears?

Forever 21 Belted Contrast-Tiered Dress - $46

Magic Eye

Looking at these skirts and tops, I can't help but feel like Ethan Suplee's character from Mallrats. I just keep staring at them, but I can't see the damn sailboat.

I'm pretty sure that first skirt was used in the poster for The Mothman Prophecies.

Man, the ways in which these patterns would be unflattering ... I can't even begin to explain. But yeah, there is no way that any of these would work on me. And, frankly, I wouldn't want to. If a guy is going to unblinkingly be staring at me in a mall, I don't want it to be because he's trying to see a hidden image on my dress. I want it to be because either a) I'm smoking hot, or b) I've just insulted him so deftly that he doesn't even know what's happened.

Topshop X-Ray Print Bodycon Skirt - $50

Topshop Cosmic Ruch Waist Skirt - $50

Topshop Cosmic Bodycon Vest - $50

Topshop Premium Spirograph Tunic Vest - $55

J. Crew Likes It Ruff

We all know the 1980s have been back for a while. But shoulder pads and leggings are so passe.

Luckily, J. Crew is bringing back the 80s in their own way: the 1580s.

versus

I don't actually dislike this top. It's very pretty - on the model. But, because it's all about me (hence the title), yeah, this isn't going to work.

First of all, because while the ruffled neck styles look very nice on the pretty ladies, on me it will look like the pirate shirt from Seinfeld and an Elizabethan ruff had a chunky, shapeless love-child. Not because I'm chunky and shapeless; it's just that it will be wildly unflattering in the way that shirts like this are.

And I feel like the model knows this. It kind of looks like she's smirking, just slightly, in that taunting way, as if to say, "It looks awesome on me, doesn't it? It kind of makes you want to try it, right? Seeing it on me, you think you might be able to pull it off. Go for it. Give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?"

But she knows. She knows that the worst that can happen is I try it on in the shockingly ill-lit dressing rooms*, hate how it looks, and then somehow manage to get stuck in the shirt while trying to get it off of me, leading to my having to jump up and down awkwardly while wiggling out of it, and when that fails, finally asking a sales associate for help. And then I'll feel obligated to buy something, because it will be one of the rare times that I can actually answer "yes" when they ask,"Did someone help you with this today." So I'll either go really cheap and buy a $12 hair clip, or I'll end up buying these shoes that I love but cannot afford.

Do you see the chaos you have wrought, J. Crew? Do you?

*And, seriously, why are your dressing rooms so badly lit? Neon makes me not want to buy your clothes. It makes me want to stand really close to the mirror and look at my pores.

J. Crew Francis Ruffled Tuxedo Shirt - $89.50
J. Crew Herringbone Francis Cami - $88
J. Crew Silk Frances Tank - $88