Stop Hammertime.

Look, I get that Topshop is supposed to feature cutting-edge fashion. I get it.

That does not make reintroducing Hammerpants acceptable.



They call these "Dancefloor Trousers," but let's be honest: if you wear these on the dancefloor, odds are you're either a super dope homeboy from the Oak town, or you lost a bet.



And if you don't feel like going full-Hammer, you can go halfway and wear these totally flattering low-crotch knickers. You don't need a purse when you have a crotch this low. You can just drop your cell phone in the elastic waist and go knowing that the elasticized leg openings will keep anything important from slipping out.



I'm all for sequins - how can you not be, they're so shiny! You can just stare at them and forget everything around you because SHINY. SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY - what? Sorry. Right. Hammerpants.

But you don't need this many sequins. And I can only imagine that the inside thigh sequins will wear thing very quickly and either bend or get skewed and just in general make the pants look like they're molting. They already kind of look like they're molting. And pants shouldn't molt.



These make you look like you have elephant crotch. As in, the crotch of an elephant. I don't know why that's where my mind goes, but that's what it looks like. Elephant crotch. And that's not a good thing.

In sum: please don't make me continue to go over all the ways in which these are not flattering. Let's just accept that, much like Jordan made Perry throw out his hammerpants on Scrubs, so too should we as a consumerist body throw out all hammerpants. Please. I'm begging you.

Topshop Dancefloor Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Snakeskin Print Hareems - $50
Topshop Sequin Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Hareem Tie Waist Trousers - $60

Those Four Little Words

In the scheme of words that don't need to be included in the same description, I'd put "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts" are at the top of the list.

And yet?



Arden B. has bravely defied conventional wisdom and created a pair of shorts that combine all the greatest aspects of each of those words. Yes, these shorts truly embody everything that one may expect from the words "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts." So for that, I applaud them, and so should you.

Thank you, Arden B, for taking a stand and creating a pair of shorts that would otherwise only have been seen on hookers in a Pretty Woman remake. Thank you.

Arden B. Patent Leather Reptile Shorts - $48