WTF KFC

I can think of only one situation in which this present would be an appropriate gift.



If you know a man who is related to, or a fan of, Colonel Sanders.

Of course, that's a very, very small niche, so I guess the makers of this tie expect other people to buy it. Which is absurd, because seriously, when is this an appropriate accessory? When has anyone, other than the Colonel, ever looked at their shirt and thought, "What I'm missing is a Western Tie"? Even the model looks unhappy to be wearing it, and he's getting paid.

Timo Western Tie in Black & White Polka Dots - $60

Et Tu, Black Halo?

Friends, Romans, Readership, lend me your ears.



I come to mock clothing, not to praise it;
The ugly that designers do go to the sales rack,
the good is oft sold out before I can buy it.

So let it be with this top.

Black Halo One Shoulder Jane Top - $105

Bow Out

When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "Hm. That's a weird dress." Then I realized, to my horror, that no - the giant floppy bow isn't part of the dress at all.



It's an accessory that you can buy separately, then choose to pair with what would otherwise be a perfectly lovely outfit. The giant bow would drive me nuts because I'd feel it under my chin, or my hair would get caught on it all the time.



Why would you throw a heavy black bow onto this? It looks like a cute, light dress. That black bow is the sartorial equivalent of a giant anchor. How come women's magazines always advise you not to wear heels with an ankle strap, but they never warn you about wearing giant black bows with white lacy dresses? Oh, right, because it goes without saying.

But what really kills me is that they could have given the model a perfect Blair Waldorf look by accessorizing with this silver bow pendant, rather than an actual giant bow.



Right? All it's missing is a headband, brightly colored tights, and an awesome eastern European housekeeper/sidekick.

Timo Bowtie Bib in Copper Brown Satin - $65
Timo Bowtie Bib in Black Satin - $71
In God We Trust Cutout Bow - $101

A Top With a View

I don't have any tattoos, but I would venture to guess that the most difficult thing about having a tramp stamp is finding new and exciting ways to display it. After a while, wearing low-rise jeans with a short t-shirt must get kind of boring.



With this top, you can show off that circle of leaping dolphins, framing it like the work of art that it is.



Unless you've decided to have one of the ten commandments tattooed across your lower back. In that case, you might want to keep it as covered as possible and hope it flies under God's radar, because I can't imagine he'd be thrilled with that development.

Wait, I take that back. If you've got a tramp stamp that says "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass," display it proudly. At least it's a little more contextually appropriate than a warning against false idols.

Left Coast Draped Keyhole Back Tee - $44

The Plaid Hatter

I love how deadpan the model looks in this picture.



I imagine that they didn't warn her beforehand what she would be modelling in this shoot. She got all made up, they checked the lights, and then wardrobe ran out at the last minute and put the hat on her head.

"Seriously?" she said. "I have to wear this? It's a plaid baseball hat. This is ridiculous. No one is going to buy this. Yes, I know I'm getting paid to wear it. Whatever, fine. Just take the damn picture."

RVCA Ranger Plaid Hat - $19