Short Knit Leggings

You know how, for the last few months, I've posted a few times about the 90s resurgence? And in a few of those posts, I mentioned that I wore a lot of bike shorts back when I was a kid.



Man, I am so glad that no one's bringing back bike shorts.

Wait a minute ....

Those short knit leggings look a lot like bike shorts.



In fact, if I saw someone wearing these on the street, I would probably exclaim "Whoa, look at those bike shorts!" Then she would have to respond with, "No, these are short knit leggings," and I'd feel terribly rude, and would then apologize for insulting her.

Unless ....

They actually are bike shorts, and Forever 21 is just trying to make us think they're innocuous by calling them "short leggings." Because "short leggings" sound much more sophisticated than "bike shorts."

I will say, their styling efforts just confirm that 90's Amanda was way ahead of her time, because I also wore bike shorts with a t-shirt and studded cowboy boots. Man, I was so cool.

Forever 21 Short Knit Legging - $4.90

AnthropomorphShorts

Okay. I need to know if it's just me.



Does anyone else see a face here? I feel like these shorts would fit right in with the rest of these inanimate, sad-looking objects.



Alternately, I guess you could think of it like a polo shirt for your hips. Because, admit it. You know your hips have been dying to try a popped collar.

ModCloth Brand New Waist Shorts - $89.99

Shorts in Disguise

I was surfing Forever 21, as I do every day, for clothes to buy and clothes to post. At all times, there are two separate browser windows open, so I can keep them separated. These were originally in the "buy" browser.



And then I realized they were shorts, rather than a pleated skirt.

Shorts are tricky to navigate. For some reason, they're way more difficult than skirts. Finding the right length can be a Herculean task. I can't imagine that pleated, voluminous shorts will be a flattering look.



How convenient. I don't have to imagine it. These are resting on the threshold of unflattering on this model. They're threatening to tip into the precipice of average ass.

So much skirt potential wasted. And for what? Shorts that look like a skirt, but will probably just make your legs look weird.

What a world.

Forever 21 Floral Guise Woven Shorts - $17.80

Regarding Sequins and Sparkly Things

I like sequins. I don't wear enough sequins, mostly because I get really OC about their falling off, and the ensuing gap in sparkliness. But I really, really like them, and wish I could wear them more often, especially in sparkly dress form.

There have been many great developments in the study and proliferation of Sequins and Sparkles. It was pioneered by great women such as Tina Turner and Cher. More recently, Taylor Swift, who I kind of want to be when I grow up, has made huge strides in the field.

I can only say, however, that these pants and shorts represent a huge step backwards in the Advancement of Sequins and Sparkles.



Sequins are festive. They're shiny. They're sparkly. They make you want to twirl around like you're six years old and wearing your favorite party dress. I am very, very pro-sequins.

And it's not that I don't believe sequins can be worn casually. They can. I myself own a ribbed tank top with sequins on it. It is decidely casual, and I enjoy it greatly. While sequins are best suited for party dresses, they're definitely not exclusive to them.

However.

If you decide that you're feeling kind of tired, or you're a little puffy one day, you know what you're not going to pull on? Your favorite pair of $350 sequined sweat pants. And that's what those are. Those are sequined sweat pants. They're baggy, they have an elasticized waist band, and the stylist didn't even bother to hem them.

These are sequined sweat pants. Trying to market them as formal wear is an affront to the field of Sequins and Sparkles, and to all those who have worked hard to advance the cause of Sequins and Sparkles. It is also an insult to the beloved staple of "Ugh, I don't want to put on real pants to go to class," the sweat pant. What, sweat pants aren't good enough for you, ShopBop? You have to go and try to make them classy and formal? That's like trying to make fancy spray cheese: accept it for what it is, and love it.



As for these, the price tag is decidely more reasonable, but that doesn't excuse the fact that this burgeoning trend is, as far as I'm concerned, unacceptable. These shorts appear to be sequined track shorts. Is there a demand for sequined track shorts that I'm not aware of? Because I'm pretty sure the answer to that is, "No."

I've said it many times, and I will say it again: I love sequins. That doesn't mean, however, that I believe you can just put them anywhere. There is a time and a place for sequins, and it does not involve drawstrings.

Honestly, I can't believe I even had to say that. What kind of ignorance has befallen this world?

Sachin + Babi Anzia Sequin Pants - $350
Forever 21 Sequin Drawstring Short - $15.80

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

Just One Question

No, really. I have just one question:



Why do these exist?

No, really. Why does this abomination exist? These are high-rise shorts. High-rise satin shorts. I cannot think of any case in which these would ever be flattering. Ever, ever, ever. And that's not even dealing with the lace-up fronts, which I guess serves to - you know, I can't even begin to guess what the purpose of the lace-up front is.



Here's the back. With an elastic panel. Naturally. Because when you're wearing high-waist shorts, you're going to want everyone to see the massive elastic panel on your back. It so delightfully compliments the mom-jeans flat butt that a high rise will inevitably give you.

So, again, I ask: Why do these exist?

Forever 21 Satin Lace Up Short - $17.80

I'm Not Afraid To Say It

I unabashedly love these.



I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know they're impractical, will be wildly unflattering on almost everyone, and will wear terribly. I know. They're awful.

But oh my god, I love them.

Topshop Pink Sequin Hotpants - $50

Waist Not, Want Not

I love it when bad puns make for such succinct titles.



Hey, you know what these are? $75 polyester high waist shorts. I'm guessing the inseam is about 3 inches long; that leaves a whole 15.75 inches of high waist. This would leave the high waist resting somewhere along my bra line, as though I'm starring as Urkelle in a CW "reimagining" of Family Matters.

Seriously - you know that if it were on the CW, even Urkelle's wardrobe would be ridiculously expensive and vaguely on-trend. Also, someone would probably end up dead by the first episode, there would be a mysterious new boy in school, and everyone would look like they're 27 - both kids and parents.

Don't lie. You know you'd watch that show.

ModCloth My Way or the High Waist Shorts - $74.99

Those Four Little Words

In the scheme of words that don't need to be included in the same description, I'd put "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts" are at the top of the list.

And yet?



Arden B. has bravely defied conventional wisdom and created a pair of shorts that combine all the greatest aspects of each of those words. Yes, these shorts truly embody everything that one may expect from the words "patent," "leather," "reptile," and "shorts." So for that, I applaud them, and so should you.

Thank you, Arden B, for taking a stand and creating a pair of shorts that would otherwise only have been seen on hookers in a Pretty Woman remake. Thank you.

Arden B. Patent Leather Reptile Shorts - $48