Ruff Contrast

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.



It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?



In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

Wolf Like Me

Apparently, this is a top. It is not, as I erroneously thought, the shredded corpse of a top.



My best guess is that Forever 21 is trying to draw in teenagers by subtly reminding them of werewolves, and subsequently, the Twilight series. Although, that's a pretty big gamble, because you run the risk of alienating all the girls who aren't on Team Jacob.

Personally, I'm on Team Phillip, but that's because I like my men with a healthy fear of fire, and green's totally my color.



Forever 21 lash Beaded Knit Top - $29.80

A Unique Asymmetry

It's important to remember that the word "unique" isn't always a good thing.



Like, when Forever 21 describes this top as being "a unique stretch tunic," they might intend for that to be a positive, but it's safe to say that "unique" doesn't mean "flattering" or "appealing."

This top is what happens when you fail your Home Ec class, but you don't want to get a failing grade, so instead you try to explain that it's fashionable. Or, "unique." It apparently has two 3/4 length sleeves, but you can only see one because of the fabric draped over the left side. Don't stare too long, though, because the fabric will make you go cross-eyed.

I don't want to say this tunic would have been fine if it were in a different fabric, but it would be less likely to induce motion-sickness if it were in a solid fabric, rather than what appears to be "bar code."

I also like that it comes off of a big flowy top with diagonal stripes and then tightens up around the hips with horizontal stripes, for maximum unflattering proportions. I especially like the dark chunk below the thighs, as if to highlight how ugly and ill-fitting the whole thing is. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure that out otherwise, but thanks, Forever 21, for putting in that extra effort.

Forever 21 Dazed Asymmetric Tunic - $17.80

Unforgettable in Every Way

The site description suggests that you “be unforgettable” in this sweater. Which, yes, unforgettable is a pretty accurate descriptor.



Because if you wore this, and someone were asked to describe you later, they probably wouldn’t be able to remember what you looked like, but they’d sure as hell remember the giant ruffle running down the middle of your shirt, topped with a big bow. It’s like a little fabric spine on your chest.

It’s too bad, really. The banding with the red and white is kind of cute. If you took the extra fabric off, you would be left with a pretty cute tunic sweater. It might have been a little more forgettable than this number, but it’d be far more wearable.

Forever 21 Color Block Sweater - $26

Fur Sure.

I have so many responses to this shirt, I'm just going to list them:



1. If it weren't, it wouldn't be called "fur," it'd be called "a pet."

2. Really, you paid $28 for this shirt?

3. No, seriously. Couldn't you have saved a mink for $28?

4. Has anybody ever been swayed by a t-shirt? Is there someone out there who has kicked the heroin habit after seeing a "Hugs Not Drugs" t-shirt?

5. What's the thought process when you're getting dressed in the morning? "Hm, I have to run errands today ... do I wear my tunic and skinny jeans, or do I start a social movement?"

6. The best they could do for the design was something you can make a Neighborhoodies?

7. I want a shirt that says "Meat is Delicious," just to be contrary.

Modcloth Fur Is Dead Tee - $27.99

Magic Eye

Looking at these skirts and tops, I can't help but feel like Ethan Suplee's character from Mallrats. I just keep staring at them, but I can't see the damn sailboat.

I'm pretty sure that first skirt was used in the poster for The Mothman Prophecies.

Man, the ways in which these patterns would be unflattering ... I can't even begin to explain. But yeah, there is no way that any of these would work on me. And, frankly, I wouldn't want to. If a guy is going to unblinkingly be staring at me in a mall, I don't want it to be because he's trying to see a hidden image on my dress. I want it to be because either a) I'm smoking hot, or b) I've just insulted him so deftly that he doesn't even know what's happened.

Topshop X-Ray Print Bodycon Skirt - $50

Topshop Cosmic Ruch Waist Skirt - $50

Topshop Cosmic Bodycon Vest - $50

Topshop Premium Spirograph Tunic Vest - $55

The Forest for the Trees

I don't really know what to say about this top, but I feel like it needs to be posted.



Sassy model seems to really be enjoying this top. I can't even criticize it, really, because she just seems to love wearing it so much. I don't know what occasion one would wear this to - from her accessories and shiny leggings, I'm guessing some sort of eco-clubbing thing? I don't know. I just keep staring at the top, repeating basic observable facts about it to myself, like: "It's blue. It has one sleeve. There are trees on it. It has satin banding." Beyond that, I can't figure out what to say about it, because it's so literal.

This isn't a pattern of small trees all over the thing. It's not an abstract tree winding its way up her torso. This is, very simply, a picture of trees on a shirt with one sleeve. It is remarkably literal.

I don't know why this exists. I don't know who wears it. But if you know someone who does, or who would, please tell me. I have so many questions for them.

Bebe Enchanted Forest Tunic - $89

Tunic, Tunic

Ever have one of those days where you want to steal from the rich and give to the poor, but you can't find a thing to wear?



Forever 21 has you covered. Note the utilitarian front pockets for gold storage.

Lace UP Drawstring Tunic