Tweed Bow Skirt

Upon first, second, and third viewing of this skirt, I had nothing negative to say about it, except, "It's not in my closet yet."



There is so much to love about it.
- It's hot pink.
- It has a reasonably sized, well-structured bow.
- It looks like something Emma Pillsbury would wear, except it's a miniskirt, so I'd actually be able to pull it off.

As I looked at this skirt, debating over whether or not I could excuse buying yet another mini, the only thing I could think was, "I can't believe Forever 21 made a skirt that could pass for J.Crew."

And then I saw the back.



You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Forever 21? You saw a perfectly good skirt, and you thought, "Hm, how can we totally ruin the aesthetic? I know. A giant zipper running down the back."

Is it of vital importance that there is a full-length exposed zipper? Has the skirt been known to spontaneously ignite, so it's important to provide the wearer with a quick escape?

If you had sprung for the side zipper, or even a small back zipper, I would have paid the extra $5. You charge a lot more for your Twelve by Twelve line, and that stuff doesn't look nearly as good.

Less can be more, Forever 21. Really. An article of clothing doesn't need to incorporate three trends. One trend is just fine. You don't even have to show restraint with all your clothes. But, if you had just shown some with this skirt -

No. I'm sorry. I can't talk about this any more. It's too upsetting.

Forever 21 Tweed Bow Skirt - $19.80

Parachute Skirt

One zipper is functional. Two zippers, both of which open from either direction, do not appear to have much of a purpose. I guess because it's like you're getting four zippers for the price of two?



You know what goes with two multi-directional zippers? Slippery lining-style fabric, as is featured on this dress.



Basically, you're looking at stiff, ugly fabric that is apparently slippery, with multiple zippers. Sounds appealing and totally useful.

Forever 21 Waist Zip Skirt - $28

It Came From the Clothing Chain!

Apparently the sassy model from the one-sleeved mesh dress has figured out that you can't sell an unfortunate dress, no matter how hard you emote.



Instead, she tilts her head slightly, as if to acknowledge that yes, this dress may very well have been formal wear for an alien in the original Star Trek. The "leatherette" bands are fairly extraneous with our gravitational field, but maybe on a foreign planet they help to keep random alien parts from slipping out.



Oh god - she's not showing a degree of deference with her head tilt. She's powering down.

As is evidenced by the exposed spine, this model is clearly a cyborg.

Bebe Sexy Stretch Twill Cutout Dress - $129

Safety First

Fasten your seatbelt - it's going to be an unflattering skirt.

Just running down the list of issues with this skirt:

1. It cuts your legs into sections, making them look shorter.

2. Each section is sewn onto the prior one, so none of the panels lie flat.

3. The exposed zipper cuts your body in half, amplifying the widening effect of the horizontal panels.

4. It's a polyester, rayon and spandex blend.

5. My middle school backpack has that same buckle.

Forever 21 Exposed Zip Front Colorblocked Skirt