Junk in the Trunks

Ah, spring. The flowers bloom, the temperatures rise, and, if you work at American Apparel, your boss starts growing his summer mutton chops.



What's wrong, Random American Apparel model Who Is Also Probably A Personal Assistant Or Something, Because That's How They Roll Over In Creepyville? Why so glum? I mean, yeah, those are really shiny and plastic-looking. So I do understand being less than thrilled with that.

And I'm not really sure the circumstances under which you'd wear them. Yes, they're for swimming, but they're awfully high-rise for swimming shorts. Actually, they look like they'd be kind of uncomfortable.

Well, let's see them from the back to be sure.



To all you observant readers who have noticed that something is off about this picture, yes, you are correct. These are, as far as I can tell, not the model's legs. Because these swim trunks are unisex.

Of course they are. It's American Apparel. Why wouldn't these be unisex? Then again, I'm pretty sure all garbage bags are unisex, even the fancy tri-colored ones.

You can all blame Reader Ronnie for this one.

American Apparel Unisex Tri-Color Swim Trunk - $36

WTF KFC

I can think of only one situation in which this present would be an appropriate gift.



If you know a man who is related to, or a fan of, Colonel Sanders.

Of course, that's a very, very small niche, so I guess the makers of this tie expect other people to buy it. Which is absurd, because seriously, when is this an appropriate accessory? When has anyone, other than the Colonel, ever looked at their shirt and thought, "What I'm missing is a Western Tie"? Even the model looks unhappy to be wearing it, and he's getting paid.

Timo Western Tie in Black & White Polka Dots - $60

A Public Service Announcement

I hadn't planned on doing two posts in one day, but it's very important that this is said as soon as poosible:

Ed Hardy must be destroyed. Christian Audigier must be stopped.

I realize that railing against Ed Hardy is beating a dead horse. But it has to be said, because people do not seem to get this:

Guys. If you wear Ed Hardy, you will look like a douchebag.

You might not be a douchebag. You may just be misguided. But regardless, you will look like a class A douchebag. You will look like that guy with all the kids.



The guy with the litter and the hot pink sweats is old news. I get that. But he is symbolic of all that is wrong with the Ed Hardy line. Because, before the manchild, I could ignore Ed Hardy. I could pretend it didn't exist. I could stare disdainfully at the douchebags, then move on.

Then Captain Abandons-His-Young started showing up on the covers of all the tabloids. Those stupid tiger pockets were staring at me while I waited in the checkout line. But even still, I could try to ignore it.

I can't ignore it any more. Because now, it's invaded the wine aisle.

That's right.



It makes wines now. And it will not be stopped at any cost, unless we all band together to keep douchebags everywhere from continuing to buy Ed Hardy.



Do we, as a society, need to see more shirts like this? His clothes are horrible. They are awful. They are a boil on the ass of humanity. Why is this bulldog a rapper? What is the point? Because just having a bulldog on the front of the shirt wasn't douchey enough, that's why. To be appropriately douchey, the bulldog has to be a rapper. Obviously.



These jeans are $198. Someone is willing to pay $198 for the same patches you could have found on the backpack of every punk kid I went to middle school with. But someone will buy these, and he will wear them, and odds are he will not hug any of his 15 children because he doesn't want finger paints getting on his pre-distressed jeans.

Please. I beg of you. Do not let this continue. If you have a douchebag in your life who is planning to buy more Ed Hardy, stop him at all costs.

The fate of humanity rests upon you.

And no, I will not be linking to the clothes listed. It's for the good of everyone.