Forseen Fashions

As a result of writing this blog, I now have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of ugly fashions. After 300+ posts, I remember pretty much everything I've written about. Which is sad, given how much brain space is now devoted to remembering Forever 21's variations on unflattering dresses.

So when I came across these two dresses on ShopBop, they felt more than a little familiar



No, really familiar.

I feel a little bad for making fun of the Forever 21 dress - I thought this was just some random top they'd designed, but apparently they were just a season ahead of the curve. Their ripped dress even has studded embellishments, which actually makes it well worth it's price tag of $29.80.

The cat dresses, on the other hand ... I didn't get it when ModCloth was selling this maxi, and I don't get it now. Giant cat faces, people. On your torso. Even bedazzled, that doesn't make it better. It just makes it reflective and therefore safe for jogging at night.

Which is great, because the only time you should be wearing the a cat dress is at night. If no one sees it, great - they've been spared the mind-boggling confusion of why these dresses exist. If someone does see it, I feel like the "cat face emerging from torso" effect will be amplified by the low light.

Torn by Ronny Kobo Jenny Crystal Cat Tank Dress - $132
Cheap Monday Snake Cutout Tank Dress - $45

A Message to the Pandas

Yes, I have a tendency to read too much into graphic tees. It's part of that whole "overanalyzing" thing that I do.



Look, Panda, I'm not going to argue with you about the cute thing. You're a panda. You're freaking adorable. You are giant balls of cuddle.



I'm not allowed near the San Diego Zoo any more because I once tried to hop the fence at the panda enclosure because I wanted to take a nap and use your stomachs as pillows.

Smarter, though? Yeah, that's up for debate. You subsist on a diet of bamboo, which is so low in nutrients that you have to eat 30 pounds of it a day, a tenth of your weight. This is in spite of the fact that you have big, sharp carnivore teeth and a happy carnivore digestive tract, all designed to allow you to eat tiny creatures full of nutrients.

Oh, and also, you don't know how to mate, so zookeepers have to show you panda porn, in what must be the most awkward birds and bees moment this side of my dad singing a song about sperm and eggs to my brother.

So yes, Panda. You may be cuter than I am, but smarter? Well, given the fact that I'm not currently in a zoo because I'm actually incapable of surviving in the wild, I'd say that match point is mine.

Forever 21 Cuter and Smarter Tee - $9.80

Eye Spy

In the past, I have claimed that a particularly busy pattern on a skirt or top reminds me of a Magic Eye picture.



I think that this dress actually is meant to be one.

Can you see it?

Frederick's Of Hollywood Drape Front Sublimation Dress - $49

Where's Mothra?

This is a perfectly nice dress. If I saw it on someone at a party, I would probably admire it, maybe even ask where she got it.




But if I saw the back out of the corner of my eye, it would startle the crap out of me.



ABS by Allen Schwartz Tee Dress with Butterfly Back - $185 $148

The Horse Might Not Agree

I've commented before on ModCloth's naming choices.

These are the "Great Gelding Galoshes." And while I can't check the horses to say for sure that the name is, in fact, accurate - well, it's close enough. And it is alliterative.

So, from now on, I'm totally going to start exclaiming "Great Geldings!" in daily conversation. I suggest you join me. It's going to be the new thing.

It may not be hilarious at first, but imagine it in the voice of Christopher Lloyd.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

ModCloth Great Gelding Galoshes - $34.99

Fuzzy Memory

Okay. I don't know why, but whenever I look at this dress, all I can think is "Ewok."



I don't know if it's the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It's obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:



Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress - $250

Fight or Flight

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.



Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."



I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.



I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

A Correction

Last week, I posted an indignant rant about the differences between an herbivore and a vegetarian, and why dinosaurs are not vegetarians. I also said that, had they made a matching shirt with "Carnivore" written on it, I would not have objected to the shirt.



That being the case, it seems the "Vegetarian" t-shirt previously written about is not a dinosaur-themed article of propaganda, but instead, it's just inaccurate. I stand corrected.

And, true to my word, I bought the carnivore t-shirt. Because come on - dinosaurs are awesome.

Forever 21 T-Rex Carnivore Tee - $14.90

Sea Sluggish

Forever 21 really likes to add unnecessary fabric to their clothes in an attempt at making it look classy and like it's not totally disposable. On rare occasions, it works. But, more often than not, it goes horribly awry.



Take this shirt, for example. My first thought upon seeing the shoulder puffs wasn't "Oh, cute embellishment." No, it was "Whoa, that looks like two sea slugs facing off to penis fence."



Wow. I finally found a way to work penis fencing into this blog. My work here is done.

Forever 21 Blossom Shoulder Tee - $26

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.



Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.



Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

EEEEEEEEEE!

I, like many people, have a soft spot for things that are cute. I can't resist going into a pet shop and watching puppies chew on things (although, yes, I realize pet shops are evil). I once stood in the rodent hut at the Bronx Zoo for 20 minutes with my finger against the glass of a European field mouse exhibit, because the tiny European field mice kept standing on their hind legs and licking the glass where my finger was. I then went home and changed a Wikipedia article on field mice to include the fact that European field mice "administer tiny mouse kisses."



With that in mind, buy these shirts at your own risk. There is a very good chance that, if I happen to see you wearing one, I will run up and hug you.



Especially if you're wearing this one. If you're wearing this, I will probably squeeze you while saying "Squish," because one of my greatest desires in life is to squish a baby penguin.

Consider yourself warned.

Delia*s Polar Bear Baby Tee - $24.50
Delia*s Penguin Baby Tee - $24.50

And Now They're Dead.

Dinosaurs are awesome. Who doesn't love dinosaurs? Even Creationists are now incorporating them into their theories, and those guys hate everything! You can't not love a dinosaur. It's impossible to be apathetic about an Apatosaurus.



I do not, however, like this t-shirt. Why? Well, first of all, it feels like the makers of the shirt are using a dinosaur as a celebrity endorsement. Since you can't help but love a dinosaur, the t-shirt seems to be aligning the awesomeness of dinosaurs with vegetarianism - essentially, "Sauropods were vegetarians, and so am I!"

But being a vegetarian is a choice. Being an herbivore is not. There is a big difference. A vegetarian chooses not to eat meat for ethical reasons. An herbivore does not eat meat because their teeth and stomach are not designed for it. And, in fact, they do eat the bugs that are on the leaves they're eating, so even if you remove the aspect of choice from vegetarianism, they're still not vegetarians.

A label of "herbivore" on the t-shirt would not have earned this shirt a place on the site. In fact, I would probably have bought it and worn it proudly (bonus points if there were a matching "carnivore" one).

I will not let dinosaurs be used for propaganda. I didn't stand for it back when Eisenhower adopted the slogan "Velociraptors Like Ike!" and I won't stand for it now.



This shirt, however, is a poignant statement about our collective memory. How quickly do we forget about a tragic event that occurred only 65 million years ago.

Forever 21 Dino Vegetarian Tee - $14.90
Busted Tees Never Forget Tee - $22

Don't Be Tardy for the Leopardy*

I will admit, the bulk of my exposure to the "Real Housewives" empire is through The Soup. I have seen the "prostitution whore" clip at least thirty times. So, I'm not an expert on the Real Housewives, but I at least have an associates degree in the subject.



That being said, I'm pretty sure this is what the Real Housewives of New Jersey would thrown on so that their bubbies don't get cold after spin class (which they completed wearing stilettos).

*Yes, I know that's from Real Housewives of Atlanta, but the title amuses me. Stop judging me.

Forever 21 Leopard Zipper Cardigan - $19.80

On the Street

Sent to me by Intrepid Field Reporter Ava:



Look, I don't know what the deal is here. I don't know who this woman is, where she's going, or where she bought this hat.

All I know is, it looks like a male polar bear is sitting on her head.

Kung Fu Pandas

Okay, am I missing something?



No, seriously. I do not get this t-shirt, to the point where I'm wondering if it's just absurdist and intentionally devoid of meaning.

This is a shirt with two pandas dressed in karate uniforms. One is holding nunchucks. The saying on the shirt reads "Oh no you didn't."

What is happening here? Did one panda anger the other panda? Are they mad over the deforestation and human encroachment on their habitats? Did they find Kung Fu Panda to be an offensive stereotype?

Why are these pandas so upset? Is it at each other, or an unseen foe? Is the intent of the shirt that the wearer is saying, "Oh no you didn't"? If that's the case, and this is a shirt from the wearer's perspective, should the viewer then stand to reason that the wearer is threatening them with ninja pandas?

Yeah, I'm guessing that's what the meaning behind this shirt is - don't piss me off, or I'll send my ninja pandas to attack you.

Forever21 No You Didn't Tee - $10.90

Terror in the Skies!

I'm a nerd. I'm a huge, giant nerd. My other blog is about disaster movies. So, that should have been your first hint right there that I am a rock collecting, Bill Nye loving science geek.

Therefore, it is without shame that I post these sweaters and admit that yes, I would absolutely wear them if they were handed to me.

No, really. Come on, it has teradactyls on it! How cool is that? I'd argue that this is well worth the nearly $270 price tag, if for no other reasons than, well, DINOSAURS.

I wouldn't wear this dress with sequined leggings, but I would work very hard to create an outfit around this sweater dress. It's a little devastating to me that it's sold out, because that means I'm going to see women wearing this sweater dress, and I'm not one of them.

I like the solo teradactyl on this - it's a surprisingly simple cardigan, when you consider that it has a giant dinosaur on the back. Normally, if it's Betsey Johnson, I would expect to see lace hems and polka dots and half of Andie's prom dress from Pretty In Pink. But no, it's a very simple cardigan with a teradactyl on it.

I wouldn't wear this sweater, only because I have a very short torso and therefore cropped sweaters do me no favors. If it weren't $230, I'd consider buying it just so I can own an article of clothing that has a dinosaur on it.

Betsey Johnson gets some major points for designing a sweater and a dress with teradactyls on it - and, beyond that, for letting it stand on its own, as a simple statement of awesomeness. That takes bravery, Ms. Johnson, and it has paid off handsomely.

Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Sweater Dress - $268
Betsey Johnson Teradactyl Jacquard Cropped Cardigan - $228

Oh, Betsey. No.

Look, I get that Betsey's thing is bright and quirky and eclectic and whatever, fine, if it makes her happy, I'm happy.

I also get that sometimes, you find a really great deal on a fabric, so you buy a lot of it, then have to think of ways to use it.



However.

Sometimes, when you see a fabric on sale for a really great price, you have to stop and wonder why it's such a bargain.



For example, is it multi-colored neon snake print? Because - and this is just a shot in the dark - that might be why you're getting a good price on it, and why they still have so much in stock, despite the low cost.



Normally, I'd make some comment about how the boob tier looks angry. However, given that it's cut from this fabric, I'm more inclined to think that it's actually just remarkably unhappy and embarrassed, but the boob tier has that look that some people have, where they're scowling even when they're not mad. So, rather than telling the boob tier to buck up, I kind of sympathize.



And, for those days when you just don't feel like going formal with your neon snake print, here's a simple skirt that you can wear to your next Poison concert.

Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Tiered Dress - $208.60 (was $298)
Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Blouson Dress - $164 (was $328)
Betsey Johnson Snake Printed Silk Chiffon Skirt - $218

Glamazonian Princess

Sometimes, words suddenly appear in the language and become almost ubiquitous.



"Glamazon" is one of those words.



Observe the Glamazon Heels and the Glamazon Dress. Now, from what I can tell, their relation to being Amazonian is that they're animal print, and animals are in the Amazon, right?

As for the "glamor" part of "Glamazon," well, the Girls Next Door are kind of glamorous, right? They go to parties and stuff. That's kind of glamorous.

So yeah. These shoes and the dress totally warrant being dubbed "Glamazon." I take it all back, lest Giselle, Glamazonian Princess, come after me in her invisible private airplane and harness me with her fabulous lasso of truth.

Guess Glamazon Dress - $98
Modcloth The Glamazon Heels - $42.99

Stop Hammertime.

Look, I get that Topshop is supposed to feature cutting-edge fashion. I get it.

That does not make reintroducing Hammerpants acceptable.



They call these "Dancefloor Trousers," but let's be honest: if you wear these on the dancefloor, odds are you're either a super dope homeboy from the Oak town, or you lost a bet.



And if you don't feel like going full-Hammer, you can go halfway and wear these totally flattering low-crotch knickers. You don't need a purse when you have a crotch this low. You can just drop your cell phone in the elastic waist and go knowing that the elasticized leg openings will keep anything important from slipping out.



I'm all for sequins - how can you not be, they're so shiny! You can just stare at them and forget everything around you because SHINY. SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY - what? Sorry. Right. Hammerpants.

But you don't need this many sequins. And I can only imagine that the inside thigh sequins will wear thing very quickly and either bend or get skewed and just in general make the pants look like they're molting. They already kind of look like they're molting. And pants shouldn't molt.



These make you look like you have elephant crotch. As in, the crotch of an elephant. I don't know why that's where my mind goes, but that's what it looks like. Elephant crotch. And that's not a good thing.

In sum: please don't make me continue to go over all the ways in which these are not flattering. Let's just accept that, much like Jordan made Perry throw out his hammerpants on Scrubs, so too should we as a consumerist body throw out all hammerpants. Please. I'm begging you.

Topshop Dancefloor Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Snakeskin Print Hareems - $50
Topshop Sequin Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Hareem Tie Waist Trousers - $60

Eye of the Tiger

I don't get it. I don't.



Won't half the tiger's face be obscured by whatever bottoms you're wearing? Are you supposed to just not wear pants so as to show the full tiger face? Because if that's the case, please don't do that. We all know what tigers look like; we don't all need to know how efficient your waxer is.

Topshop Tiger Face Bodysuit - $32