In the Club

This was submitted by Irene L. over on the Facebook fan page.



I get that this is probably "club wear," which falls into a whole other category of things I wouldn't wear, and I'm sure it's considered the height of stylishness at raves or something.

As a non-rave attending layperson, though, my thoughts on the top aren't particularly positive. Initially, I thought that the top reminded me of something an alien would wear on Star Trek. I think it's the neck collar.

But, the more I stared at it, the more concerned I became for the health and safety of the model, as it appeared the top was rebelling against the wearer and choking her. It kind of looks like the sleeve is reaching up and throttling the model, right?

Just me?

Well, even if I were one to wear clubwear (which I'm not, since the dress code for studying geology and sitting around my apartment is casual), I'd still steer clear of this top ... just to be safe.

ChicStar Sexy Asymetric One-Shoulder Top - $24.95

Ruff Contrast

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.



It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?



In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

The Super Squad

A few years ago, I created a team of super heroes named "The Super Squad." They had very specific, very useless powers. One of these characters was named "Stomach Face." This is a quick drawing I did in MS Paint, to give you a general idea of what he looked like.



Essentially: his face is on his stomach.



It seems American Apparel had a similar idea. Except, instead of a super hero, their version of Stomach Face just is the face of a (possibly) dead performance artist/comedian.

Just out of curiosity: on what occasion would one wear such a shirt?

American Apparel Unisex Mad Andy Poly-Cotton Short Sleeve Crew Neck - $18

It's a Hoot

If Hooters ever decides to open a high-end restaurant, I think I've found their uniforms.

Forever 21 Lace Bow Front Top - $34

Have A Yabba-Dabba Do Time

Apparently, the designers at Forever 21 were pretty heavily influenced by Hanna-Barbera this season.



First, we had The Jetsons. With this top and dress, I think we're going all the way back to Bedrock.



Don't look so happy, Fred. Sure, it's great that they're being economical and using the leftover scraps from Bloomingstone's Department Store, but really. I think Forever 21 can do better than that.



Unless they start selling Hoppparoos. I would totally get on board with that.

Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Dress - $34.80
Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Top - $24.80

The Depths of Plaidness

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little obsessed with plaid of late.



This shirt will not fall into that category. I know, you're probably shocked. Stunned, even. "But it has giant, puffy sleeves!" you're probably thinking. "With bows on the arms, and a weird ruffled bib thing! That's right up your alley."



I know. It confuses me, as well. I prefer my plaid shirts to be so baggy that it hides anything that might hint at my figure. And I love when strips of fabric dangle down my arms. That's never annoying. Wearing this shirt would be like having two magical plaid fairies hovering against my elbows at all times.

And who doesn't love that?

Forever 21 Plaid Multi-Button Shirt - $32

The Single Life

I realize that, at times, I overthink things. Occasionally.

In this case, though, I think my overthinking is justified. Because I've been confused about this type of shirt for ages now.



Okay. I love "heart" my boyfriend. I get the message. But I'm just not grasping the execution of wearing it.

If you're dating a guy, should he get worried if you go too long without wearing it? I mean, I usually put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I'd be concerned about a guy getting angry over why I'm not wearing it, like how Sheldon kept asking Sally where her Sunday underwear was.

When you guys inevitably break up, do you get rid of this shirt? Or, do you just wait until you get a new guy, then pretend that you bought it just for him? Is it awkward when he sees a picture of you with a former beau, and you're wearing that shirt? When you break up with a guy, does he say, "But your t-shirt said you hearted me!"When you're single, do you shove it in the drawer with those free shirts you get at the AIDs walk or a football game, but you never wear?



I do like, however, that this shirt is a prime example of mullet clothing - faithful in the front, come-hither in the back.

Forever 21 Fishbone Back Tee - $13.80

Et Tu, Black Halo?

Friends, Romans, Readership, lend me your ears.



I come to mock clothing, not to praise it;
The ugly that designers do go to the sales rack,
the good is oft sold out before I can buy it.

So let it be with this top.

Black Halo One Shoulder Jane Top - $105

A Top With a View

I don't have any tattoos, but I would venture to guess that the most difficult thing about having a tramp stamp is finding new and exciting ways to display it. After a while, wearing low-rise jeans with a short t-shirt must get kind of boring.



With this top, you can show off that circle of leaping dolphins, framing it like the work of art that it is.



Unless you've decided to have one of the ten commandments tattooed across your lower back. In that case, you might want to keep it as covered as possible and hope it flies under God's radar, because I can't imagine he'd be thrilled with that development.

Wait, I take that back. If you've got a tramp stamp that says "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass," display it proudly. At least it's a little more contextually appropriate than a warning against false idols.

Left Coast Draped Keyhole Back Tee - $44

Shredded What?

Back when I was gainfully employed, I loved to bring all my old receipts into the office so I could shred them on the industrial shredder. You could put in fistfulls of receipts. It was great. That and ordering Post-Its on Staples.com, those were two of the great joys at that job.



But sometimes, I would get a little overzealous, or the shredder would already be full, and it would stop mid-shred. I would press the reverse button, and out would come my AmEx bill, torn into strips halfway up.

It never occurred to me that I could run a shirt through the shredder and sell it.

Hollister & Co. Harbor Cove - $9.95

Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.



This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

Sea Sluggish

Forever 21 really likes to add unnecessary fabric to their clothes in an attempt at making it look classy and like it's not totally disposable. On rare occasions, it works. But, more often than not, it goes horribly awry.



Take this shirt, for example. My first thought upon seeing the shoulder puffs wasn't "Oh, cute embellishment." No, it was "Whoa, that looks like two sea slugs facing off to penis fence."



Wow. I finally found a way to work penis fencing into this blog. My work here is done.

Forever 21 Blossom Shoulder Tee - $26

Crazy Eyes

I've often sung the praises of the ModCloth hat model, the hardest working model they have. She normalizes even the most absurd hats with a serene look and an impressive dose of smize.

If models are superheroes, then I think this model is her arch-nemesis.



This is Crazy Eyes the eDress Me Model. Her superpower is a stare that burrows deep into your soul and scares the crap out of you.



No, seriously. That is the unblinking stare of the unbalanced. I can't even focus on the dress she's wearing, because I'm afraid to look away. Although, does she draw her powers from the giant headband wrapped around her forehead? That's the only reasonable explanation I can find for why she's wearing a giant headband with most of the dresses.



Oh, thank god, she's finally looked away. This dress actually isn't too bad; the first one appears to be the worst of the three. But it's really hard to get to past the crazy eyes to actually examine the dresses. This is one of those cases where the model just takes away from the dress, because she's so totally the focus of the pictures.

And now I'm kind of afraid she's going to come after me. On the up side, I have enough guy friends who are drawn to the crazy that I can probably distract her with a good-looking hipster.



Oh no, she's looking back at me, and she doesn't seem happy. Hi, Model With Totally Sane Eyes. I like your bandannas. And your penchant for dramatic poses. Big fan. Really.

Ok, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't lie. The only things crazier than your eyes are the poses you strike in those dresses. Hell, that first dress is less crazy-looking than you are, and it's a tie-dyed kimono.

Congratulations. You're crazier than a tie-dyed kimono. That takes a lot of work. Although, in your case, you make it look effortless.

Alberto Makali Tye Dyed Kimono Dress - $197
Alberto Makali Red Cocktail Dress - $219
Alberto Makali Abstract Print Cocktail Dress - $248
Alberto Makali Print Blouse - $98

Guilty As Charged

I know that my opinions are heavily influenced by my own opinions about my body.



Bearing that in mind, I did try to give this top a fair shot. After all, a non-fitted top like this would be one of the least flattering things possible for me. But, try as I might, the truth is, $73 for a sack with a cinched top is just way too expensive, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, there are girls who can probably make this look flirty and cute, but on me, it will look like I have ripped open the bottom of a flour sack and stuck my head through it. And that would look less like a "guilty pleasure," and more like "crazy lady in an expensive sack who stands near the freeway overpass."

ModCloth Guilty Pleasure Top - $72.99

Wolf Like Me

Apparently, this is a top. It is not, as I erroneously thought, the shredded corpse of a top.



My best guess is that Forever 21 is trying to draw in teenagers by subtly reminding them of werewolves, and subsequently, the Twilight series. Although, that's a pretty big gamble, because you run the risk of alienating all the girls who aren't on Team Jacob.

Personally, I'm on Team Phillip, but that's because I like my men with a healthy fear of fire, and green's totally my color.



Forever 21 lash Beaded Knit Top - $29.80

Face Time

Most girls have used, or wanted to say, "my eyes are up here," to a guy at some point. With these shirts, you don't have to.



Like this shirt. The face seems to be looking out disdainfully, as if to say, "Really? You think you stand a chance?" Keep in mind, that's a rhetorical question. The answer is always, "no."



As for this shirt, the face serves as a vehicle for sequins. Sequins and a big floppy bow, both of which can distract from an unwanted gaze. Yeah, it may kind of look like a big black bow is exploding from an aureole, but at least all the sequins create shiny objects to stare at.



Speaking of sequins ...



My only question is, what happened to her nose? Why design a face without a nose? Are noses not in for this season? I guess it's part of all the Michael Jackson styles that have come back into fashion. Oh, fashion designers. What will they think of next?

Forever 21 Model Face Slub Top - $12.80
Forever 21 Jewelled Girl Tee - $12.80
Forever 21 Modelliste Tee - $19.80

Glad Bags

I always hated the challenges on America's Next Top Model or Project Runway where the contestants would have to either design or model clothes made out of recycled materials. I'm sorry, I just don't see how constructing a dress out of newspapers makes you a good designer. I don't. I'm dense like that.



Or, at least, I always hated those challenges until recently. Now, it makes sense, given that stores are designing clothes made from recycled trash bags.

Guess Dahlia Top - $59

String Theory

I've found the clothing equivalent of the mullet.



Business in the front.



Skanky in the back.

The shredded look isn't exclusive to Guess - Forever 21 brings us the top below. I'm not sure when this became a trend, but apparently, it's a thing.



Now, maybe it's just me, but I'd totally put my head through one of the strings by accident. That was always the problem I had with ripped jeans, and that was a problem I had when I could see where my feet were supposed to go. I can't imagine a shirt would be any easier.



I'm not sure what the purpose of those grommets are, but I'm sure they're structurally vital. They wouldn't just be there, superfluously showing off skin, right? Surely not.



Here's a nice change of pace: revealing the sides, rather than the back. Which is great, because I've always wanted to better showcase my stretch marks.



Although, I will say, I don't hate the strings on the shoulders. Granted, they don't leave much room for a bra strap, but it's a nice change from cap sleeves. Doesn't change the fact that I am not a fan of the side panels. I wonder if you can draw them closed, like slatted window blinds.

Guess Ballet Neck Tube Tee - $23.40
Guess Jeanette Dress - $79
Forever 21 Grommet Fringe Back Top - $19.80

If What Doesn't Kill Us Is Making Us Stronger

It took me a while to realize why this shirt looks so familiar.

Then I realized: I'm pretty sure Roseanne wore it on the eponymous Roseanne.

I always knew it was only a matter of time before Roseanne Arnold was recognized for the sartorial genius she was.

Topshop Heavy Patchwork Check Shirt - $70

Boobtube is Right

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

But oh my god, I love this tube top so much because I love things that are ridiculously, over the top trashy. And this is. I want to wear it with leggings and big teased hair and long acrylic nails, and sit around drinking a martini while having a totally inappropriate conversation with my teenaged daughter about my "bubbies." This makes me want to marry a man vaguely connected to the mafia so I can be on the next season of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Topshop Animal Print Boobtube - $36