Wasted Potential in a Romper

You know what makes me really sad about this romper?



That it's a romper. If these were separates, it'd kind of be a cute outfit. But no, apparently Wet Seal doesn't think that we're capable of making our own outfits. They think they have to hold our hand and create outfits for us. Because that's what this is. It's a ready-made outfit that they could have just styled on a mannequin and then put the separates next to it. We would have figured it out, Wet Seal. Really.

Wet Seal Plaid Denim Romper - $30.50

A Long Romp

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my short torso once or six times on this blog. It's apparently something that I'm a little obsessed with. And not without reason - I'm 5'2", and my inseam is nearly the same length as my 5'10" boyfriend's. I have absolutely no torso.



Which is why this would be absolutely absurd on me. Seriously, what kind of normal-torso-ed freak is this designed for? People who actually have space between their belly button and rib cage? That is ridiculous.

No, in all seriousness, my one question is, how does this stay up?



Ooh. Wow. Gathered elasticized sweatpant band. Didn't see that coming.

Forever 21 Denim Strapless Romper - $22.80

Romper Room

Rompers, from what I can tell, are supposed to recall the innocence of youth while maintaining a whimsical nature that only a fashion-savvy adult can bring.



With this, you can definitely recall the innocence of youth. It looks like it has a built in diaper that needs changing.

The thing is, that could be totally changed with one simple fix: bring the crotch up. I mean, really, there is no one with a torso that freakishly long. The crotch is going to hang somewhere around the lower thigh area. There's no reason to have the crotch sit that low. Maybe if you're going to use the extra space for storage, but if that's the case, seriously, just buy a fanny pack already. Don't encourage the low-crotch trend.

Topshop Cotton Jumpsuit by Boutique - $125

Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa Presents ...

Thanks to Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa for bringing Topshop to my attention. She journeyed to the New York store a few weeks ago and tried on this delight:

Why yes, this is a denim romper with molded cups. So good of you to notice!

The one thing - ONE THING - this does have going for it is that the waist is clearly defined, unlike on most other rompers. The corseted top actually does give it a shape that's not unflattering, per se. But it has those damn molded cups, and you know how I loathe them. There's no way for molded cups not to look cheap. This romper is what Daisy Duke would wear in the CW remake of The Dukes of Hazzard. Which, again I would totally watch because it would probably involve Bo and Luke being estranged cousins who are competing for the spots on the high school football team, and Daisy would be their next door neighbor who they're also competing for.

Anyway, this introduces a new feature I'll be adding to this blog - the clothes in real life. I'm occasionally going to go out to the stores and try the clothes on, to show how horrifying they look on a real person. In this case, here is Intrepid Field Reporter Melissa modeling the Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit:

In her words - "This is an actual outfit available for purchase at Top Shop. Try to keep your tongues off the floor, gentlemen!"

Indeed, Melissa. Indeed.

Topshop Vintage Cupped Denim Playsuit - $90

Advice from a Caterpillar

In Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Alice gets advice from a caterpillar smoking a hookah.



If Alice had taken a hit off of that and then designed a romper for the caterpillar to wear on a night out, this is what she would have created, complete with panels allowing for the caterpillar's body segmentation.

It's unfortunate, given that I would have loved to see this fabric in a skirt.

ModCloth Van Gogh Romper - $23.99

Might As Well Jump

Sometimes I wonder if my aversion to the jumper is because I know there's not a chance in hell I can pull it off. I'm 5'1", and I have a 30" inseam. Subtract a foot for my head and neck, and that leaves 19" for torso. That's not a lot of torso to fill a jumper. Pair that with my copious rack, and ... yeah, that's not a flattering look.

Plus, I happen to know at least one person who makes jumpers look really good and shockingly wearable. So it's not totally unwearable. And, every so often, I see one on a website and think it's cute.

So, I occasionally wonder if my issue with jumpers is that I can't wear them, and therefore I have to hate them in order to avoid the inevitable pain that would come with loving them but being unable to wear them.



Then I see these. And I am reminded again that, no, I hate jumpers because they almost always look like this. And this is just wrong.

These are high-waisted, cropped pants with elastic on the hems. The top is a henley, but it's shapeless and baggy, and just generally reminds me of a pair of long johns, but without the practicality or warmth. It's like something a very fashion-forward '49er would wear in the dead of winter.



And here, they actually try to sell this as having "a figure flattering drawstring." I'm not really getting that, given how in this picture, the girl has no waist. If they had gone with "a practical for after a large meal drawstring," I would totally be on board. Because that's a more accurate description than "figure flattering." Hell, saying it has "a magical unicorn-hair drawstring" is more believable than "figure flattering."

Also, is it just my being obsessive-compulsive, or is it really annoying that the fabric patterns don't match up to create straight lines between the top and bottom halves.

Just me? Okay, cool.

Mod Cloth Ripple Effect Jumper - $69.99
Mod Cloth The Pip Jumper - $49.99