Hang Low

The night I met my boyfriend, I was in a bar, fending off the advances of remarkably uninteresting men. How did I know they were uninteresting? I used my standard litmus test: tell them that I'm a dude, and I have a penis the length of my forearm. Then I see how they react. If they get the joke, I drop it. If they don't, I keep going, partly because I can't believe they actually believe that I'm mid-op.



If I had been wearing these pants, I don't think it would have been hard to convince anyone that I'm packing heat.

You know what the worst thing about these pants is? That, at this point, I've grown so accustomed to the horrors of the hareem pant that my first thought was "Wow, $118 is reasonable."

Juicy Couture Drawstring Hareem Pants - $118

Stop Hammertime.

Look, I get that Topshop is supposed to feature cutting-edge fashion. I get it.

That does not make reintroducing Hammerpants acceptable.



They call these "Dancefloor Trousers," but let's be honest: if you wear these on the dancefloor, odds are you're either a super dope homeboy from the Oak town, or you lost a bet.



And if you don't feel like going full-Hammer, you can go halfway and wear these totally flattering low-crotch knickers. You don't need a purse when you have a crotch this low. You can just drop your cell phone in the elastic waist and go knowing that the elasticized leg openings will keep anything important from slipping out.



I'm all for sequins - how can you not be, they're so shiny! You can just stare at them and forget everything around you because SHINY. SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY - what? Sorry. Right. Hammerpants.

But you don't need this many sequins. And I can only imagine that the inside thigh sequins will wear thing very quickly and either bend or get skewed and just in general make the pants look like they're molting. They already kind of look like they're molting. And pants shouldn't molt.



These make you look like you have elephant crotch. As in, the crotch of an elephant. I don't know why that's where my mind goes, but that's what it looks like. Elephant crotch. And that's not a good thing.

In sum: please don't make me continue to go over all the ways in which these are not flattering. Let's just accept that, much like Jordan made Perry throw out his hammerpants on Scrubs, so too should we as a consumerist body throw out all hammerpants. Please. I'm begging you.

Topshop Dancefloor Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Snakeskin Print Hareems - $50
Topshop Sequin Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Hareem Tie Waist Trousers - $60