I'm Confused

I am not ashamed to admit it.



I do not understand this tank top. I'm completely lost. I've even googled the phrase "Life on the moon isn't easy," but nothing came up. What the hell does it mean?

I feel like I'm looking at a New Yorker cartoon. That's how confused I am.

Why do these women not have eyebrows or noses? Why are they talking about how hard it is to live on the moon? Do they live on the moon? Are they considering moving to the moon? What makes living on the moon hard? Is it the lack of atmosphere and weak gravitational pull? The absence of water? The fact that it's a three day commute to get to the nearest mall? Is there a high crime rate on the moon? Is the unemployment rate on the moon skyrocketing? Are you bored of the amusement park?

I'm not arguing that living on the moon isn't hard, but that's mostly because, as far as I'm aware, one cannot live on the moon. Since, apparently, these women are having a discussion about it, the situation must not be as cut and dry as I imagined.

I'd like a follow-up tank, one that gives this one a little more context. Maybe a response from the other girl along the lines of, "Yeah, ever since the moon's currency weakened, it's been almost impossible to find jobs." Or, "Well, sure, because space suits make my hips look fat." I'll take pretty much anything, as long as it's an answer.

Forever 21 Life On the Moon Tank - $12.80

A Message to the Pandas

Yes, I have a tendency to read too much into graphic tees. It's part of that whole "overanalyzing" thing that I do.



Look, Panda, I'm not going to argue with you about the cute thing. You're a panda. You're freaking adorable. You are giant balls of cuddle.



I'm not allowed near the San Diego Zoo any more because I once tried to hop the fence at the panda enclosure because I wanted to take a nap and use your stomachs as pillows.

Smarter, though? Yeah, that's up for debate. You subsist on a diet of bamboo, which is so low in nutrients that you have to eat 30 pounds of it a day, a tenth of your weight. This is in spite of the fact that you have big, sharp carnivore teeth and a happy carnivore digestive tract, all designed to allow you to eat tiny creatures full of nutrients.

Oh, and also, you don't know how to mate, so zookeepers have to show you panda porn, in what must be the most awkward birds and bees moment this side of my dad singing a song about sperm and eggs to my brother.

So yes, Panda. You may be cuter than I am, but smarter? Well, given the fact that I'm not currently in a zoo because I'm actually incapable of surviving in the wild, I'd say that match point is mine.

Forever 21 Cuter and Smarter Tee - $9.80

Short Knit Leggings

You know how, for the last few months, I've posted a few times about the 90s resurgence? And in a few of those posts, I mentioned that I wore a lot of bike shorts back when I was a kid.



Man, I am so glad that no one's bringing back bike shorts.

Wait a minute ....

Those short knit leggings look a lot like bike shorts.



In fact, if I saw someone wearing these on the street, I would probably exclaim "Whoa, look at those bike shorts!" Then she would have to respond with, "No, these are short knit leggings," and I'd feel terribly rude, and would then apologize for insulting her.

Unless ....

They actually are bike shorts, and Forever 21 is just trying to make us think they're innocuous by calling them "short leggings." Because "short leggings" sound much more sophisticated than "bike shorts."

I will say, their styling efforts just confirm that 90's Amanda was way ahead of her time, because I also wore bike shorts with a t-shirt and studded cowboy boots. Man, I was so cool.

Forever 21 Short Knit Legging - $4.90

Are You Jellin'?

As evidenced by earlier posts, I'm more than happy to talk about my own fashion past, especially if it's 90s related.



So it is without shame that I admit that yes, I totally owned a pair of jellies back when I was 6 or 7. I begged my mom to buy them for me, she reluctantly agreed, and I wore them until they fell apart, despite the fact that they gave me terrible blisters. Because, as far as I was concerned, they were the coolest, chicest thing ever.

I don't really have a problem with their resurgence. I'm now an adult and I know better than to buy jellies, so the trend doesn't really affect me much. It mostly just makes me nostalgic for the days when I still thought that my jellies and bike shorts were a combination the likes of which hadn't been seen since some guy got chocolate in another dude's peanut butter.

However.

However.

However.

Oh my god, these are totally orthopedic jellies, and that's just sullying the good name of all that six year old Amanda holds dear. These are not okay, Forever 21. These are not okay at all.

Forever 21 Jelly Strap Sandal - $6.80

Ruff Contrast

This delightful Forever 21 top was posted by reader Melissa K. on the Facebook fan page.



It took me a little while to get over my total and utter disappointment at having wasted my dilophosaurus comparison on these leggings. Because, really, this goes beyond just an Elizabethan neck ruff, like J.Crew was selling last fall.

No, this is a retractable neck frill. There isn't a doubt in my mind. So, the next question becomes, why did the top evolve to have a neck ruff? What is the evolutionary purpose?



In nature, a frill is often used to make the animal look larger to potential predators. Color is also a defense mechanism, as bright colors like red are often a warning sign that the animal is poisonous.

In this case, though, I'd say it's a warning for potential wearers.

Also, if you like dinosaurs, check out my post about the SyFy channel movie Dinoshark over at my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All.

Forever 21 Contrast Collar Top - $28

Boop Who?

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.



Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

Yes, Nice Things About F21

My cousin is getting married in a few months (congratulations, Erin!), and she has a bridal shower coming up. I was surfing Forever 21 for a dress to wear to the shower, when I came across these two dresses.

After staring at them for several minutes, I still can't decide if these dresses are actually cute, or if I'm just losing my mind.



I know that, technically, this is a blog about the things that I wouldn't wear (hence, "You Want Me To Wear What?" rather than "Why Would Anyone Ever Wear This?"). In this case, though, neither of these dresses would work on me. At all.

But on a thin girl, I think this dress could be pretty amazing. Not just in the usual Lucky fashion tips way of "Add curves with tiers!" No, I think this could actually work on someone with less of an hourglass because the dress itself is really interesting to look at. The colors go together, the layers work, and it kind of reminds me of a deconstructed bandage dress. A softer, deconstructed take is a welcome change from what I always felt was a harsh, almost militaristic style.



As for this, I wouldn't have liked it, had I not seen it on a model.



I'm actually kind of curious to try the dress. I don't think it will look good on me, but I just want to give it a shot. I like that it curves and creates the illusion of corsetting without having to go through the trouble of wearing a corset. I like that it's kind of a play on the t-shirt under a dress thing that's been happening lately. Essentially, the dress is kind of just an optical illusion, but in the good way. In the, "Doesn't give me headaches" way.

With all of Forever 21's attempts at couture - all their weird, overdone, excessively designed dresses, if you had described these dresses to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind - Forever 21 can't touch something unusual and not make it bizarre. But no, I'm actually pretty sure that these dresses are kind of awesome.

Thoughts?

Forever 21 Rendezvous Pleat Dress - $29.80
Forever 21 Attention Colorblock Dress - $19.80

Frill of the Hunt

Oh crap, you guys. Stand very, very still.

I think we've startled the leggings.

Forever 21 Mesh Ruffle Trim Leggings - $24

Yoke's On You

Back when I was six, I went through a "cowgirl" phase. I wore cowboy boots all the time, and whenever I was home I had on a big red cowboy hat and a set of holsters with toy guns. Fortunately, this only lasted for about six months. Unfortunately, there are pictures.



I'm pretty sure that I'm wearing this skirt in at least one of those pictures.

Forever 21 Studded Denim Yoke Skirt - $28

It's a Hoot

If Hooters ever decides to open a high-end restaurant, I think I've found their uniforms.

Forever 21 Lace Bow Front Top - $34

A Threat to Bad Taste

Hello,

Thanks for providing us with additional information. However, after
thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into
consideration, we've re-confirmed that your account poses a significant
risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we're unable to reinstate your
account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions
we've taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more
information by visiting
https://www.google.com/adsense/support/bin/answer.py?answer=57153 .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it's earned me about $40 from your ad clicks - I'll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).

I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?

Here's the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn't post about any of these sites if I didn't surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I've posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there - even if I do post about them a lot.

And I do. I post about them regularly, because I'm on their site all the time. If I weren't unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I'd be buying frilly dresses from them.

I know I'm not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I've posted about it here. I'm guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.

I'm not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I'm not saying the retailers overcharge. I'm just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I've posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have - well, I'm shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.

I'm just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that's what Google's decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?

I don't write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it's just been kicked in the shins.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

- Amanda

On the Row

I have, of late, become obsessed with playing Saints Row 2. It's a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto, and my addiction has gotten so bad that, whenever I see a nice car, my first thought is: "Is that on my chop shop list?"

One of the things you can do in the game is buy and customize clothing. Because my character has a rockin' body and likes to pistol whip people, I've been dressing her in a fairly skanky manner. Okay, she looks like a ho. But a ho who pistol whips pedestrians.



I'm pretty sure she owns this skirt.

I like the suggestion that you pair it with, "netted tights and statement heels." Because keeping it classy would just be too easy. Then again, I guess if you're wearing this skirt, your only option really is to just go full-force trashy, because come on: it's not even a real leather skirt. They had to kill six Pleathers to make this thing. At least give it the courtesy of pairing it with an appropriately streetwalker-esque ensemble.

Forever 21 Boudoir Leatherette Skirt - $22.80

Have A Yabba-Dabba Do Time

Apparently, the designers at Forever 21 were pretty heavily influenced by Hanna-Barbera this season.



First, we had The Jetsons. With this top and dress, I think we're going all the way back to Bedrock.



Don't look so happy, Fred. Sure, it's great that they're being economical and using the leftover scraps from Bloomingstone's Department Store, but really. I think Forever 21 can do better than that.



Unless they start selling Hoppparoos. I would totally get on board with that.

Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Dress - $34.80
Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Top - $24.80

The Depths of Plaidness

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little obsessed with plaid of late.



This shirt will not fall into that category. I know, you're probably shocked. Stunned, even. "But it has giant, puffy sleeves!" you're probably thinking. "With bows on the arms, and a weird ruffled bib thing! That's right up your alley."



I know. It confuses me, as well. I prefer my plaid shirts to be so baggy that it hides anything that might hint at my figure. And I love when strips of fabric dangle down my arms. That's never annoying. Wearing this shirt would be like having two magical plaid fairies hovering against my elbows at all times.

And who doesn't love that?

Forever 21 Plaid Multi-Button Shirt - $32

The Hip Way To Travel

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Forever 21 Airlines, Flight 288 with non-stop service to Unflattering."



Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our peplum demonstration. Please follow along with the image in front of you.

Please make sure your peplum is securely fastened at this time. To fasten, firmly affix the ruffles to your midsection. In case of a water landing, the peplum will inflate and serve as a flotation device.

Please take this time to notice that the peplum sits around your waist, rather than on your hips. Keep in mind that it may make you look larger and will at bulk to your waist, traditionally a narrow point on the torso. If you are naturally slim, the peplum may come off as an oddly placed inner tube, rather than additional fabric that adds curves.

As we come through the cabin to perform our final safety checks, please make sure your seatbelt is fastened as best you can over this mass of fabric, your seat back and tray tables are in their full upright and locked position, and all carry on items are stored properly.

Thank you for your attention, and we wish you a good flight on Forever 21 Airlines.

The Single Life

I realize that, at times, I overthink things. Occasionally.

In this case, though, I think my overthinking is justified. Because I've been confused about this type of shirt for ages now.



Okay. I love "heart" my boyfriend. I get the message. But I'm just not grasping the execution of wearing it.

If you're dating a guy, should he get worried if you go too long without wearing it? I mean, I usually put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I'd be concerned about a guy getting angry over why I'm not wearing it, like how Sheldon kept asking Sally where her Sunday underwear was.

When you guys inevitably break up, do you get rid of this shirt? Or, do you just wait until you get a new guy, then pretend that you bought it just for him? Is it awkward when he sees a picture of you with a former beau, and you're wearing that shirt? When you break up with a guy, does he say, "But your t-shirt said you hearted me!"When you're single, do you shove it in the drawer with those free shirts you get at the AIDs walk or a football game, but you never wear?



I do like, however, that this shirt is a prime example of mullet clothing - faithful in the front, come-hither in the back.

Forever 21 Fishbone Back Tee - $13.80

Water Landing

Whenever I fly, I always think to myself, "It's too bad I can't put together a cute outfit that would also be useful in the case of a water landing." Floaties are too cumbersome, and wetsuits aren't particularly comfortable or figure-flattering.



Fortunately, Forever 21 has designed a skirt that, in the event of a water landing, you can keep your valuables - and your sense of style - dry. Yes, this chic plastic skirt, with its practical rope ties, will make you the envy of frequent fliers everywhere.

Forever 21 Petticoat Cargo Skirt - $19.80

Jane, His Wife

You know how sometimes you'll make a visual connection in your head? Maybe it's just my terrible visual memory. I don't know. Either way, before I started writing this post, had you asked me if this dress was identical to Jane Jetson's, I would have said "Absolutely."



Apparently, I was wrong. I don't know if it was the big collar or what, but even now I'm not convinced that this was just some Jetsons-themed hallucination.



It's not just me, right? If Jane never wore it, at the least, it had to have been in her closet.

Forever 21 Tuxedo Belted Sleeveless Coatdress - $44

Bonjour Paris

Alright. Is it just me, or is this the creepiest smiley face ever?



It's the saddest, scariest smiley face I've seen in a long time. It looks like someone gouged out its eyes. This Paris happy face is the Oedipus of happy faces.

I know, I know. That's so like me, seeing Greek tragedies in everything. I was originally going to write more, but I can't actually keep staring at this damn thing. Its vacant, dead eyes keep staring at me, piercing my soul.

Forever 21 Cropped Bonjour Paris Tank - $14.90

Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39