An Addendum On Houndstooth

Hey, remember when a reader found the blog by Googling "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

I said that it would not, and that the reader should go for it.



I just want to point out, for the sake of clarification: skirts. Go for a houndstooth skirt or dress. Do not go for houndstooth skinny pants. Especially not ones made by Avril Lavigne and sold at Kohl's. Because these are bad. These are really, really bad. Kohl's won't even show the back of the pants, they're so unflattering.

So, dear Kentucky reader, these will make you look fat. These will make everyone look fat. These make the mannequin look fat. Don't take it personally. Put on a houndstooth skirt and feel like Blair Waldorf for a day. But for the love of headbands, please don't wear these pants.

Abbey Dawn Houndstooth Skinny Pants - $24

Please Stop Avril Before Someone Gets Hurt

I ... so ... these are real.



People. These pants are real. They once sold for $50. Kohl's seems to think that they'll sell for $20.

They have zigzags in black and white. With random bursts of color. I have a migraine just from trying to get my eyes to focus. Can you imagine these in motion? They'd be seizure-inducing. People would fall victim to your legs as you walk down the street.



I don't know why I even posted the back - it's not as if these pants are going to get any better from behind. I guess I posted them to convince myself that these are real, because I have a naive hope that they're a very early April Fools joke.

But no. These are actually pants that are for sale. That someone, somewhere - some misguided teen who actually thinks that Kohls is the official retailer for punk - has purchased these.

If you see a teen on the street wearing these pants, take them under your wing. Play some Ramones for them. Explain that this is punk. Explain that Complicated is not. Show them that punk is not just wearing a tie.

And, for the love of God, buy them some solid pants so that you can, together, burn these abominations.

Abbey Dawn Zigzag Skinny Pants - $19.20

It's In The Jeans

Babies are adorable. Babies dressed in grown-up clothing are, oftentimes, even more adorable. For example, my friend Kate keeps threatening to buy my future offspring tiny Converse sneakers, because I wear them all the time (no, Mom and Dad, this is not an imminent threat, she's said it for the entire time I've known her. She's a baby shoe fetishist or something).

Right, the post.

So, babies in grown-up clothing can be very cute.



But let's face it: if your kid doesn't have the body to pull of skinny jeans, don't even bother. I don't care if it's baby fat, your 3-month old is looking a little hip-y, and it's just not a good look for her. In fact, you might want to think about getting her a little more exercise, because nobody likes a chunky baby. And for the rest of you, don't even think about putting your daughter in those bulky diapers if she's going to wear these. The only thing grosser than a fat baby in skinny jeans is a baby with Visible Diaper Line. Get some thongs or something, because I don't want to have to see the outline of your baby's diaper ever time she's crawling around on the floor in her skinnies.

Wait, can babies crawl at 3 months? Whatever, the point is, it's gross, and I don't want to see it. If your baby doesn't have the figure, don't humiliate her or yourself.

But if your baby does have the figure to make these work, congratulations: you've got one sexy infant.

GapBaby Skinny Jeans - $25

Stud Muffintop

Per the request of former roommate and devoted reader Ava, I'm adding some higher-end designers to the roster. Please give your warmest You Want Me To Wear What welcome to 7 For All Mankind!



... and their accompanying stud-waist jeans.



Yes, that's right. Stud-waisted jeans. Jeans with a built in chain of studs. I'd start talking about how unflattering it is to draw attention to what generally is the widest part of a woman's body. But, since they're skinny jeans, I guess that point's kind of moot, isn't it?



However, I can say one thing: how totally annoying will it be when one or two studs start falling off?

7 For All Mankind "Gwenevere" Skinny Jeans with Stud Waistband Chain in Rustic Wash - $215

Differential Weathering

I'm unclear on something:



What activity can someone possibly do that would cause their jeans to rip on the right sides of both legs?

Forever 21 Saddle Stitch Skinny Jeans - $27.80

Tie-Died.

I have gone on record with my distaste for tie-dyed pants. And yet, Modcloth continues to taunt me.



From the description: "In neutral grey and white, you can pair with a blouse in any color of the rainbow for a totally boho ensemble that Jerry is sure to love!"

You want to know why Jerry would love these? Because he's dead, and we all know zombies have no fashion sense. Next time you want to sell me on clothing, maybe don't suggest that it would be favored by an undead stoner. Thanks.

ModCloth The Grey-ful Dead Pants - $47.99

Marbled is Only Good For Steak

Okay, guys, seriously, I have a question: is this something we're doing now?

Because, really, I can't do it. I can't. This is tie-dyed denim. TIE-DYED. BLEACHED. DENIM.



Starting with these offerings from Modcloth - first of all, I thought skinny jeans weren't supposed to make you look thigh-heavy. And yet, these manage to because they are an unflattering rise, way too skinny, and also TIE-DYED. With a random blue splotch on the pocket, making it look like you left your Uniball uncapped in your pocket.



The LEAST OFFENSIVE of these options comes from Topshop. THE LEAST. This skirt could almost pass for wearable, and these shorts don't look all that marble bleached - more just selectively faded. But that doesn't change the fact that these are all marble bleached denim.



And these are marble bleached black denim. One of which is a vest. A denim vest. That is marble bleached. And sleeveless. When paired with the skirt, it makes quite the Texas Tuxedo. Is the matching mullet sold separately?

White Lightning Skinny Jeans - $49.99
Modcloth White Lightning Shorts - $34.99
Topshop Tie Dye Denim Pelmet Skirt - $50
Topshop Marble Bleach Frayed Hotpants - $55
Topshop Denim Shirt by Boutique - $100
Topshop High Waisted Denim Mini Skirt - $55

Shiny Tight Pants

Oh, Topshop. Just because you call something "trousers," that doesn't make them classy.



The cleaning instructions on these are simple: "Wipe clean."

Good to know all those hookers can save on their dry cleaning bills.

Topshop Skinny Shiny Trousers - $70