A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!



Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.



Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

Shoebuse

Somebody call 911. A horrible crime has been committed.



No sneaker deserves to go out like this. They should be worn until they're falling apart, having lived a full life, until the soles are threadbare and the rubber is cracking around the edges.

These poor sneakers have been brutally attacked by the Converse Cutter. If you have any information that can help us find the perpetrator, please send it to your local authorities.

In the meantime, hide your hi-tops. Look after your low-tops. Protect your Purcells. Take care of your Converse.
Free People Shredded Converse - $128

Free the Feet

Okay, until the other day, I had absolutely no idea that Free People sells the ugliest shoes in the world.

And they do. These are a close second to the Slouchy Clogs of Doom posted on Friday.



It's nice that they've provided such sturdy ankle support when wearing a high wedge like that. Well, it's either sturdy ankle support, or these are actually straight jackets for your feet.



These, much like the Slouchy Clogs of Doom, are styled with a pair of shorts. Look, if it's hot enough out that you're wearing shorts, maybe you shouldn't be wearing a heavy leather shoe.



I doubt these shoes breathe much, and you're not wearing socks with them (please, don't wear socks with them, that'd be even worse). So basically, when you wear these shoes as styled, you're subjecting your feet to an entire day of being submerged in a sweat bath while wearing a straight jacket. That's just not right to do to your feet.

Your feet haven't done anything to you. They allow you to move from place to place. Without them, your calves would look really weird. If you're Uma Thurman, it's the reason Quentin Tarantino keeps casting you in movies.

Your feet still love you after you've walked too far in uncomfortable shoes. They love you if you go a month without a pedicure, until your toenail polish has entirely chipped off. Even if you stub your toe, your foot heels back up as quickly as it can, so it can keep on working for you.

So why would you do this to your feet? With all they've done for you, don't you think you owe it to them to not wear this shoes?

Free People Arrowhead Wedge - $248

Why Did Someone Make These?

These shoes have to go after the jump. They're that bad. In fact, if you want to maintain your innocence, I would recommend you don't click through. It's too late for me, because you can't unsee these. It's the footwear-equivalent of the Ring tape.

So, proceed with caution.