We All Scream

Over time, there have been certain catchphrases that have rightfully earned their place on bumper stickers and graphic ts alike. "Make Love, Not War." "Hugs Not Drugs."



"Melt Ice Cream, Not Glaciers" will not be one of them.

Let's deal with the obvious, glaring error in this statement: no one should ever let ice cream melt. Ever. Unless you're six and you still find "soupy" ice cream a novelty.

I'm not saying that letting ice cream melt is a catastrophe on the level of global warming, but ... no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

If the message is that melted ice cream is a fair exchange for melting glaciers - putting melted ice cream on par with catastrophic climate change - then I want a t-shirt that says, "Screw The Polar Bears, Save the Sprinkles."

Delia*s Melt Sundaes Tee - $26.50

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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

Love Bites

Alright, this has gone far enough. I know that kids today are all into Twilight and the tragic romance between a girl and the hunky vampire with sparkly skin who is torn between wanting to love her and wanting to eat her. I get it.




But seriously? No. Vampires make terrible boyfriends. Keep in mind, they're constantly fighting the overwhelming urge to kill you. Because they are.

It's the equivalent of if a lion started dating a gazelle. Yeah, at first he'd be buying the gazelle flowers and chocolates, but after a week or so, he's going to get kind of hungry while they're at that all-grass restaurant the gazelle loves so much, and he's going to start picturing a giant steak where the gazelle is sitting. It's only a matter of time before the lion is going all National Geographic on his gazelle-friend.

So, yeah, Vampires make the best boyfriends, if your criteria for good boyfriend includes "wants to consume me." Never mind the fact that he can't go out in the day time. Yeah, sure, sparkle-skin is great and all, but that's fiction. Everyone knows that vampires can't go into sunlight.

Also, they're really old, so I'm sure you'd have to listen to a lot of "Back when I was human, we had to walk ten miles in the snow" and whatnot. And do you really want to have to explain how the internet works to your boyfriend?

Sure, vampires tend to be hunky (they apparently only like to turn the good-looking ones). And of course it's flattering to be hit on by the undead. But let's be honest here: they are not good boyfriends.

Unless you're really into tragic romances, in which case, you're 15, of course you are, go read Wuthering Heights and write in your LiveJournal about how no one understands you.

Just don't date the undead. Or that weird guy at school who thinks he's a vampire. You're already going to be embarrassed about what you wore back when you were 15; you don't need to be embarrassed about who you dated.

Delia*s Vampire's Boyfriend T-Shirt - $26.50

EEEEEEEEEE!

I, like many people, have a soft spot for things that are cute. I can't resist going into a pet shop and watching puppies chew on things (although, yes, I realize pet shops are evil). I once stood in the rodent hut at the Bronx Zoo for 20 minutes with my finger against the glass of a European field mouse exhibit, because the tiny European field mice kept standing on their hind legs and licking the glass where my finger was. I then went home and changed a Wikipedia article on field mice to include the fact that European field mice "administer tiny mouse kisses."



With that in mind, buy these shirts at your own risk. There is a very good chance that, if I happen to see you wearing one, I will run up and hug you.



Especially if you're wearing this one. If you're wearing this, I will probably squeeze you while saying "Squish," because one of my greatest desires in life is to squish a baby penguin.

Consider yourself warned.

Delia*s Polar Bear Baby Tee - $24.50
Delia*s Penguin Baby Tee - $24.50