Match Point, Simpson

I have tried very, very hard to hate Jessica Simpson's shoe and clothing line. I've actually made a concerted effort to not buy anything from them, because I hated the idea that a pop star had made a decent clothing line - and worse, that Joe Simpson could stand to profit from it. As a rule of thumb, I do not contribute to Joe Simpson's coffers (by the by, apparently today is his birthday - happy birthday, Captain Creeps-Me-Out!).

And you know where that boycott has left me? Without a lot of cute shoes.

I know. I really don't want it to be true, but the girl's hired some great designers. When in a department store shoe section, I've consistently gravitated toward her shoes, realizing with dismay that the really cute concealed platform heels are Jessica Simpson's, and therefore not allowed to come home with me.

Ultimately, though, I could live with that. I don't wear heels all that often, so it's not like I need that many.

But now, she's making dresses.



And some of them have a retro, Mad Men-esque silhouette. Like this one. Which is covered in tiny flowers. But not in an abrasive way. In a cute, springy, whimsical way. With a boatneck and a full skirt.

Dammit.



This dress could have gone so horribly awry - sea foam with a lime green belt. Who in their right mind would combine these two colors? And yet, it works. It works so hard, I'm already wearing this in my mind, and it is magical. I have no idea what shoes you would wear with this, but in my head, I have hemmed this to a few inches above the knee, and I am wearing a matching patent leather headband, and I might or might not actually be Blair Waldorf in my head.




She's wearing Alice & Olivia in both these pictures, but she could have just as easily been wearing the Jessica Simpson dress (if the JS dress were marked up a couple hundred dollars ... the girl does have standards).



Remember how I mentioned the Mad Men silhouettes? Yeah. That.

It's not quite as springy as the other two - it feels heavier, more appropriate for winter. But I love the sparse polka dots, and for once, the beaded neckline actually works for me.

So, fine, Jessica Simpson. You win. I may or may not be feverishly Googling "Jessica Simpson dresses what stores" right now (I don't Google in coherent sentences). And damned if I won't be trying on these dresses the minute I find out what stores carry them.

Just, please, can you give your dad's 20% to whoever actually designed these? Because they deserve the bonus.

Jessica Simpson Belted Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Dropping Daisy Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Tulle Flocked Dress - $138

A Sack of Potatoes

I realize that sometimes, I just don't understand a style or an attempted look.



I don't think this is one of those times. No, I think that I am rightly mystified by this dress. It's so ill-fitting, it actually makes the model look like her head was Photoshopped onto another, much larger, model's body. It is so shapeless that it actually fails at being stylishly shapeless. It's just unflattering.

Where is the logic in this dress? It bunches around the mid-thigh area, tapering down into an asymmetrical hemline. It's hard to make a satin, formless dress more unwearable, but somehow, they manage.

So, hat's off to them, I suppose?

Kimberly Ovitz "Myron" Silk Charmeuse Dress - $385

Just One Question

No, really. I have just one question:



Why do these exist?

No, really. Why does this abomination exist? These are high-rise shorts. High-rise satin shorts. I cannot think of any case in which these would ever be flattering. Ever, ever, ever. And that's not even dealing with the lace-up fronts, which I guess serves to - you know, I can't even begin to guess what the purpose of the lace-up front is.



Here's the back. With an elastic panel. Naturally. Because when you're wearing high-waist shorts, you're going to want everyone to see the massive elastic panel on your back. It so delightfully compliments the mom-jeans flat butt that a high rise will inevitably give you.

So, again, I ask: Why do these exist?

Forever 21 Satin Lace Up Short - $17.80

Blue Satin Pants What?

I'm not a big fan of satin dresses. Most of the time, the fabric is too thick, so it ends up getting weird and stiff, and bunching up oddly.



I'm even less of a fan of satin pants. Satin pants with rolled hems. Because you know what is meant to be a casual fabric? Satin.

You roll ripped jeans. You occasionally roll khakis. But satin? Really?

I am hating this gathered hem trend for pants. Stop trying to make harem pants work. Stop trying to make pseudo-harem pants work. It's not going to happen. And if it is, I'm going to ignore it completely and insist it's not happening, because to accept that harem pants are "in" is to give up my faith in the fashion industry entirely.

These pants could almost - ALMOST - be passible if they had a lower rise and just finished as a straight leg. Even if they had finished as a cropped straight leg with a lower rise, I'd have let them slide. Sure, they're in an unwearable fabric, and odds are they will be stained beyond measure by the end of the first day you've worn them. But they'd be passably cute.

With the higher rise, though, they create that weird limbo-region in the crotch/lower abdomen area, where it doesn't quite look like you're wearing mom jeans, but they're not low enough to not be mom jeans. So instead, you're just wearing bad idea jeans. And nobody wants to wear those.

Modcloth Dancehall Blues Pants - $79.99

The Forest for the Trees

I don't really know what to say about this top, but I feel like it needs to be posted.



Sassy model seems to really be enjoying this top. I can't even criticize it, really, because she just seems to love wearing it so much. I don't know what occasion one would wear this to - from her accessories and shiny leggings, I'm guessing some sort of eco-clubbing thing? I don't know. I just keep staring at the top, repeating basic observable facts about it to myself, like: "It's blue. It has one sleeve. There are trees on it. It has satin banding." Beyond that, I can't figure out what to say about it, because it's so literal.

This isn't a pattern of small trees all over the thing. It's not an abstract tree winding its way up her torso. This is, very simply, a picture of trees on a shirt with one sleeve. It is remarkably literal.

I don't know why this exists. I don't know who wears it. But if you know someone who does, or who would, please tell me. I have so many questions for them.

Bebe Enchanted Forest Tunic - $89

Really, Topshop?

I recently started surfing the Topshop site, thanks to intrepid field reporter Melissa (who will be featured in a later post for her intrepid field reporting). The first day I started looking through the site, I was delighted: it was the perfect mix of awful clothing and amazing clothing, so I didn't feel like it was too easy a target. But as I flipped through the different tabs I had opened, I had to check the url to make sure this dress did in fact come from Topshop and not Forever21.



Come on, Topshop. We both know you're better than this. Even your ugliest offerings don't look flat-out cheap. This is what that one girl with the cheap fake hair and frosted lip gloss wears to junior prom, before she gets totally wasted on schnapps and throws up in the limo.

I even surfed through the Forever 21 site, just to make sure that there wasn't anything similar. I checked Charlotte Russe, Arden B - all my go-tos for tacky evening wear, and nothing.

The fabric looks cheap, the cut looks cheap, the wearer will look cheap. It's not hideous, it's not a train wreck like some of the other dresses I've posted. It's just ... cheap. Which, if that's the look you're going for, power to you. I just think you can achieve it for less than $80.

And they don't even sell the matching stripper shoes to make an outfit out of it.

Topshop Gold Panel Bodycon Dress - $80