Where's Whitesnake?

Hey, remember how, up until a few years ago, people used to laugh about how awful their clothes were in the 80s?



Man, those were some good times. I miss those days. Back then, Guess never would have described these jeans with the following: "Revive the vinyl, teased hair and ripped tees ubiquitous to '80s style and slip into GUESS' retro skinny jeans."

Clearly, all the hairspray from the teased hair has gotten to the Guess designers. That's the only explanation for why they would ever think that faded grey jeans with a black pattern down the outer thighs would be flattering or appealing.



Peg-legged jeans sound like so much fun, until you see them. Then you realize that they have nothing to do with pirates, and you've been fooled again.

What, that doesn't happen to you? It's just me? Well, damn. The description says these jeans "evoke rocker-chic." Look, I'm not going to argue the relative merits of rocker-ness here. However, I would suggest that it's less "rocker-chic" and more "rocker who just woke up from a weekend-long bender." I know they're supposed to look like they've seen better days, but that doesn't mean you need to as well.



As for these? If I wanted to look like I spilled bleach all over my jeans, I would have done just that. But I have the good sense to recognize that the marbling effect, paired with the skin-tight jeans, will look hideous on me.

Like I said, there was a time when we made fun of bad 80s fashions. How did designers convince us that we should relive it, but with a bigger price tag?

Guess Verona Skinny Jeans in Zebra Wash - $98
J Brand Tie-Dyed Skinny Jeans in Oz Wash - $198
Paige Premium Denim "Skyline Drive" 10" Peg-Legged Jeans in Heavy Metal Wash - $249

Face the Music

Clearly, I don't get the kids of today.



If I did, maybe I would understand why you would wear Avril Lavigne's giant face on a t-shirt. Or, if I understood kids today, the KISS-style star over her eye would make sense.

"Dare to be different. You'll steal the spotlight wearing this juniors' Abbey Dawn boyfriend tee," says the website. I can't really argue with either of those points. After all, it certainly would be different to wear a t-shirt with Avril Lavigne's giant face on it, given that her whole "punk rock" look hasn't really been new or fresh since 2002. And you will steal the spotlight, as people try to figure out just whose face you're wearing, since it's only identifiable as Avril because it's her own clothing line. I guess you could say she has a big head about herself.

The t-shirt is described as a "boyfriend tee," but quite frankly, if you've stolen this shirt from your boyfriend, you two need to have a serious discussion.

Abbey Dawn Boyfriend Face Tee - was $24, now $12

The Kids Are Alright

It's been a long time since I was a tween. A long time. So maybe I've forgotten something, with the haze of the many, many intervening years.



I am, however, pretty sure that the upper arms of preteens are not more impervious to cold than their forearms.



I'm not going to criticize the shirts, because ultimately I can totally see a little 11-year old Amanda wanting to pull off this mini-rocker thing. As a tween, I lacked the self awareness to realize that I was not, in fact, a badass (case in point: previously mentioned flannels).



But seriously, won't their upper arms get cold? Won't their forearms get hot? And how do the arm socks stay up? Do they come with garters, Silk Spectre-style? Do they have elastic? If they are arm socks, does one always get lost in the dryer, like foot socks? I have so many questions about the engineering of this shirt, and so few answers.

Amended to add:
There are thumb holes in the arm socks - does this maybe help with the rigging apparatus? Does a pre-made thumb hole make it more punk? Wouldn't they impede any guitar playing, and therefore any actual rocking?

I must investigate this further.

Justice Graphic Tee With Armsocks

Avril Lavigne is Totally Still Relevant

It's tough going back to school. You have to start waking up before noon, the required reading isn't a Teen Beat article on the Jonas brothers, and you have to find the perfect outfit to express that you are an individual, unlike all those preppy sheep. The dark nail polish and bangs in your face just won't cut it any more.

Luckily, Kohl's has anticipated your needs, and is the official retailer for Avril Lavigne, the original punk.

You can "rock" this outfit for your first day of class.




Nothing says "I rebel against societal mores" like a sewn-on tie, zebra stripe, and shorts that will inevitably make your legs look like stumpy plaid sausages.

Kohl's Abbey Dawn Zebra Shirt Set
Abbey Dawn Plaid Bermuda Shorts