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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

Just Call Me Grumpy Bear

I always find it hardest to dress for spring. The weather shifts back and forth, it's warm in the sun but freezing in the shade, all your warm weather clothes are still packed away and you don't feel like going through it all.



And because of the flow of air currents, sometimes your upper midriff gets hot while your arms are freezing.



Don't give me that look, ShopBop Model Who Kind of Looks Like Amanda Peet. I'm just saying, the long sleeves and bare midriff make me wonder if you've got some weird heating issues.

Ooh, unless you're a Care Bear and you don't want to limit your abilities to participate in a good Care Bear Stare. In which case, ignore everything I've said about body temperature. It all makes sense now.

Porter Grey Tie Waist Shirtdress with Cutout - $385

Ole?

Wow. There is a whole lot of pattern happening here.



So, odds are, we should expect to see it on Vanessa wearing it on Gossip Girl some time before the end of the season.

ModCloth Piñata Leggings - $37.99

If you like Gossip Girl fashions, check out the other blog I sometimes write for, You Know You Love Fashion.

A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!



Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.



Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

ANTM Meets AA

I try not to comment on celebrity fashion, as there are sites that do it far better than I. However, I saw this billboard today for the new cycle of America's Next Top Model, and I had to share it.



I have just one question: when did American Apparel start sponsoring America's Next Top Model?

America's Next Top Model - Wednesdays at 8pm on the CW

Yodlee Why?

I do not own any American Eagle dresses. This is striking because I have been shopping there since the first store opened in LA eight years ago. However, I have not once bought a dress from them, as their dresses often suffer from a terrible case of Too-Small-For-My-Rack-itis.



That's not even close to the top of my list of issues I have with this dress.

Let's start with the fact that it gives the model what appears to be the gut of a middle-aged man. This isn't the shape of a young model. This is the shape of a Mike Judge character.



I'm also not a fan of the lederhosen pattern running down the front of the dress. You know what those stripes don't do? Make the model look slimmer. No, they only serve to emphasize that the drop waist isn't fitted properly.

That's the problem, really. The drop waist just isn't fitted right. Under proper circumstances, drop waists are a short-torsoed girl's best friend (I am one, and drop waists can be magical). However, in this case, the proportions are off in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Yes, I realize that it's kind of my job to comment on the proportions, but ... I can't figure it out. It just looks off. Maybe the skirt is too long, maybe the waistband is too thick. Maybe the model has a long torso to begin with, and the dress is not well-suited for her. I'm not sure. But it just looks off.

And finally, there's just not enough boob storage. As I said before, this is a common problem with American Eagle dresses. That holds true in this dress, but with a fun twist: it seems like there's actually a decent amount of coverage on the dress itself. However, because of the lederhosen stripes, the cup is visually cut in half. So even if I can fit my chests into the top, they're just going to warp the lederhosen. And nobody likes warped lederhosen.

AE Print Drop Waist Dress - $44.50

902-Oh No

According to ModCloth, "Named for the actress who played Kelly Kapowski in Saved By the Bell and Valerie Malone in Beverly Hills 90210, this arresting, floral print mini dress by MinkPink makes us long for a 90's fashion renaissance!"



I'm so torn. On the one hand, I have become obsessed with flannel shirts of late, and if not for the fact that I don't have the closet space, I'd buy a pair or two of Docs. After all, we're shaped by the fashions we grew up with, aren't we? God knows, I still consider Alex Mack and Clarissa to be the queens of chic.

But, by the same token, oh my god, the 90s renaissance makes feel so old. I went into Wet Seal the other day, and I swear the clothes were the same as when I first started shopping there. And floral patterns are so overwhelmingly busy. Those are some giant flowers. You can't even tell if the dress is flattering or not, because there's so much going on. Which, yes, is the risk of any pattern, but for some reason, overwhelming floral patterns in particular bother me.

I guess that's my problem with the 90s renaissance - much like with the 80s renaissance, or the 70s, or any plundering of a prior time period by designers - they bring back the tacky. And I don't understand why, other than because they hate us. Because while yes, a floral pattern can work on a floaty skirt, on a skintight dress, it's just ... we made this mistake once already. Do we have to keep repeating it?

ModCloth Tiffani Dress - $62.99

Jane, His Wife

You know how sometimes you'll make a visual connection in your head? Maybe it's just my terrible visual memory. I don't know. Either way, before I started writing this post, had you asked me if this dress was identical to Jane Jetson's, I would have said "Absolutely."



Apparently, I was wrong. I don't know if it was the big collar or what, but even now I'm not convinced that this was just some Jetsons-themed hallucination.



It's not just me, right? If Jane never wore it, at the least, it had to have been in her closet.

Forever 21 Tuxedo Belted Sleeveless Coatdress - $44

Match Point, Simpson

I have tried very, very hard to hate Jessica Simpson's shoe and clothing line. I've actually made a concerted effort to not buy anything from them, because I hated the idea that a pop star had made a decent clothing line - and worse, that Joe Simpson could stand to profit from it. As a rule of thumb, I do not contribute to Joe Simpson's coffers (by the by, apparently today is his birthday - happy birthday, Captain Creeps-Me-Out!).

And you know where that boycott has left me? Without a lot of cute shoes.

I know. I really don't want it to be true, but the girl's hired some great designers. When in a department store shoe section, I've consistently gravitated toward her shoes, realizing with dismay that the really cute concealed platform heels are Jessica Simpson's, and therefore not allowed to come home with me.

Ultimately, though, I could live with that. I don't wear heels all that often, so it's not like I need that many.

But now, she's making dresses.



And some of them have a retro, Mad Men-esque silhouette. Like this one. Which is covered in tiny flowers. But not in an abrasive way. In a cute, springy, whimsical way. With a boatneck and a full skirt.

Dammit.



This dress could have gone so horribly awry - sea foam with a lime green belt. Who in their right mind would combine these two colors? And yet, it works. It works so hard, I'm already wearing this in my mind, and it is magical. I have no idea what shoes you would wear with this, but in my head, I have hemmed this to a few inches above the knee, and I am wearing a matching patent leather headband, and I might or might not actually be Blair Waldorf in my head.




She's wearing Alice & Olivia in both these pictures, but she could have just as easily been wearing the Jessica Simpson dress (if the JS dress were marked up a couple hundred dollars ... the girl does have standards).



Remember how I mentioned the Mad Men silhouettes? Yeah. That.

It's not quite as springy as the other two - it feels heavier, more appropriate for winter. But I love the sparse polka dots, and for once, the beaded neckline actually works for me.

So, fine, Jessica Simpson. You win. I may or may not be feverishly Googling "Jessica Simpson dresses what stores" right now (I don't Google in coherent sentences). And damned if I won't be trying on these dresses the minute I find out what stores carry them.

Just, please, can you give your dad's 20% to whoever actually designed these? Because they deserve the bonus.

Jessica Simpson Belted Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Dropping Daisy Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Tulle Flocked Dress - $138

These Boots Weren't Made For Walking

I'm not a big fan of the peep-toe bootie. So it's not shocking that I would post these.



I'm sure people will wear these, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. For this post, let's ignore the obvious: these are lace-up, with a buckle, hitting around the ankle. I just want to focus on one thing:

These boots would rub your feet wrong in at least four places. The unleather would give you blisters so epic, Grey's Anatomy would do an entire episode based around them. They would base a character on you, and she would be inoffensively quirky, give impassioned speeches with excessive repetition, and she would teach at least one of the doctors a very important lesson that happens to coincide with the doctor's storyline for the week.

And let's be honest: you, or Fictional You, do not need to get anywhere near the insanity of Seattle Grace. It's with that in mind that I suggest you not buy or wear these shoes.

Unless Fictional You ends up with a multi-episode arc, in which case you stand an equally good chance of: hooking up with a main character, dying after touching the lives of each character, or going balls to the wall crazy. Or some combination of the three. I'd say the odds aren't in your favor, but if you want to take the risk, go for it.

But if it ends up on Grey's, I want a "Story By" credit.

Forever 21 Peep Toe Workman Bootie - $34.80

Pi Phi Why?

Several weeks ago, I had at least three people independently send me the Pi Phi Rush Week clothing manual. It was alternately the most flattering thing that's happened in a while, and the most horrifying - on the one hand, they apparently wanted to watch me mock the sisters.

On the other hand, I'm now apparently the go-to person for, "Hey, this is an ugly top." It's the sartorial equivalent of taking a swig of milk, saying "I think this is spoiled," then handing it to your roommate.

That's my totally gracious way of saying, thanks for reading and immediately thinking of the blog when you see something hideous. Please keep sending me stuff ... I will post them eventually, unless I can't figure out how to properly mock it.

Anyway, moving on. In the end, Ivy Gate posted four Pi Phi memos detailing what sorority members can and cannot wear to different functions during Rush Week.

Having read them all, they're pretty much what you would expect if someone a little controlling were running a house full of girls, and they were competing with other houses full of girls for the prettiest/smartest/best freshmen. Basically, "Look like everything a freshman girl would imagine a sorority sister to be, if her only exposure to sororities is movies or television."

In truth, I can't actually mock most of the list, because a lot of it makes sense for their world - don't wear hooker shoes to a daytime function, don't wear ripped pants. It also embodies why I would never, ever, ever be allowed into a sorority.

However, there is one thing that jumped out at me.

Bow Out

When I first saw this, I thought to myself, "Hm. That's a weird dress." Then I realized, to my horror, that no - the giant floppy bow isn't part of the dress at all.



It's an accessory that you can buy separately, then choose to pair with what would otherwise be a perfectly lovely outfit. The giant bow would drive me nuts because I'd feel it under my chin, or my hair would get caught on it all the time.



Why would you throw a heavy black bow onto this? It looks like a cute, light dress. That black bow is the sartorial equivalent of a giant anchor. How come women's magazines always advise you not to wear heels with an ankle strap, but they never warn you about wearing giant black bows with white lacy dresses? Oh, right, because it goes without saying.

But what really kills me is that they could have given the model a perfect Blair Waldorf look by accessorizing with this silver bow pendant, rather than an actual giant bow.



Right? All it's missing is a headband, brightly colored tights, and an awesome eastern European housekeeper/sidekick.

Timo Bowtie Bib in Copper Brown Satin - $65
Timo Bowtie Bib in Black Satin - $71
In God We Trust Cutout Bow - $101

An Addendum On Houndstooth

Hey, remember when a reader found the blog by Googling "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

I said that it would not, and that the reader should go for it.



I just want to point out, for the sake of clarification: skirts. Go for a houndstooth skirt or dress. Do not go for houndstooth skinny pants. Especially not ones made by Avril Lavigne and sold at Kohl's. Because these are bad. These are really, really bad. Kohl's won't even show the back of the pants, they're so unflattering.

So, dear Kentucky reader, these will make you look fat. These will make everyone look fat. These make the mannequin look fat. Don't take it personally. Put on a houndstooth skirt and feel like Blair Waldorf for a day. But for the love of headbands, please don't wear these pants.

Abbey Dawn Houndstooth Skinny Pants - $24

I Choose You, Pokeboob!

What does this top remind me of?



It's so familiar ... I can't quite place it ...



Oh, right. They give your boobs anime eyes. Man, that was driving me crazy.

By the by, never wear this. Or, if you do, don't complain about how no one is making eye contact with you. They're making eye contact, just not with your eyes.

Hollister & Co. Belleflower - $29.50

Don't Be Tardy for the Leopardy*

I will admit, the bulk of my exposure to the "Real Housewives" empire is through The Soup. I have seen the "prostitution whore" clip at least thirty times. So, I'm not an expert on the Real Housewives, but I at least have an associates degree in the subject.



That being said, I'm pretty sure this is what the Real Housewives of New Jersey would thrown on so that their bubbies don't get cold after spin class (which they completed wearing stilettos).

*Yes, I know that's from Real Housewives of Atlanta, but the title amuses me. Stop judging me.

Forever 21 Leopard Zipper Cardigan - $19.80

ModCloth Deserves Some Praise

I was weeding through my many, many tabs tonight, because even Chrome can't handle the number of pages I have open. And, as I sorted through them, I realized something: half of the tabs were for ModCloth's dresses. I realized, I've barely looked at the rest of the site lately, because I've been so absorbed with their dress section. But here's the thing: for all of the awful dresses I've posted, for all the misplaced peplums and mottled sequins, the majority of the dresses are great.

So, in the hopes that others will get to buy the dresses and twirl around feeling pretty, I'm posting some of my favorites (I'm on a shopping embargo, due to not being particularly employed, so I can't buy their entire dress section).

Yeah, there's not a lot of cutting remarks and sarcasm, but there are pretty dresses after the jump.

Brace Yourself

I don't watch a lot of Larry King Live - he asks too many softball questions, and he always seems a little lost whenever interviewing a celebrity who debuted after talkies were introduced.



However, in the event that they ever decide to update the format of the show, I hope that they add some Fly Girl-esque dancers. They can be called the Larry King Live Suspender Ladies, and this can be their costume.

Forever 21 Sequin Suspender Skirt - $19.80

Wocka Wocka!

Forever 21 has been creating tons of new lines lately.



I just didn't realize they were inspired by Fozzie Bear.




Forever21 Shag Bow Front Sweater - $36

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

XOXO, ModCloth

Man, things have been tough for Serena lately. First she spends all summer looking for her biological father, only to be repeatedly rebuffed. When she returns home to New York, her boyfriend Carter reveals that he is in debt to a powerful Texan family, so he agrees to pay off his debts by working on an oil rig. Then, she ends up working for a publicist and has to date one of her clients to keep him in the news. She quits her job and goes to work for married Congressman Tripp Van der Bilt. She promptly begins an affair with him, which ends after he runs their car off the road to avoid hitting a pack of huskies wolves and he moves her into the driver's seat before fleeing the scene.

Like I said. Things have been tough.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone apparently broke into her closet and is selling her wardrobe to ModCloth. The only thing that makes me think this might not be Serena's dress is that it doesn't show nearly enough cleavage. However, I can definitely see her strutting through Manhattan in a mini-dress with what appear to be shoulder pads from the Intergalactic Football League. These aren't actually shoulder pads, but rather, over decorated t-shirt sleeves. The end result is the same, though.

In a related note, can we please move past this whole shoulder pad resurgence? If you have broad shoulders, you can't wear them. And if you don't - come on. You're not fooling anyone with these things.

ModCloth Fashion Chalet Dress - $62.99