Joust Kidding

My friend Sarah is the writer of the incredibly smart entertainment/media blog But They Didn't Ask Me. I suggest you go read her post on kids shows immediately, especially if you grew up watching old school Nickelodeon.

She somehow found time to send along this delightfully pointless dress.



I've never thought of chainmail as an embellishment, but apparently, it's more widespread than just Ren Faires.

I think what gets me about this, other than the general impracticality of it (when what is the purpose of a minidress with chainmail on it? What purpose does it serve?) is the fact that there is no way this can not look cheap. It's Forever 21 using metal embellishments. When has that ever ended well?

I guess you can buy this if you're big into Ren Faires and want to look like a slutty knight ... they have those, right?

Forever 21 Chainmail Bust Mini Dress - $15.99

Mis-fits

Ruching requires careful execution, especially when you're using a delicate, shiny fabric like satin or charmeuse.



If it's not done well, the dress ends up looking cheap and ill-fitting. And if you're going to wear a cheap-looking dress, you might as well save yourself the $330 and buy yourself a $20 dress from Forever 21.

The ruching down the front of the model's body doesn't look stylized, it looks like the dress is pulling because they brought the wrong size. And having layers of small tiers on a tight skirt don't help to create the appearance of a proper fit. Instead, it looks like she's wearing creative sausage casing. Which brings me back to a rule I often exercise when shopping online: if it doesn't look good on the model, odds are it's not going to look any better when you get it home.

Somehow, I don't see this dress defying that rule.

Betsey Johnson Stretch Charmeuse Dress - $174 (was $348)

Truth In Advertising

I have to give Forever 21 credit for not playing coy with the name of this dress.



Some clothing companies would try to give it some cutesy name, but Forever 21 owns it: it's called the "Lace Boudoir Slip Dress," and there is no more perfect name for it.

Except maybe "That Dress Rachel Wore in the Episode of 'Friends' Where She Tried to Seduce Joshua At His Parents' House." But other than that, which is a rather lengthy title, I can't imagine a name that is more accurate than "Lace Boudoir Slip Dress."

Well done, Forever 21. Well done.

Forever 21 Lace Boudoir Slip Dress - $24

Really, Topshop?

I recently started surfing the Topshop site, thanks to intrepid field reporter Melissa (who will be featured in a later post for her intrepid field reporting). The first day I started looking through the site, I was delighted: it was the perfect mix of awful clothing and amazing clothing, so I didn't feel like it was too easy a target. But as I flipped through the different tabs I had opened, I had to check the url to make sure this dress did in fact come from Topshop and not Forever21.



Come on, Topshop. We both know you're better than this. Even your ugliest offerings don't look flat-out cheap. This is what that one girl with the cheap fake hair and frosted lip gloss wears to junior prom, before she gets totally wasted on schnapps and throws up in the limo.

I even surfed through the Forever 21 site, just to make sure that there wasn't anything similar. I checked Charlotte Russe, Arden B - all my go-tos for tacky evening wear, and nothing.

The fabric looks cheap, the cut looks cheap, the wearer will look cheap. It's not hideous, it's not a train wreck like some of the other dresses I've posted. It's just ... cheap. Which, if that's the look you're going for, power to you. I just think you can achieve it for less than $80.

And they don't even sell the matching stripper shoes to make an outfit out of it.

Topshop Gold Panel Bodycon Dress - $80

Three Dresses of Varying Degrees of Ugly

Again, Forever 21 offers a plethora of unattractive dresses.

This dress is called the "Ready or Not" dress. I believe the origins of the name stem from the fact that the stitching on the cups create the illusion of eyes. It's like your rack is getting ready to play hide and seek with good taste!

I mentioned a rule in an earlier post about not wearing anything that looks unflattering on the mannequin. The same applies for if it looks bad on the model. This is wrong in so many ways: the ill-fitting bodice, the weirdly spaced armhole, the shapeless skirt, the bubble hem. This is what you make in a Home Ec class.

And from behind, the bubble hem/shapeless skirt combination manages to give the girl a pear shape while simultaneously hiding any semblance of an ass. That is a feat in and of itself.

Admittedly, it's not as bad in the always vibrant black/taupe combination. That doesn't mean the dress is a good idea, though, by any stretch of the imagination. And, the dress still makes you completely shapeless. Worse still, in this picture, it creates the illusion of pantaloons.

This I include only because I'm pretty sure that it's what Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas" would wear if Halloweentown were hit with a sudden heat wave.

Forever 21 Ready Or Not Slip Dress

Forever 21 Bubble Empire Dress

Forever 21 Mixed Print Maxi Dress