FLOTUS

Remarkably stylish First Lady Michelle Obama has worn dresses by Thakoon several times in the past few years.



While surfing the dress section of ShopBop, I came across this Thakoon dress.

Is it wrong that I really, really want to see her wear this?

It's one of those dresses that exists solely for the runway, and the mental image of Michelle Obama sweeping into a room wearing it fills me with the kind of joy that only serves to remind me that yes, I am that easily amused.

Thakoon Draped Tidal Dress - $2,790

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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

Just Call Me Grumpy Bear

I always find it hardest to dress for spring. The weather shifts back and forth, it's warm in the sun but freezing in the shade, all your warm weather clothes are still packed away and you don't feel like going through it all.



And because of the flow of air currents, sometimes your upper midriff gets hot while your arms are freezing.



Don't give me that look, ShopBop Model Who Kind of Looks Like Amanda Peet. I'm just saying, the long sleeves and bare midriff make me wonder if you've got some weird heating issues.

Ooh, unless you're a Care Bear and you don't want to limit your abilities to participate in a good Care Bear Stare. In which case, ignore everything I've said about body temperature. It all makes sense now.

Porter Grey Tie Waist Shirtdress with Cutout - $385

J.Crew Can't Jump

Oh, J. Crew. A jumpsuit in your spring line? Really? Did you have to go there?



I mean, yes, at least this one seems to be fitted to the model, so that's a plus. And it's not baggy in weird places. But they still remind me of long johns, and I can't imagine they're practical. Do you get totally undressed when you have to use the restroom? Or do you just not drink anything all day long? Because, really, I think that's kind of unsafe as the temperature rises.



From behind, these look like really expensive coveralls. If I were making a movie right now about a rich girl who has to do manual labor, like house painting, she would totally wear this while doing it. Then the guy she's working with would roll his eyes and tease her about it, because he can't stand entitled, snobby girls, but in the end it would turn out that he loves her for who she is, with or without her money.

Hm. Does Reese Witherspoon still play ditsy? If not, what's Isla Fischer up to? I've got a jumpsuit for them to wear, and a blockbuster hit on my hands.

J.Crew Silk Linen Jumpsuit - $148

A Sign of Things To Come

Hey, guys, great news! Apparently, clogs are coming back! Yes, that's right, those slouchy clog monstrosities weren't a fluke. They're harbingers of what is to come.

And what is to come?

A little something I like to call .... THE ACLOGALYPSE!



Says Glamour.com fashion editor Susan Cernek, “We’ve seen Mary Janes for the past 10 years. And the same with strappy sandals. But clogs haven’t been in fashion for 10 years — and chances are, you don’t already have a pair in your closet.”

Hey, Susan, ever wonder why we've seen Mary Janes and strappy sandals for the past 10 years? Because they're awesome. Because they're reliable. Because these exist:

And do I even need to go into why the strappy sandal is a classic? I don't think anyone has ever, in their right mind, looked at a floaty, summery dress, and thought "I can wear it with my clogs!" Not once has a woman paired her best dress with clogs. No, strappy sandals are an old standby, and that is why we've seen them for the past ten years.

Honestly, was anyone getting sick of Mary Janes or the strappy sandal? Was there a clunky void that needed to be filled? Was there a mass outcry that I missed? Riots in the streets? Who, exactly, has been demanding the return of the clog, other than the Dutch, who -

Oh my god. That's it. The Dutch.

In these troubled economic times, the Dutch economy is expected to grow by 2%. Coincidence? Or evidence of a Dutch-led conspiracy to foist clogs, their main export, upon the American public?

I think I'm on to something here. This could be huge.

Does Glenn Beck know about this? Or Keith Olbermann? Because this seems right up their alley.



Stuart Weitzman Hiptown - $355 $242.82
Betsey Johnson Calandra - $154
Gabriella Rocha Dancy - $69.95
Steven by Steve Madden Durann Open Toe Clog - $149.95
Steve Madden Redlite Clog - $99.95

On Pajama Jeans

So, apparently, Pajama Jeans exist.

That's right. Pajama jeans. They look like jeans but feel like pajamas! How is that not everything you've ever dreamed of and more?



They've already received a ton of press. Recently, they were featured on AOL's Stylist blog, in an article titled: Pajama Jean Confessions: I Wore Them to Fashion Week. The writer tries to convince us that not only did she wear these to Fashion Week, but she received compliments on them. I suppose the idea isn't so outlandish - after all, having seen some of the things the fashion community puts out, it's hard to be truly shocked by what they like these days.

All the same, I don't get it. I'm ashamed to admit that, until I found a Glamour.com blog on the subject, I hadn't even thought of these as jeggings. I was so fooled into the marketing that I genuinely thought of Pajama Jeans as a unique product. But no, the Glamour blog is right: these are bootcut jeggings, marketed to moms and bloggers. The difference is solely in the marketing. While jeggings are what you wear if you're "fashion-forward" (supposedly), Pajama Jeans are what you wear when you're trying to break free of the fashion rat race.

Because, obviously, fashion is supposed to be uncomfortable. Jeans are an eternal struggle. I mean, come on. Haven't you read Cathy? Women and jeans are mortal enemies, like mega sharks and giant octopi. Remember, until Pajama Jeans, the only way to be fashionable was to dress like Lady Gaga.



Thank god for Pajama Jeans, right? Finally, we have a way to be fashionable that doesn't require wearing a top made of Muppets. And that seems downright practical when compared to the torture chamber known as jeans.

Oh, wait. Sorry, I confused jeans with skintight leather pants. My bad. Skintight leather pants are torturous, jeans are widely known for their comfort and ease of use.

When I saw Pajama Jeans for the first time, my initial thought was: "more comfortable jeans aren't necessary, nor are pajamas that can be worn in public." But these arguments just seem so absurdly obvious, it feels unnatural to have to state them. And yet, here I am, arguing it in the face of Pajama Jeans.

I love my jeans. As I write this, I'm sitting on my bed, wearing jeans. Until seeing Pajama Jeans, it never occurred to me that this might be unusual. Is it? Is it so peculiar, that I find jeans to be comfortable enough to wear both around the house and out in public? Am I to believe that, out of all these jeans, not a single pair will be comfortable?

I have spent hours musing upon Pajama Jeans, and the trend toward "clothes that look like jeans but aren't." I'm desperately trying to figure this fashion movement out. And there's only one question I keep coming back to:

When did jeans stop being good enough?

No, seriously. When did we decide that the blessing of denim needed to be improved upon? What's next - the wheel?

Whenever we, as a society, try to find a replacement for a staple, it ends up being bad for us. We replaced butter with margarine, and look where that got us (other than a lot of entertaining Fabio commercials). We've subbed out sugar in favor of high fructose corn syrup, and no good has come of that. When the world becomes overpopulated, we switch from real meats and produce to Soylent Green wafers, and I'll let Mr. Heston tell you how that one ended (spoiler alert!)

No good comes of eschewing a staple for an imitation, and no good will come of the jeggings/Pajama Jeans trend. Our children will look at pictures of us in ten years and laugh, the same way we laughed at our parents for their massive shoulder pads and permed hair. We, as a fashion community, will come to regret the day that we decided jeans just weren't good enough. But by then, I fear it may be too late.

So sport your jeggings, regardless of the fact that they're too tight on you and your shirt isn't long enough to cover your camel toe. Wear your Pajama Jeans to work, claiming no one can tell the difference even though they totally can.

But, as you pull up the elastic waist of your Pajama Jeans, know that you're destroying so much of what makes this country great: that no matter what you're doing, no matter where you're going, jeans always work. Not jeggings, not Pajama Jeans, not whatever freakish permutation emerges next. Jean - real denim jeans - will always be appropriate.

Pajama Jeans - $39.95

Boop Who?

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.



Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

The Super Squad

A few years ago, I created a team of super heroes named "The Super Squad." They had very specific, very useless powers. One of these characters was named "Stomach Face." This is a quick drawing I did in MS Paint, to give you a general idea of what he looked like.



Essentially: his face is on his stomach.



It seems American Apparel had a similar idea. Except, instead of a super hero, their version of Stomach Face just is the face of a (possibly) dead performance artist/comedian.

Just out of curiosity: on what occasion would one wear such a shirt?

American Apparel Unisex Mad Andy Poly-Cotton Short Sleeve Crew Neck - $18

Costume Idea #16: And Now It's Stuck In Your Head

Every so often, I remember with horror that the 90s were 10 years ago. This is horrifying to me because I'm starting to understand why my dad regularly says, of classic rock songs, "Doesn't this sound like it could have been made this year?" When I was younger, I would often agree so as to not be a terrible child. But now, I actually get it, because "Genie In a Bottle" is almost eleven years old. And that is, at best, unnerving.

So, if you're feeling nostalgic this Halloween, why not go as Christina Aguilera from the video? Anthropologie's made it a lot easier for everyone by selling these bright orange, totally wearable pants, for a perfectly reasonable price of $78.



Sure, it's a little expensive for a pair of orange cotton pants, but really - what wouldn't you pay to look this cool while singing thinly veiled euphemisms for a dude groping you while dancing?



My point exactly.

Anthropologie Trail Trotter Crops - $78

902-Oh No

According to ModCloth, "Named for the actress who played Kelly Kapowski in Saved By the Bell and Valerie Malone in Beverly Hills 90210, this arresting, floral print mini dress by MinkPink makes us long for a 90's fashion renaissance!"



I'm so torn. On the one hand, I have become obsessed with flannel shirts of late, and if not for the fact that I don't have the closet space, I'd buy a pair or two of Docs. After all, we're shaped by the fashions we grew up with, aren't we? God knows, I still consider Alex Mack and Clarissa to be the queens of chic.

But, by the same token, oh my god, the 90s renaissance makes feel so old. I went into Wet Seal the other day, and I swear the clothes were the same as when I first started shopping there. And floral patterns are so overwhelmingly busy. Those are some giant flowers. You can't even tell if the dress is flattering or not, because there's so much going on. Which, yes, is the risk of any pattern, but for some reason, overwhelming floral patterns in particular bother me.

I guess that's my problem with the 90s renaissance - much like with the 80s renaissance, or the 70s, or any plundering of a prior time period by designers - they bring back the tacky. And I don't understand why, other than because they hate us. Because while yes, a floral pattern can work on a floaty skirt, on a skintight dress, it's just ... we made this mistake once already. Do we have to keep repeating it?

ModCloth Tiffani Dress - $62.99

Kooshy Shoes

It's weird - sometimes, a thought will randomly pop into my head (like, "I wonder what the Green Power Ranger is up to these days?"), and then the question will be answered a day or two later by someone else (my friend posting that he is apparently now an MMA fighter).

Likewise, just the other day, I was wondering to myself, "What did they do with all those koosh balls from the Rosie O'Donnell Show?"



And now, I have my answer. Gwen Stefani's using them on sandals.



ModCloth Harajuku Lovers Holla Slingbacks - $47.99

Match Point, Simpson

I have tried very, very hard to hate Jessica Simpson's shoe and clothing line. I've actually made a concerted effort to not buy anything from them, because I hated the idea that a pop star had made a decent clothing line - and worse, that Joe Simpson could stand to profit from it. As a rule of thumb, I do not contribute to Joe Simpson's coffers (by the by, apparently today is his birthday - happy birthday, Captain Creeps-Me-Out!).

And you know where that boycott has left me? Without a lot of cute shoes.

I know. I really don't want it to be true, but the girl's hired some great designers. When in a department store shoe section, I've consistently gravitated toward her shoes, realizing with dismay that the really cute concealed platform heels are Jessica Simpson's, and therefore not allowed to come home with me.

Ultimately, though, I could live with that. I don't wear heels all that often, so it's not like I need that many.

But now, she's making dresses.



And some of them have a retro, Mad Men-esque silhouette. Like this one. Which is covered in tiny flowers. But not in an abrasive way. In a cute, springy, whimsical way. With a boatneck and a full skirt.

Dammit.



This dress could have gone so horribly awry - sea foam with a lime green belt. Who in their right mind would combine these two colors? And yet, it works. It works so hard, I'm already wearing this in my mind, and it is magical. I have no idea what shoes you would wear with this, but in my head, I have hemmed this to a few inches above the knee, and I am wearing a matching patent leather headband, and I might or might not actually be Blair Waldorf in my head.




She's wearing Alice & Olivia in both these pictures, but she could have just as easily been wearing the Jessica Simpson dress (if the JS dress were marked up a couple hundred dollars ... the girl does have standards).



Remember how I mentioned the Mad Men silhouettes? Yeah. That.

It's not quite as springy as the other two - it feels heavier, more appropriate for winter. But I love the sparse polka dots, and for once, the beaded neckline actually works for me.

So, fine, Jessica Simpson. You win. I may or may not be feverishly Googling "Jessica Simpson dresses what stores" right now (I don't Google in coherent sentences). And damned if I won't be trying on these dresses the minute I find out what stores carry them.

Just, please, can you give your dad's 20% to whoever actually designed these? Because they deserve the bonus.

Jessica Simpson Belted Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Dropping Daisy Dress - $128
Jessica Simpson Tulle Flocked Dress - $138

WTF KFC

I can think of only one situation in which this present would be an appropriate gift.



If you know a man who is related to, or a fan of, Colonel Sanders.

Of course, that's a very, very small niche, so I guess the makers of this tie expect other people to buy it. Which is absurd, because seriously, when is this an appropriate accessory? When has anyone, other than the Colonel, ever looked at their shirt and thought, "What I'm missing is a Western Tie"? Even the model looks unhappy to be wearing it, and he's getting paid.

Timo Western Tie in Black & White Polka Dots - $60

Not Taylor-Made

I can't help it: I love Taylor Swift. Her music is ridiculously catchy, she's got pretty hair, she's eleven feet tall but wears high heels anyway, and she loves sparkley dresses. I might or might not have had a dream the other night that I was performing at a "We Are The World" kind of concert, and before going onstage, I told her to check out my blog because I've written about her.

Upon looking back, it turns out I've only mentioned her once, but whenever I write about sequins, I have her in mind.

Anyway, back on topic.

So, as I was saying, I can't help but like Taylor Swift. I've tried, because my heart is a cold, dark wasteland.



I appreciate that ModCloth has named a dress after Taylor Swift (although, seriously, where's the dress named after my blog? I'm waiting ...). And I can sort of understand their thought process: she is a country/pop singer, so it's not totally illogical that they went with plaid for the name. I'm not a fan of the dress itself, but had they used this fabric for a pair of shorts or a button-down, I would have really liked the fabric and ignored it completely.

However, it's a travesty - that's right, a travesty - that they would give give Taylor Swift's name to a dress so lacking in all things sparkley and shiny.

And on that note:



ModCloth The Taylor Dress - $59.99

A Harry Escape

Come one, come all, to see the great Shopbop Magical Model escape from this skirt!



She scoffs at the challenge.



Houdini's straight jacket trick is no match for her! She'll do him one better - escape from the skirt in heels. But how does she do it? What is her trick? Dare she reveal it?



Of course. The old "full-length zipper in the back" trick. I should have guessed.

Madison Marcus Resist Skirt - $325

Please Stop Avril Before Someone Gets Hurt

I ... so ... these are real.



People. These pants are real. They once sold for $50. Kohl's seems to think that they'll sell for $20.

They have zigzags in black and white. With random bursts of color. I have a migraine just from trying to get my eyes to focus. Can you imagine these in motion? They'd be seizure-inducing. People would fall victim to your legs as you walk down the street.



I don't know why I even posted the back - it's not as if these pants are going to get any better from behind. I guess I posted them to convince myself that these are real, because I have a naive hope that they're a very early April Fools joke.

But no. These are actually pants that are for sale. That someone, somewhere - some misguided teen who actually thinks that Kohls is the official retailer for punk - has purchased these.

If you see a teen on the street wearing these pants, take them under your wing. Play some Ramones for them. Explain that this is punk. Explain that Complicated is not. Show them that punk is not just wearing a tie.

And, for the love of God, buy them some solid pants so that you can, together, burn these abominations.

Abbey Dawn Zigzag Skinny Pants - $19.20

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.



Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.



Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

Costume Ideas #15: Like a Virgin

If you have an 80s party coming up, or you just like to start planning your Halloween costume ten months in advance, here's a suggestion:



Madonna.

I can't think of a single other use for this top. This top was designed solely for the purpose of dressing up as Madonna. Its life dream is to be worn with a belt that says "BOY TOY."

So go forth. Go forth and wear lace fingerless gloves. Crimp your hair. Let this top's dream become a reality.

Forever 21 Delectable Lace Tier Top - $22.80

Don't Be Tardy for the Leopardy*

I will admit, the bulk of my exposure to the "Real Housewives" empire is through The Soup. I have seen the "prostitution whore" clip at least thirty times. So, I'm not an expert on the Real Housewives, but I at least have an associates degree in the subject.



That being said, I'm pretty sure this is what the Real Housewives of New Jersey would thrown on so that their bubbies don't get cold after spin class (which they completed wearing stilettos).

*Yes, I know that's from Real Housewives of Atlanta, but the title amuses me. Stop judging me.

Forever 21 Leopard Zipper Cardigan - $19.80

Thigh High Class

Have you ever been walking the streets and thought, "Man, I wish I could have worn my favorite pair of heels, but they're just not work-appropriate?"



Bebe has you covered. With these leatherette snap-on thigh highs, you can transform your favorite pair of heels into street walker-chic thigh highs. Now there are two women it's worked out for: Cinderella ... and you.

Bebe Leatherette Thigh High "Boot" Stirrup - $69