Ole?

Wow. There is a whole lot of pattern happening here.



So, odds are, we should expect to see it on Vanessa wearing it on Gossip Girl some time before the end of the season.

ModCloth Piñata Leggings - $37.99

If you like Gossip Girl fashions, check out the other blog I sometimes write for, You Know You Love Fashion.

MacModel!

You can thank Leilani G. for sending this one to me.

According to the ModCloth website:

For the fierce, iconic supermodel in all of us, these chic sandals by 80%20 show the world you're ready for anything!

It's true - these sandals perfectly convey "I'm ready for anything - I can even MacGyver a pair of shoes out of scraps of suede, leather, and a wooden plank."

And now, I'll be singing the MacGruber theme song all night, except with these lyrics:

MacModel!
Making questionable footwear out of excess bits of fabric.
MacModel!
Wearing them with jumpsuits because Lucky said it looks good.
MacModel!
I question her sartorial judgement.
MacModel!

ModCloth Model Logic Sandal - $114.99

Fight or Flight

Somtimes, I'm presented with something so mind-boggling, I just leave it open in a browser for days on end, staring at it.

I have been staring at these swimsuits for over a week, and I still don't know what to say.



Maybe it's just me, but when I look for a swimsuit, I generally try to find cute prints in bright colors. Something fun, something whimsical. Something that doesn't, in the words of my friend Sarah, "look like a scene from Vietnam."

In case you're not as much of a ModCloth obsessive as I am, that is indeed the chin of the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth. And indeed, she is living up to her title, as she's been saddled with these two gems. Seriously, look at the swimwear department. There are less flattering swimsuits, but nothing more absurd. And, if we could only see her face, I feel like she could have sold me on these. Look at the head tilt in this picture, combined with the sassy hand on hip.

It's as if she's saying to us, "Go ahead. Hum Ride of the Valkyries whenever you see me in this. I don't care. Because this is the swimsuit I have chosen, and if given enough time, you will be worn down."



I have my doubts, though, about whether or not I'll be worn down. I mean, this is a swimsuit with the image of a horse galloping across the desert. Where was the thought process while designing this? Who, when they sat there thinking of images to throw on a bathing suit, naturally gravitated toward "pony?"

To its credit, it shows a remarkable depth of field for, y'know, a swimsuit. I kind of wish it came with 3-D glasses, so that I could hand the glasses to people and then move back and forth, like the horse is running. No, wait, I totally don't, because I wouldn't wear the swimsuit equivalent of the maxi dress with the horse head on it.



I especially like how the gravel creates texture on the butt (or at least, it would on normal women who aren't models). Because, if there's one body part you want to texturize, it's the butt. Women are always saying to themselves "My butt looks too smooth, if only it had a more pitted, uneven appearance." Every summer, Star Magazine runs at least two spreads on who in Hollywood has the worst case of smooth, even butts. I'm so glad someone is finally addressing such a widespread figure flaw.

Look, I'm not saying these aren't original. They are. They're very, very original. But, as I learned from getting my degree in screenwriting, original doesn't always mean "good."

ModCloth Twilight Flight Swimsuit - $169.99
ModCloth Ride the Wave Swimsuit - $169.99

A Threat to Bad Taste

Hello,

Thanks for providing us with additional information. However, after
thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into
consideration, we've re-confirmed that your account poses a significant
risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we're unable to reinstate your
account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions
we've taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more
information by visiting
https://www.google.com/adsense/support/bin/answer.py?answer=57153 .

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

I woke up this morning to an email from Google telling me my AdSense account has been suspended. AdSense was the way I had planned on getting revenue from the site (and, over the last five months, it's earned me about $40 from your ad clicks - I'll never see the check now, but I really appreciate that you guys clicked the ads).

I appealed the decision, but this was the response they sent me. So, that sucks. Anyone know any other advertising services I can use?

Here's the thing I want to stress: this blog is meant in good humor. I wouldn't post about any of these sites if I didn't surf them regularly because I like their clothes. I've posted repeatedly about stuff I like. As several of my friends can attest to, I was downright giddy when I saw ModCloth had commented for the first time, because I have nothing but respect for the people who work there - even if I do post about them a lot.

And I do. I post about them regularly, because I'm on their site all the time. If I weren't unemployed and sharing a tiny closet with a guy who owns more clothes than I do, I'd be buying frilly dresses from them.

I know I'm not the only one, either. And I know that at least a couple of you have started going to ModCloth because I've posted about it here. I'm guessing that, when I post about a terrible shirt at Forever 21, at least a handful of you head over there and end up surfing through the site, because no press is bad press.

I'm not saying the clothes spontaneously combust; I'm not saying the retailers overcharge. I'm just saying that sometimes, they sell ugly clothes. I doubt that anyone here has not bought something I've posted, purely because I posted it. And if you have - well, I'm shocked that I have that much power over someone, because no one should ever listen to me about anything.

I'm just frustrated, because the last thing I want is to be considered malicious. By taking away my AdSense account, that's what Google's decided I am, and that kind of sucks. They also banned my account on my other blog, C-List Actors Save Us All. So, like I said before: anyone know a good advertising service?

I don't write the thing for ad revenue, I write it because people actually read it. It just sucks because it feels like the blog was picking up steam, and now it's just been kicked in the shins.

Thanks for reading. Seriously.

- Amanda

Bouquet Taupe

Maybe it's just me, but in many cases, the names given to ModCloth dresses don't seem to match what they actually look like.



For example, this is called the "In The Limelight Dress." When I saw it linked on Twitter, I expected it to be either a) green, b) sparkly, or c) worthy of a red carpet. Personally, I think it looks like it's from the 80s, and not in the good retro way.



This, on the other hand, is one of those cases where the name perfectly suits the dress. Because this is a bridesmaid's dress. I mean, yes, it's a little drab, but it's a perfectly nice dress, and the point stands. This is a bridesmaid's dress, plain and simple.

Although, I have to say, this part of the description is just absurd: "When the time comes for the highly anticipated bouquet toss, you hang back for a few, admiring the joyful aura of your newly wed pal from afar. She looks back, catches your eye, and smiles widely while silently mouthing, "I love your dress!""

One of my best friends got married almost a year ago (early happy anniversary, Ava and Joe!). If she, at any point during the wedding, had taken notice of my dress, I would have smacked her upside the head and told her to get her head back in the game and focus.

ModCloth In the Limelight Dress - $79.99
ModCloth Bouquet Toss Dress in Banquet Hall - $67.99

Mass and Volume

Someone designed this.



Someone designed this with the intent of it being worn on the human frame. On the bodies of all sorts of different women. Because, that had to have been the plan. To design a dress with the intention of no one wearing it is a bad business model.

According to the ModCloth website, "Despite its unreal amount of volume, however, this fun little piece still flatters the feminine form, thanks to its hidden side zipper and back sash tie."

Look, they've seen it in person. So maybe there's something I'm missing; a subtlety I have yet to pick up on. But, in my years of dress shopping, never once has a side zipper and back sash tie made a dress with two layers of hoop skirt magically flattering. It's not even that flattering on the mannequin, and you can stick pins directly into a mannequin to get the perfect fit.

I'd actually love this fabric as an a-line, so it would have a sort of 50s school dance feel to it. As opposed to what it currently has, which is "Mrs. Potts summers at the country castle."

ModCloth Pump Up the Volume Dress - $74.99

AnthropomorphShorts

Okay. I need to know if it's just me.



Does anyone else see a face here? I feel like these shorts would fit right in with the rest of these inanimate, sad-looking objects.



Alternately, I guess you could think of it like a polo shirt for your hips. Because, admit it. You know your hips have been dying to try a popped collar.

ModCloth Brand New Waist Shorts - $89.99

902-Oh No

According to ModCloth, "Named for the actress who played Kelly Kapowski in Saved By the Bell and Valerie Malone in Beverly Hills 90210, this arresting, floral print mini dress by MinkPink makes us long for a 90's fashion renaissance!"



I'm so torn. On the one hand, I have become obsessed with flannel shirts of late, and if not for the fact that I don't have the closet space, I'd buy a pair or two of Docs. After all, we're shaped by the fashions we grew up with, aren't we? God knows, I still consider Alex Mack and Clarissa to be the queens of chic.

But, by the same token, oh my god, the 90s renaissance makes feel so old. I went into Wet Seal the other day, and I swear the clothes were the same as when I first started shopping there. And floral patterns are so overwhelmingly busy. Those are some giant flowers. You can't even tell if the dress is flattering or not, because there's so much going on. Which, yes, is the risk of any pattern, but for some reason, overwhelming floral patterns in particular bother me.

I guess that's my problem with the 90s renaissance - much like with the 80s renaissance, or the 70s, or any plundering of a prior time period by designers - they bring back the tacky. And I don't understand why, other than because they hate us. Because while yes, a floral pattern can work on a floaty skirt, on a skintight dress, it's just ... we made this mistake once already. Do we have to keep repeating it?

ModCloth Tiffani Dress - $62.99

Secret Agent Amanda

I have a very active imagination. For some reason, it's worse when I'm walking places. If I'm walking somewhere, I will think up this whole other plot line about my life. More often than not, I am a super-spy in it. Because who doesn't have a little bit of Bond in them?



If I owned this trench coat, I'm pretty sure I actually would be a super-spy. If I were on my way to class and a Russian agent jumped out at me, I'd disarm them without even dropping my bookbag.

Essentially: There's no way you can not be a badass in this coat.

ModCloth En-Trenched With Style Coat - $72.99

Kooshy Shoes

It's weird - sometimes, a thought will randomly pop into my head (like, "I wonder what the Green Power Ranger is up to these days?"), and then the question will be answered a day or two later by someone else (my friend posting that he is apparently now an MMA fighter).

Likewise, just the other day, I was wondering to myself, "What did they do with all those koosh balls from the Rosie O'Donnell Show?"



And now, I have my answer. Gwen Stefani's using them on sandals.



ModCloth Harajuku Lovers Holla Slingbacks - $47.99

This Looks Familiar

Man, this is a great idea.



It's about time someone took people to task on the ugly clothes that stores try to sell us.



Someone should totally make a website about it or something.

Also, the "Fashion Citation Notepad"? Hey, ModCloth Naming Committee - you're on notice.

ModCloth Fashion Citation Notepad - $4.99

A Positive Coat

Occasionally, I see something I like so much, I have to post it.



This is one of those times. I would wear this coat so hard, my other jackets would get jealous. I might or might not make it the background of my computer, I love it so much. My only regret is that it's a coat, and not a sleeveless minidress, because if I could remove the sleeves and make it in a cotton fabric, I would cuddle with it at night and carry it around like a security blanket.

That's how much I love this coat.

ModCloth Heartfelt Coat - $79.99

Pleasant Pheasant

Recently, The Hardest Working Model at ModCloth found her way to the blog. This was very exciting, if for no other reason than because it meant she was a real person, and not some hallucination I'd willed up to entertain myself while looking at some of ModCloth's more unusual offerings.

I also worried, though, that any subsequent posts I made about her and her superheroic abilities to wear strange headgear might seem like pandering. It has, at times, been harder to post about ModCloth, knowing that they read all blogs that mention their site. After all, it's one thing when you're shouting bitchery into the e-byss, it's a whole other bag of nuts* when you know it's actually being read.



Then I saw this picture, and any concerns I had were assuaged. Because the Hardest Working Model at ModCloth is wearing a feathered headband, like a little demi-tribal headdress.

This should be total and utter madness. This headband should be one of those "Wait, really?" moments, where you wonder if the design team is playing a trick on us. But she is so calm, so composed while wearing it, I'm lulled into submission. I accept that of course one would wear a headband covered in feathers. Why not? That seems perfectly reasonable, now that you mention it.

After all, are feathers really so much stranger than anything else we put in our hair? Sometimes, I'll put a fabric-covered rubber band in. A rubber band! By comparison, a feathered headdress seems downright normal, doesn't it?

Dammit. Her serene smile and easy confidence have lured me in once again.

*Yeah, I don't think "bag of nuts" is an expression, but I really like it, so I'm going to start using it in day to day conversation.

ModCloth Pleasant Pheasant Headband - $17.99

Not Taylor-Made

I can't help it: I love Taylor Swift. Her music is ridiculously catchy, she's got pretty hair, she's eleven feet tall but wears high heels anyway, and she loves sparkley dresses. I might or might not have had a dream the other night that I was performing at a "We Are The World" kind of concert, and before going onstage, I told her to check out my blog because I've written about her.

Upon looking back, it turns out I've only mentioned her once, but whenever I write about sequins, I have her in mind.

Anyway, back on topic.

So, as I was saying, I can't help but like Taylor Swift. I've tried, because my heart is a cold, dark wasteland.



I appreciate that ModCloth has named a dress after Taylor Swift (although, seriously, where's the dress named after my blog? I'm waiting ...). And I can sort of understand their thought process: she is a country/pop singer, so it's not totally illogical that they went with plaid for the name. I'm not a fan of the dress itself, but had they used this fabric for a pair of shorts or a button-down, I would have really liked the fabric and ignored it completely.

However, it's a travesty - that's right, a travesty - that they would give give Taylor Swift's name to a dress so lacking in all things sparkley and shiny.

And on that note:



ModCloth The Taylor Dress - $59.99

Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.



This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

Crazy Eyes

I've often sung the praises of the ModCloth hat model, the hardest working model they have. She normalizes even the most absurd hats with a serene look and an impressive dose of smize.

If models are superheroes, then I think this model is her arch-nemesis.



This is Crazy Eyes the eDress Me Model. Her superpower is a stare that burrows deep into your soul and scares the crap out of you.



No, seriously. That is the unblinking stare of the unbalanced. I can't even focus on the dress she's wearing, because I'm afraid to look away. Although, does she draw her powers from the giant headband wrapped around her forehead? That's the only reasonable explanation I can find for why she's wearing a giant headband with most of the dresses.



Oh, thank god, she's finally looked away. This dress actually isn't too bad; the first one appears to be the worst of the three. But it's really hard to get to past the crazy eyes to actually examine the dresses. This is one of those cases where the model just takes away from the dress, because she's so totally the focus of the pictures.

And now I'm kind of afraid she's going to come after me. On the up side, I have enough guy friends who are drawn to the crazy that I can probably distract her with a good-looking hipster.



Oh no, she's looking back at me, and she doesn't seem happy. Hi, Model With Totally Sane Eyes. I like your bandannas. And your penchant for dramatic poses. Big fan. Really.

Ok, I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can't lie. The only things crazier than your eyes are the poses you strike in those dresses. Hell, that first dress is less crazy-looking than you are, and it's a tie-dyed kimono.

Congratulations. You're crazier than a tie-dyed kimono. That takes a lot of work. Although, in your case, you make it look effortless.

Alberto Makali Tye Dyed Kimono Dress - $197
Alberto Makali Red Cocktail Dress - $219
Alberto Makali Abstract Print Cocktail Dress - $248
Alberto Makali Print Blouse - $98

Search and Tell

I use a stat counter to obsessively check how many pageviews I have (what can I say, I've got an ego). It also records where the page view came from (ie: what page they were linked from). I was checking my stat counter tonight when I saw that a reader found my blog by searching "Will a houndstooth skirt make me look fat?"

No, mysterious reader in Kentucky, no it will not. Okay, I can't guarantee that, but go for it. The worst that happens is, you try on the skirt, it does, and then you don't buy it. Or, you buy it but return it.

In case you don't have any in mind, I found this after a quick search and thought it was cute.



I'm also a big fan of this dress from Modcloth, although it's a little pricey.



Or, if you're really that timid about it, why not try a jacket?





The point, though, is that if you like this skirt enough to run a Google search on whether or not it will make you look fat, you should go for it. Chances are it won't, and you'll probably be so happy wearing it that it won't even matter.

The Limited Clean Cut Miniskirt - $24.99
Modcloth Workweek Wonderful Dress - $106.99
House of Dereon Wool Peacoat - $54.99
KC Collection Women's Houndstooth Coat - $55.99

Hi, Aire!

As some of you know, I was flat-out giddy when Aire over at ModCloth left a comment on the blog. Not that I don't love all my readers, because each one is a special individual snowflake. But it was really cool to know that, at a company I really like, they've read my blog.



That being said, I don't want you thinking I've gone all soft or something. But the truth is, I can't help but like sequins. I love them. They're so shiny. I've professed my love for them many times over in this blog. Yes, the top isn't my style - I'd drown in it and look massive, but hey, it happens. As much as I don't "get" the dress, I can't hate it.

So, all I'm going to say about this dress is that, if Aire actually wears sequins as often as this description claims she does, then she is kind of awesome. Plain and simple.

ModCloth The Aire Dress - $74.99

All Hail the ModCloth Hat Model

I've spoken before about the hardest working model at ModCloth. She diligently and skillfully models a wide variety of hats and headbands. This noble model wears every piece of headgear, no matter how absurd, with absolute conviction. Never once have I seen her in a hat or headband and thought, "Wow, she looks miserable."



She's wearing a hood. Not attached to anything. It's just a hood. And yet, look at her. She seems to be shrugging her shoulder as if to say, "Yeah, I'm wearing a hood and a totally different jacket. What's your point? It's functional. It's fashionable. What do you mean, 'is it?' Of course it is. And even if it weren't, you'd still be wearing one by the end of February, because let's face it, I make it work."

ModCloth, give this girl a raise. Or, at the very least, give her more pictorials, especially with headgear. If your hat sales go up, you'll know who to thank.

ModCloth World On A String Hood - $59.99

Guilty As Charged

I know that my opinions are heavily influenced by my own opinions about my body.



Bearing that in mind, I did try to give this top a fair shot. After all, a non-fitted top like this would be one of the least flattering things possible for me. But, try as I might, the truth is, $73 for a sack with a cinched top is just way too expensive, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, there are girls who can probably make this look flirty and cute, but on me, it will look like I have ripped open the bottom of a flour sack and stuck my head through it. And that would look less like a "guilty pleasure," and more like "crazy lady in an expensive sack who stands near the freeway overpass."

ModCloth Guilty Pleasure Top - $72.99