Fuzzy Memory

Okay. I don't know why, but whenever I look at this dress, all I can think is "Ewok."



I don't know if it's the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It's obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:



Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress - $250

Frill of the Hunt

Oh crap, you guys. Stand very, very still.

I think we've startled the leggings.

Forever 21 Mesh Ruffle Trim Leggings - $24

She's a Fun Gal

You know how denim dresses and ruffles are two of my least favorite things? Forever 21 decided to make my life easier by combining them into one dress!



I'm going to steal from a comment once posted by my friend Holly. She described ruffles as looking like a tree fungus. As far as I'm concerned, she's spot-on.



The Forever 21 description claims that the dress is "sexy on the top and flirty on the bottom," which I think is kind of a stretch. It's a denim dress. It can't really be sexy or flirty. I mean, I guess it can be, but in a very specific, denim-fetishist way.

Or it could just be my denim-prejudice. Which is strong - there will be a post later this week about another crime against jeans.

I'm pretty sure, though, that this dress is pretty wrong, though, even without my stance on denim dresses. Thoughts?

Forever 21 Strapless Denim Ruffle Dress - $29.80

Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.



This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

Billy Ray's Favorite Skirt

Hey guys, look what I found:

Business in the front.



Party in the back!



That's right. This is the mullet of floral skirts.

Forever 21 Ruffle Back Floral Skirt - $28

Mis-fits

Ruching requires careful execution, especially when you're using a delicate, shiny fabric like satin or charmeuse.



If it's not done well, the dress ends up looking cheap and ill-fitting. And if you're going to wear a cheap-looking dress, you might as well save yourself the $330 and buy yourself a $20 dress from Forever 21.

The ruching down the front of the model's body doesn't look stylized, it looks like the dress is pulling because they brought the wrong size. And having layers of small tiers on a tight skirt don't help to create the appearance of a proper fit. Instead, it looks like she's wearing creative sausage casing. Which brings me back to a rule I often exercise when shopping online: if it doesn't look good on the model, odds are it's not going to look any better when you get it home.

Somehow, I don't see this dress defying that rule.

Betsey Johnson Stretch Charmeuse Dress - $174 (was $348)

An Absence of Fit

Reader and Classics Scholar Emily sent this to me; she somehow managed to find time in her studies to surf the Forever 21 site.



Can someone please explain to Forever 21 that they need to stop trying to pass off bad fits as fashionable? This dress is a giant pink sack with some extra fabric tacked on.

Sorry, I just don't believe that the absence of fit qualifies as a style choice. Because that's what this is: the absence of fit. It's not like this is a loose-hanging dress, flapper-style or something. This is a dress that has no fit to it. It's just two panels of fabric sewn together.

The worst part is, I actually really like the ruffle running down the center. I like that it lays flat on itself, and that it only has four folds in it. I even like that it appears to wrap around the neckline - it's not something that I'd wear, but it is interesting. Had this dress been fitted properly, it might not have found its way onto this blog.

But no. Instead, it is a dress that completely lacks any fit. It is the singularity of fit. And for that, this dress is found wanting.

Forever 21 Sculptural Ruffle Dress - $36

No Palette for Pailletes

My first thought about this dress was that it wasn't particularly flattering on the model. I was more than happy, though, to move on, leaving be the dress, its hip-widening powers, and the poor model.



Then, I saw that it came in another color combination.



I'm sorry, but what the hell were they thinking? Giant black pailletes with massive red ruffled sleeves and a ruffled neckline? Who would this be flattering on? Sorry, let me rephrase that: is there anyone out there who could wear this dress without looking like a linebacker? Because I really, really don't see that happening.

Oh, and the pailletes don't even go all the way around, so they're just kind of a big sparkly smock.




Which, on the blue, isn't too bad. But imagine that on the red. You have giant black discs on the front, but on the back, just the remnants of the massive ruffles. I'm sure pailletes aren't particularly expensive, and I doubt that this is carefully hand-crafted. Would it have been so difficult for them to continue the pailletes to the back, just for the sake of continuity?


Forever 21 Sequin Ruffle Dress- $49

Some Mad Plaid

Every time I think, "There is no way I could possibly do another post on a denim jumper with a plaid skirt," Forever 21 designs something else, and I know it's my duty to bring it to all of you.



I should know better by now. It's like how, in cartoons, you never say "Well, at least it can't get any worse." That's like asking for it to spontaneously rain right over your head. Much in the same way, I really shouldn't tempt fate with my declarations about plaid and denim jumpers.



Do there really need to be three tiers of ruffles? Do two not provide the necessary volume to make this completely unflattering? Because I can't imagine that the skirt portion would be more unflattering with fewer tiers. If it were just a skirt, devoid of tiers (I know, crazy talk, but go with me on it), I think it would just look kind of homemade and innocuous.

Look at it on this poor model. It's giving her a bustle. Isn't the point of having a model that she should be bustle-less? That a dress should be flattering, rather than hideous?



Oh, and it comes in black, too. Because sometimes, your blue jean denim just isn't formal enough.

Forever 21 Plaid Denim Jumper Dress - $26.90
A casual jumper dress with a denim upper bodice featuring a sweetheart neckline, buttoned straps, and smocked panels on the back; 12 looped buttons grace the front. The lower portion is soft and flirty, made of 3 tiered ruffles.

Unforgettable in Every Way

The site description suggests that you “be unforgettable” in this sweater. Which, yes, unforgettable is a pretty accurate descriptor.



Because if you wore this, and someone were asked to describe you later, they probably wouldn’t be able to remember what you looked like, but they’d sure as hell remember the giant ruffle running down the middle of your shirt, topped with a big bow. It’s like a little fabric spine on your chest.

It’s too bad, really. The banding with the red and white is kind of cute. If you took the extra fabric off, you would be left with a pretty cute tunic sweater. It might have been a little more forgettable than this number, but it’d be far more wearable.

Forever 21 Color Block Sweater - $26

Mmmmm, Boboli.

Ignoramus that I am, when I read "Boboli," I immediately became hungry, as my first thought was that pizza stuff you can buy at the market.



I didn't realize it was actually the name of a garden. So, thank you ModCloth, for giving me some culture.

I'm still not buying this dress, though, because it has a massive peplum and a cheap elasticized waist. It looks like they stole the waistband from a pair of sweats. Which, yes, comfortable, but if I'm going to wear a comfortable dress, I want it to mask my flaws, rather than draw attention to them with giant hip ruffles.

ModCloth Boboli Gardesn Dress in Nymphaeum - $49.99

Costume Ideas #8: Silk Spectre I

This isn't actually a sarcastic post. I'm actually trying to be helpful here.

No, seriously.

This is Silk Spectre II, and yes, she's super hot, has a sexy latex costume, and perfect hair.

So, every nerd's girlfriend is going to be going as Silk Spectre II this year (from Watchmen, for those of you who aren't giant geeks).

However, no one will be going as her retro-foxy mom, Silk Spectre I (aka, Sally).

Except for you.

All you'll need is a stitch ripper to take the ruffles off the top, one of these two belts (the zip one is more accurate, but I like the gold, it looks more superheroish).

Add some arm-length gloves, a black bustier, a garter belt, and thigh-high fishnets, and you're set.

Forever 21 Shimmer Sleeveless Ruffle Shirt - $19.80
Forever 21 Zip Front Waist Belt - $4.80
Forever 21 Azteca Waist Belt - $7.80

Busted

If this were made by a high-end designer, it would not have shown up on this site.



First of all, because the fabric and quality of the garment would probably be higher, and as a result it wouldn't look cheap. One would hope, anyway.

But second of all, because I'm guessing there'd be more to the dress than just some random petals thrown on the bustline. I actually don't hate the idea - granted, I wouldn't wear it, because the last thing I need to do is add more volume to my chest. However, on a girl with a different shape, it could work.

But that's it. After the petals on the bust, the dress turns right back into a very, very boring tank dress. I'd almost rather see the whole dress have that petal pattern on it, just for the sake of interest. Because once you move past the bustline, this dress is remarkably boring. And that, beyond all else, is the worst thing you can do with clothes. At least if it's hideous, some effort and creativity probably went into it. But if it's boring? That's just laziness.

Forever 21 Petal Bust Dress - $29

A Piece of Work

From the waist up, I love this dress. I love the placket of buttons and the ruching along the waistband. I actually don't even mind the fact that it's blue velvet.



From the waist down, though, that's a whole other story. Those ruffles start, and the widest part of my body somehow manages to become twice as wide. I can only look at that and imagine myself trying to squeeze by someone at a crowded gallery, and, in the process, knocking over everyone in the vicinity. It would be comically, grotesquely large. What starts as an interesting take on a classic silhouette becomes an 80s prom dress.

And strangely, I hate the blue velvet with the ruffles. So, designers, take note: blue velvet with button plackets good, blue velvet with hip ruffles, bad.

ModCloth Blue Period Picasso Dress - $64.99

Torro, Torro!

This dress is a perfect example of something that is great on many, many people, but awful on me. It encapsulates the best case "You Want Me To Wear What?" scenario.



I love yellow dresses. I also love blue prints on yellow backgrounds. It's almost impossible to be unhappy in a yellow dress. If you are unhappy in a yellow dress, you're either a) soulless, or b) a 5 year old who is past her naptime. Yellow dresses have a cheeriness quotient matched only by Rocket Pops and a karaoke version of "Livin' on a Prayer." If you are wearing a yellow dress while eating a Rocket Pop and singing Bon Jovi, congratulations: you have so much serotonin in your system, your blood could be used to make Prozac.

This dress, happy though it may be, would make me look like a linebacker. I have broad shoulders and large breasts. That many ruffles would not be a flattering look on me. In fact, if I were to wear this to the running of the bulls, the bulls would fear my bulky mass. I would be chasing down the bulls, rather than the other way around.

The description on the site includes the following excerpt: "The vibrant, ruffled, button up bust with bubble hemmed, ruffled cap sleeves along with the nipped in, smocked, elasticized waist would have given my skinny form a girlish figure." Which, yes, exactly. If you have a skinny form, congratulations, this dress will look amazing on you. You will want to find a cobblestone street to wander along. That's the kind of potential this dress has. In fact, I strongly recommend that you buy this dress, buy a ticket to France or Spain, and wander the streets for hours in a pair of espadrilles and this dress. Just bring me back some souvenirs, like a cute Parisian.

ModCloth Cafe Pamplona Dress - $52.99

A knockoff of this dress is available at Forever 21, although I don't know how similar the fit is:
Forever 21 Satin Ensemble Dress - $24.99

The Brightest Outfit in the Box

These two pieces create such a remarkably loud outfit, I had to post them.




Could the green top be tempered by a pair of dark jeans? Yes. Could the hot pink leggings work in a vaguely Clarissa Explains It All kind of way? Yes. But where's the fun in that? Pair these with these (not hideous) ankle booties, and you're good to go.



Arden B. Ruffle Front Keyhole Top - $38
Forever 21 Paint Splatter Leggings - $9.80
Forever 21 Heeled Ankle Booties - $27.80

The Iridescent Striped Suit

Look who's back: our old friend, the sassy model.



Yes, that is a matching vest and striped skirt suit she's wearing. Don't act like you've never seen one before.

I like that the skirt has not one, not two, but four tiers, using two different fabrics. It really ties the whole look together, echoing the texture contrasts on the vest. I also like that the vest cuts away at the bottom, in case you want to reveal your finer navel rings or hip tattoos.

I'm pretty sure this is what strippers consider business wear.

Bebe Iridescent Striped Vest - $98
Bebe Iridescent Striped Pleated Skirt - $98

Costume Ideas #2 - Trashy 1950s Character

Halloween is only six weeks away. No idea what you want to be? How about going as a vaguely trashy character from a movie set in the 1950s?



Yes, with just one dress, you too can be Cha Cha DiGregorio.

(in truth, I don't hate this dress, but the giant flamenco ruffle along the side just makes it so costume-y, my first thought was "Hey, they stole that from the slutty "Grease" chick who isn't Rizzo!")

For other costume ideas, see my first post on denim dresses and teen movies.

ModCloth Flamenco Dress - $69.99

Forever 21 Presents: Leggings of Love

Did I miss some sponsorship deal that makes Forever 21 the official legging purveyor for "Rock of Love" and "Daisy of Love"? Because that is the only reasonable explanation I can find for some of the spandex/polyester blends they sell.



Glitter Liquid Cheetah Leggings: Because if they were just glitter, just liquid, or just cheetah-print, or any combination of two, that wouldn't be sufficient.



Ruffle Bottom Leggings: Because who doesn't want to look like they have festively dressed turkey legs?



Fringed Leggings: What Lindsey Lohan would wear if she were sent back in time to the wild west with Doc Brown.



Back Ruffled Leggings: Who doesn't want to draw attention to their ass while wearing skin-tight clothes? There is no possible way this could ever be unflattering!



Cire Leggings: Tight, shiny leggings with cutouts down the legs. It's like they're trying to find as many ways as possible for fat to be squeezed out of these.

Forever 21 Glittered Liquid Cheetah Leggings - $9.80
Forever 21 Fringed Leggings - $22
Forever 21 Back Ruffled Leggings - $22
Forever 21 Cire Leggings - $26

Penalty: Forever 21, Taunting.

Forever 21 is well known for knocking off trends shown by higher-end designers, making the styles affordable for the masses.



I didn't realize that Terrell Owens had created his own line of jersey-themed tops, but I'm glad that Forever 21 has offered a more reasonably priced option.


Forever 21 V-Neck Ruffle Sleeve top - $32