J.Crew Can't Jump

Oh, J. Crew. A jumpsuit in your spring line? Really? Did you have to go there?



I mean, yes, at least this one seems to be fitted to the model, so that's a plus. And it's not baggy in weird places. But they still remind me of long johns, and I can't imagine they're practical. Do you get totally undressed when you have to use the restroom? Or do you just not drink anything all day long? Because, really, I think that's kind of unsafe as the temperature rises.



From behind, these look like really expensive coveralls. If I were making a movie right now about a rich girl who has to do manual labor, like house painting, she would totally wear this while doing it. Then the guy she's working with would roll his eyes and tease her about it, because he can't stand entitled, snobby girls, but in the end it would turn out that he loves her for who she is, with or without her money.

Hm. Does Reese Witherspoon still play ditsy? If not, what's Isla Fischer up to? I've got a jumpsuit for them to wear, and a blockbuster hit on my hands.

J.Crew Silk Linen Jumpsuit - $148

Fall Out Of It

After spending some time on The Gap website the other day, looking at their denim tuxedos, I've figured out The Gap Conundrum.

What is The Gap Conundrum? It's deceptive in its simplicity. Basically, it boils down to the question: why is The Gap so terrible, when so much of what they sell are basics?

I almost feel bad posting about The Gap. It's like picking on 9th grade me for wearing a denim tuxedo - it's just too easy. Their declining sales have been widely publicized for years. They clearly can't figure out who their market is, or what they want their niche to be. More often than not, their styling choices lean more toward "wrinkled and ill-fitting." And that is the problem.



This does not look appealing. I do not want to wear this shirt. It does not look like it fits the model right. I don't care how happy she is while wearing it, there's no reason that the arm holes should be so low that they create that kind of pulling and folding through the chest.



This is a t-shirt from J.Crew. It's $6 more, but look at the difference in fit. See how it looks crisp? That is because it fits, and that is what The Gap fails at. None of their womenswear looks like it fits.



This is another shot of their "Favorite Stretch T." My only thought: If I wanted to buy a shirt that's not fitted, I'd shop at Eileen Fischer.

I've bought perfectly fitting t-shirts from Forever 21 before, and those were $5, so this isn't a case where price determines accuracy of the fit. No, this is a problem with The Gap.

What's interesting is, from what I can tell, their fit on men's clothing appears to be fine. It's hard to say for sure, because they seem adverse to posting pictures of male models wearing their clothes, but from the few pictures I've seen, the clothes seem to fit the men better.

So, where's the disconnect? Why is J.Crew capable of making a t-shirt that, at least on the model, appears to live up to the title of "perfect T", while the Gap struggles to make the style work on women who exist solely to look good in clothing?

It's too bad. I remember the Gap heyday, when people would randomly start swing dancing in the streets while wearing khakis. That was the influence of The Gap.

Now, I can't remember the last time I bought something from The Gap. Okay, I take that back. I think I bought a belt from them once.

Maybe I'm misguided here. Maybe the problem with The Gap isn't in their ill-fitting staples and unappealing styling.

But honestly, I don't know a single person who isn't always looking for a good basic t-shirt. If they could fill that niche - if they could get back to the clothes that fit right and look sharp - I'd start shopping there again. And given how many t-shirts I have in my drawer, my business would probably help a lot.

The Gap Favorite Stretch T - $16.50 $10
J. Crew Perfect Fit Short-Sleeve Crewneck T-Shirt - $22.50 or 2 for $30

The Price Isn't Right

When did J. Crew get all fancy?



Yes, I realize that J. Crew has had, for several years now, a high-end line called "The J. Crew Collection."



Apparently, it's high-quality - I mean, it would have to be, with that price tag. And, as seen in this close-up of the sequin dress, they have a creative approach to what has been a huge trend over the last year - in this case, using three sizes of sequins to give texture and dimension to the dress.

But it's still a total disconnect for me to go from looking at $98 pencil skirts to an almost $900 sequined shift dress.



Or a $1,400 disco ball.

J. Crew Waterfall Sequin Sweater Dress - $895
J. Crew Le Sequin Crochet Dress - $1,400

The Curtain Rose

So, I actually really like the rose in the center of the bust. Yes, it looks a lot like 4th of July bunting. But still, it actually kind of works for me.



Am I the only one, however, who totally thinks the ruffles down the front look like curtains? I wouldn't be shocked if, inside the dress, there's a rigging system that allows you to open and close the skirt as needed.

J.Crew Strapless Chambray Wild Rose Dress - $98

Ripstop Them, Please

Oh my god. Cargo pants are back. I had hoped that they would forever be banished to the windows of The Gap, but having now seen them in Lucky and in People Style (dude, it's addictive, don't judge me), it seems that cargo pants are in.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Do we really need that many pockets? It's the clothing equivalent of the soccer mom with an H2. She's not driving across newly formed basalt fields. She's picking her kids up from piano lessons. Likewise, I don't need to wear cargo pants to go to the mall. My MRE will fit just fine in my purse. The only time I'd ever need that many pockets is if I were going out and didn't want to carry my purse, but I seriously doubt anyone's going to be wearing cargo pants to clubs.

No, cargo pants have a useless number of pockets, and they serve the sole purpose of making you look bulky. Yes, they're comfortable, but so are sweat pants, or wide-legged jeans, or anything else that doesn't throw giant pockets onto the widest part of my thighs. I'll go with any of those options before I wear cargo pants.

And yes, I realize some people like these, and hell, I liked them back when I was 11 and didn't realize that they made me look massive. My mother would fight me tooth and nail on buying them, and you know what? She was right. It just took me another 13 years to understand that.

J.Crew Ripstop Cargo Pants - $79.50

Essay Question

The ModCloth site asks, "How could you pass up this coral orange Plastic Island item?"



I'm a little confused, because they don't have an essay section on the site, so I can't answer the question. If they did, I could break out the standard five paragraph essay and explain:

I could pass up this coral orange Plastic Island item because it is hideous. First and foremost, it is not coral, it is orange. Coral is a soft, pinky hue that is surprisingly flattering on a wide variety of skin tones. Orange, on the other hand, is rarely flattering, to the point where when it is flattering on a person, it draws many compliments because of its rarity.

Another reason I could pass this up is because it is a puffy coat with, as written in the description, "three tiers of gathered volume." In my day to day clothing, I try to avoid multiple tiers of gathered volume, as I find it is unflattering to my frame. Clothing, in my opinion, should not add bulk to one's figure needlessly.

The jacket also features "chic ribbed sweater sleeves [that] detach at the elbow." I do not often need a puffer jacket that only covers up to my elbow, as a puffer coat is usually restricted to cold weather. However, a puffer jacket with elbow-length sleeves does not warm forearms, and therefore, it fails to provide proper heat to all necessary extremities. Also, ripped sweater sleeves are ugly.

I would also be able to pass up this jacket because of its price. At $249.99, it will cost as much as a J.Crew coat, which will be of both better quality and style. While this jacket will one day be out of style, a J.Crew coat, such as the Wool Harbor Peacoat, the Wool Cashmere Crosby Coat, the Double-Cloth Camino Coat, or even the Sherpa Puffer Jacket will still be a classic style for years to come.

In sum, I would pass this coat up for many reason. I would not wear it because the color is wildly unflattering. I would also not wear it because it adds extra volume to my figure with its three tiers of volume. I find its ribbed sweater sleeves to be unattractive, and do not see a use for the jacket if you wear it with elbow-length sleeves. Finally, I believe that a more timeless jacket can be found for the same price, but will prove to be a better investment as it will not fall out of fashion within the season. For all these reasons, I would not wear this jacket.

ModCloth Take It or Sleeve It Jacket - $249.99
J.Crew Wool Harbor Peacoat - $220, or $240 with Thinsulate
J.Crew Wool-Cashmere Crosby Coat - $225
J.Crew Double Cloth Camino Coat - $195
J.Crew Sherpa Puffer Jacket - $168

J. Crew Likes It Ruff

We all know the 1980s have been back for a while. But shoulder pads and leggings are so passe.

Luckily, J. Crew is bringing back the 80s in their own way: the 1580s.

versus

I don't actually dislike this top. It's very pretty - on the model. But, because it's all about me (hence the title), yeah, this isn't going to work.

First of all, because while the ruffled neck styles look very nice on the pretty ladies, on me it will look like the pirate shirt from Seinfeld and an Elizabethan ruff had a chunky, shapeless love-child. Not because I'm chunky and shapeless; it's just that it will be wildly unflattering in the way that shirts like this are.

And I feel like the model knows this. It kind of looks like she's smirking, just slightly, in that taunting way, as if to say, "It looks awesome on me, doesn't it? It kind of makes you want to try it, right? Seeing it on me, you think you might be able to pull it off. Go for it. Give it a shot. What's the worst that can happen?"

But she knows. She knows that the worst that can happen is I try it on in the shockingly ill-lit dressing rooms*, hate how it looks, and then somehow manage to get stuck in the shirt while trying to get it off of me, leading to my having to jump up and down awkwardly while wiggling out of it, and when that fails, finally asking a sales associate for help. And then I'll feel obligated to buy something, because it will be one of the rare times that I can actually answer "yes" when they ask,"Did someone help you with this today." So I'll either go really cheap and buy a $12 hair clip, or I'll end up buying these shoes that I love but cannot afford.

Do you see the chaos you have wrought, J. Crew? Do you?

*And, seriously, why are your dressing rooms so badly lit? Neon makes me not want to buy your clothes. It makes me want to stand really close to the mirror and look at my pores.

J. Crew Francis Ruffled Tuxedo Shirt - $89.50
J. Crew Herringbone Francis Cami - $88
J. Crew Silk Frances Tank - $88