Ole?

Wow. There is a whole lot of pattern happening here.



So, odds are, we should expect to see it on Vanessa wearing it on Gossip Girl some time before the end of the season.

ModCloth Piñata Leggings - $37.99

If you like Gossip Girl fashions, check out the other blog I sometimes write for, You Know You Love Fashion.

Boop Who?

I've never been much of a Betty Boop fan. I mean, what does she do, other than totter around, struggling to maintain upright despite an abnormally large head?

I am, however, pretty sure that Betty Boop would never dress in this outfit. In fact, if Betty Boop were a real person, I would totally understand her suing for defamation of character, solely because of how hideous the pants are.

She'd have no problem winning. It's hard to rule against a woman who breaks into song in the courtroom.



Forever 21 Betty Boop Tank - $13.80

Walking Around On Those - What Do You Call Them?

This was sent in by Emily (not to be confused with reader Little Emily). Says Emily:

"I know this is ugly, but the white version it reminds me of the little mermaid - Ariel's dress right after she gets legs, and the shapeless sheet she's wrapped around herself becomes a kind of cute minidress. Magic! Please make fun of it so I don't buy it."



I kind of remembered that Ariel wore a white dress at some point, but did not have nearly the photographic recall that Emily showed. But, once I found the screencaps, it all came flooding back to me.



Ah yes. The white sheet dress. Worn with the kind of pride that screams, "Up until now, the only clothing I've worn was a shell bra."



But damned if this isn't the same dress. Look at how randomly bunched it is! Do you know why it's gathered into a bustle? Because I sure don't. The only thing I can think of is that the designer was aided by his friends, a confused seagull and a smarmy crab.

From the side, I actually like the dress. It's so sculpted that it actually becomes appealing.



But then you get to the back, and it suddenly just is a lot of lumpy volume. Or there's the front, which demands a belt to temper its shapelessness. And while I wear a lot of short skirts, I'd constantly be tugging it down, because it's always harder to tell if you're flashing the world when you're wearing an uneven hem.



On the other hand, if it lands me a hunk like Eric, then I'll throw down the $105 for a couture sheet of my very own. And I wouldn't even need to trade my voice for legs - not a bad deal.

Of course, he seemed to like the fact that she didn't talk, so my feminist sensibilities are incensed. Will they win out over a childhood crush?

Maybe I'll see if the Beast is still available. And if he'll cut that mullet.

Funktional Parachute Dress - $105

ModCloth Deserves Some Praise

I was weeding through my many, many tabs tonight, because even Chrome can't handle the number of pages I have open. And, as I sorted through them, I realized something: half of the tabs were for ModCloth's dresses. I realized, I've barely looked at the rest of the site lately, because I've been so absorbed with their dress section. But here's the thing: for all of the awful dresses I've posted, for all the misplaced peplums and mottled sequins, the majority of the dresses are great.

So, in the hopes that others will get to buy the dresses and twirl around feeling pretty, I'm posting some of my favorites (I'm on a shopping embargo, due to not being particularly employed, so I can't buy their entire dress section).

Yeah, there's not a lot of cutting remarks and sarcasm, but there are pretty dresses after the jump.

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

XOXO, ModCloth

Man, things have been tough for Serena lately. First she spends all summer looking for her biological father, only to be repeatedly rebuffed. When she returns home to New York, her boyfriend Carter reveals that he is in debt to a powerful Texan family, so he agrees to pay off his debts by working on an oil rig. Then, she ends up working for a publicist and has to date one of her clients to keep him in the news. She quits her job and goes to work for married Congressman Tripp Van der Bilt. She promptly begins an affair with him, which ends after he runs their car off the road to avoid hitting a pack of huskies wolves and he moves her into the driver's seat before fleeing the scene.

Like I said. Things have been tough.

And as if that weren't bad enough, someone apparently broke into her closet and is selling her wardrobe to ModCloth. The only thing that makes me think this might not be Serena's dress is that it doesn't show nearly enough cleavage. However, I can definitely see her strutting through Manhattan in a mini-dress with what appear to be shoulder pads from the Intergalactic Football League. These aren't actually shoulder pads, but rather, over decorated t-shirt sleeves. The end result is the same, though.

In a related note, can we please move past this whole shoulder pad resurgence? If you have broad shoulders, you can't wear them. And if you don't - come on. You're not fooling anyone with these things.

ModCloth Fashion Chalet Dress - $62.99

Haverchic

The first dress is called the "Lady Chatterley Dress," a reference to the scandalous D.H. Lawrence novel about an upper-class woman's affair with a working class man.

Personally, I think this dress is more reminiscent of another famous literary character.



It's like Mrs. Haversham's tattered wedding dress!



As for this, I suppose if Mrs. Haversham is in the market for a tattered wedding dress-esque nightgown, this dress should work just fine.

ModCloth Lady Chatterley Dress - $99.99
ModCloth Behind Every Grey-t Dress - $59.99

Mad Mandarin

I've faithfully watched Mad Men for the past three years. One of the things I love about it is the clothing. Whether it's Betty's beautiful circle skirts or Joan's tight wiggle dresses, I spend a lot of the episode staring at the clothes and wondering how I can get them.

You know whose wardrobe I rarely envy, though? Peggy's. And this dress is so utterly a Peggy dress. It would be very cute and wearable if the jabot weren't massive. Does it need to span the entire chest? Looking at it, I can't help but wonder if the jabot is actually made of little strips of paper that you can rip off, should you need to take notes on your sociopath boss's latest idea for Conrad Hilton.

If the jabot were small, just a little strip of ruffles, it would already be in my shopping cart. But, much like the bulk of Peggy's clothes, the dress comes dangerously close to being cute, but then veers off to "unwearable" at the last second.

ModCloth The Regina Dress - $162.99

The Professional

Sometimes, ModCloth's descriptions say more about an item of clothing than I ever could.

Like this dress, for example:

You're at your favorite bar, lingering over a chocolate-cherry martini after a long day at the office. You dangle a heel off the tip of your toe, and notice a stylish stranger smiling at you. You smooth the skirt of your inky black sheath, and cinch the patent belt a little tighter. There's no need to be self-conscious, because you know you look good - the cap sleeves accentuate your toned arms, the plum fabric that peeks out at the sweetheart neckline draws attention to your delicate decolletage, and the hidden side zip seals the deal. It's getting late to wait for your mystery admirer to make a move, so you pay your tab, clasp your clutch, and sexily saunter over. Just before exiting, you pull a business card out of the front pocket, slyly smile, and say, "Here's my card. Call me."

Is it just me, or does this sound like the description from a cheesy romance novel?

No, in all seriousness, I had no idea that high class call girls carried cards.

That's what the character in this description is, right? Because I can't imagine wearing a dress to work that scoops down under your breasts, like a harness, and then has special fabric only over your boobs, for maximum "Hey, look at my cleavage!"ness. I don't care what the description says; the neckline is not calling attention to your delicate decolletage. It's like a giant neon sign pointing to your breasts.

This dress wouldn't have made it on the site had the description been about a girl on a date - this isn't an awful dress, depending on the occasion. But I can't imagine this is a work-appropriate neckline - unless you're Serena from Gossip Girl, in which case, this dress is downright demure.

ModCloth Here's My Card Dress - $52.99

If Only Russell Crowe Had Worn These ...

Despite my best efforts, gladiator heels have grown on me. Slightly. No, they haven't thawed my cold, dark heart completely, but I don't always hate them now.

However, I'm happy to say these shoes have not worn me down.

Knee high gladiator heels with zippers running up the front.

Really? This is a practical or appealing shoe? Because, in my head, this only ends in a grid pattern all over my shins from the strips of pleather, accompanied by teeth-marks from the zippers.

Why is there a zipper in the front? No, really. It's not an embellishment. I can't say I'd be a fan of these if the zipper ran up the back, but at least then the zipper would create a backseam effect. Here, it just looks cheap. Not trashy-cheap, Forever 21 cheap. Which, it is, so way to go, F21.

I can see Georgina Sparks wearing this on Gossip Girl after she returns to New York, furious at being tricked by "Prince Alexi" (totally her fault, by the way - who doesn't Google a prince before running off to his plane?). And I can see cooler girls than I pairing it with a dress and looking badass. However, I know my limitations, and I cannot make these work.

But, really, these are shoes that should not work on a normal person. These are shoes that can only be worn by the fashionable elite - those girls who can walk into a vintage store and actually find something wearable. But, if they're in the fashionable elite, odds are, they're not buying shoes that fall apart after three hours of wear. So, again, I'm lost as to who would be buying this, and what purpose these abominations unto footwear serve.

If you're one of those girls who can make these shoes work, congratulations. Throw a few tips my way, as I'm stuck wearing black or jewel toned scoop-neck tshirts and jeans every day.

And let me know how these gladiators work out. I can create a new feature for all the people who can pull off the clothes I post - prove me wrong, people.

Forever 21 Tall Gladiator Heels - $39.80

Gleeful About Kurt

Look, I love Kurt from Glee as much as anyone.

But is it really a good idea to let him design a line of football-inspired fashions for Forever 21?

Forever 21 Embellished Shoulder Dress - $39.80

Flat, Snap, Button, Ugly

Sometimes I put on my corset top and my denim miniskirt, and I think, "If only this were one dress, made entirely of denim."

Ok, that's a lie. When I put on my corset top and denim miniskirt, I think, "Oh man, I really need to do some laundry."

This is one classy dress. You know it's classy because it's in dark denim, as opposed to faded or bleached denim.

What's really bugging me about this dress is that the buttons on the skirt aren't lined up with the buttons on the top. Do they need to be off-center? Is there a reason, other than to make me super-twitchy?

Oh, and there are front pockets. Here's the funny thing about pockets: if you have them on a skirt or dress, you will stick your hands in them. It's involuntary. Even if you don't normally stick your hands in pockets, you will do it when they're present on a skirt or dress. If you're doubtful, give it a shot and report back.

So, with that in mind, you know what this dress does not need? Front pockets, because you will stuff your hands in them, and any shot you have at poise in this dress will be gone.

Instead, you'll be wearing a dress short enough that even Serena on Gossip Girl would think twice about wearing it, but with your hands stuffed in your pockets, looking both skanky and awkward. Which is a fairly unusual combination, and maybe that's your look, in which case, via con dios. You're one of ten people in the world who actively aim for "skanky and awkward."

Forever 21 Flat Snap Buttoned Dress - $24.80

A Change of Heart

Initially, I was going to write a post in my usual style, talking about how ugly these skirts are.

But then, looking at them some more, I found ... I kind of like them. No, I really like them. It was like in a romantic comedy, when the heroine suddenly realizes that she doesn't hate the male lead, she loves him. It hasn't been rage fueling all their spats, but passion.

I mean, sure, they're a little 80s, and I'd never wear them, but I can't help it. I love them. They're just so colorful, with their gradient lace.

You guys, I'm like totally Cher Horowitz right now. I am majorly, totally, butt-crazy in love with these skirts!

Forever 21 Lace Tiered Skirt - $28

Fashion by Zoidberg

I have a massive backlog of clothes that need posts, so I've been trying to weed through them and throw out the ones that don't quite make the cut. I almost let this vest slide.



And then I saw the back.



It reminds me of a dog harness mixed with Dr. Zoidberg's mouth tentacles. So, basically, if Dr. Zoidberg were to knit his likeness into a doggy harness.



Hm. Not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Forever 21 Wool Blend Crochet Vest - $19.80

The Blinds Leading the Blinds

I love walking through Bed Bath and Beyond and imagining all the great things I can do with their homewares.



Never once have I walked through the window dressing aisle and thought "These Roman Blinds would go splendidly with my racerback tank ... I should make a dress out of them!"



I mean, really, people. Last I checked, it's not the South, we're not in the Reconstruction period, none of us are Scarlett O'Hara, and even if any of this were true, and we were trying to impress Rhett, this dress wouldn't do it.

Forever 21 Ruched Satin Dress - $36

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

Embarrassing confession time:

Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm actually a superhero, and the everyday me is just my alter-ego.



I guess I can wear these next time I'm pretending to be a secret superhero. It'll go nicely with my cape and the underwear over tights combo I rock.

ModCloth Tangent Universe Boots - $47.99

The Right to Bear Chests

At the founding of America, our forefathers made sure to protect a vital right:

A well regulated Torso, being necessary to the security of legs to the body, the right of the people to keep and Bear Chests, shall not be infringed.



While that amendment has since been put to the test in courts across the country, in cases such as Ranger v. Yogi Bear (1962), it's nice to see that the British support our vital right as Americans.

TopShop Boxy Faux fur Chubby Coat - $170

Tied Neck and Neck

I'm not a big fan of tie-neck blouses. Lucky has been pushing them for years now, but no matter how many times they try to convince me it'll give me a "sexy schoolteacher vibe," I'm pretty sure I'll just end up getting the ties in my cheeseburger.

But what's this? A tie-neck jacket? A jacket designed to look like a blouse? I'm so confused!

As with most of the clothes featured on the site, I can think of some women who could pull this off. Yes, with skinny jeans and a pair of flats, it could work and be kind of cute.

However, I could not make this work. For starters, it's not form-fitting, and thus would make me look boxy. Beyond that, I would have a hell of a time not getting that tie dirty. Never mind the difficulties I would have in trying to take off the jacket, only to forget that it's tied at the neck, so I end up struggling and practically choking myself in my spazzy attempts at taking the damn thing off.

And, beyond all else, if I'm going to finally fulfill the hopes of Lucky editors everywhere and cave to the tie-neck blouse, I'm going to do it with a nice silk top, not a polyester/wool jacket. I'm going to look like Emma Pillsbury, dammit.

ModCloth A Series of Furtnate Prints - $129.99

Costume Ideas #15: Andrew Lloyd Webber Presents

Looking to go a little biblical this Halloween, but want to keep your unique style?



Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Cardigan!

Although, if you have six older brothers, I do not recommend wearing this.

Forever21 Rainbow Toggle Sweater Cardigan - $27.80

Costume Ideas #14: Sexy Star Wars

Want to be a sexy character from Star Wars, but sick of the Slave Leia costume? Well, here's your chance.



That's right. You can be a sexy Wookie.

Forever 21 Urban Faux Fur Vest - $24.80