My Search Is Over

Occasionally, I'll see a woman on the street (or a character on TV) wearing really unflattering jeans. Not the kind that are intentionally unflattering, but the kind that our society has come to dub as "Mom Jeans." And when I see those jeans, I wonder where you buy them. Not because I'm desperate to acquire a pair, but because I genuinely have no idea who sells them.

I now have my answer.



Lee Jeans sells these as the "Side Elasticized Jeans." Look at this perfect Mom Jeans specimen. A ridiculously high rise, a relaxed fit through the hips and thighs, tapering down to a narrow leg opening. These even have elasticized waists, for maximum comfort. Or, as they describe it on the site, "When you have comfort in mind, the Side Elastic Jean is for you. Basic styling and elastic at the sides make this an easy choice!"



And the back. Oh, the back is glorious. Look at how much room is in the seat and thigh area. You could actually store children in that part of the jeans. The back of the pants actually rests in the middle of the model's spine, there's no differentiation between her butt and her thighs, and it creates the illusion of having both a flat and a huge butt.

These jeans are the quintessential Mom Jeans. A pair should be studied by designers and scholars alike, so as to better understand the genre. A pair should be gifted to the Smithsonian, so that future generations may better understand our culture.

And then all the rest should be burned.

Lee Side Elastic Jean - $40 $23.99 - what a steal!

Taffetastrophy

LOL.



Do I even need to contribute more? I don't think so. These shorts require no explanation. No jokes need to be made. They are the joke.

They're so high rise that I'm not sure this isn't actually a tube jumper. These will rest an inch and a half below your armpits. They're shiny. They're pleated. They have shiny pleats. The belt is absurdly small for such a wide waistband. They make the mannequin look fat, and it's made of sturdy molded plastic.



And oh dear god, the flat butt. The only way this could actually give you contours is because of the pleating, but the pleats appear to be pulling away from the actual seat of the pants, which will only make it look like your butt is pulling at the fabric. Essentially, there is no way for your butt to look good in these shorts. There are only degrees of "really bad."

So I'm going to go back to laughing at the idea that someone is paying $30 for these shorts. If you can actually make these look good, my hat is off to you. I just need proof, because as far as I can tell, there is no way these could be flattering to anyone ever.

Forever 21 High Waist Taffeta Short - $29

Just One Question

No, really. I have just one question:



Why do these exist?

No, really. Why does this abomination exist? These are high-rise shorts. High-rise satin shorts. I cannot think of any case in which these would ever be flattering. Ever, ever, ever. And that's not even dealing with the lace-up fronts, which I guess serves to - you know, I can't even begin to guess what the purpose of the lace-up front is.



Here's the back. With an elastic panel. Naturally. Because when you're wearing high-waist shorts, you're going to want everyone to see the massive elastic panel on your back. It so delightfully compliments the mom-jeans flat butt that a high rise will inevitably give you.

So, again, I ask: Why do these exist?

Forever 21 Satin Lace Up Short - $17.80

Waist Not, Want Not

I love it when bad puns make for such succinct titles.



Hey, you know what these are? $75 polyester high waist shorts. I'm guessing the inseam is about 3 inches long; that leaves a whole 15.75 inches of high waist. This would leave the high waist resting somewhere along my bra line, as though I'm starring as Urkelle in a CW "reimagining" of Family Matters.

Seriously - you know that if it were on the CW, even Urkelle's wardrobe would be ridiculously expensive and vaguely on-trend. Also, someone would probably end up dead by the first episode, there would be a mysterious new boy in school, and everyone would look like they're 27 - both kids and parents.

Don't lie. You know you'd watch that show.

ModCloth My Way or the High Waist Shorts - $74.99

Pants Without Logic or Reason

In theory, a pair of high-waist slacks with a thick waistband sound great. I immediately start having delusions of wearing them with a button-down blouse and flats. These are delusions, of course, because in them I am also speaking with Brahmin accents and playing golf with Spencer Tracey.

Luckily, these pants keep me from sinking too far into the fantasy.



I'm missing something here. Right? There's something I'm just not getting conceptually about these pants. Because, staring at these pants, I can't think of a single person these would be flattering on. Normally, I will secretly admit to myself that yes, that would look good on someone.

This is not one of those situations. I'm pretty sure that these pants were taken from Julia Sweeny's "Pat" costume at SNL. Pulled up high on the waist and pleated, these pants create just enough of a bulge to make one unsure of what the wearer is packing.

Oh, and there's the back!



Elasticized back and a high waist? Yeah, these are Mom Jeans. They're dressy Mom Jeans, but they'll still make your ass look flat and your hips look wide. Look at what they've done to this poor model. Think of it as her sacrifice, so you can be spared a similar fate.

And that's just teh beginning of my problems with these pants. To elaborate:

1. They're really high-waisted.
2. They have pleated fronts.
3. They give the model saddle bags (hate the term, but sadly apt).
4. The crotch sits too low.
5. They're cropped.
6. They have an elasticized back.
7. They give you the dreaded flat ass/big hip combination.
8. For some reason, the buttons make me think of the Cloverfield monster. I do not know why. The Cloverfield monster didn't have six eyes. But for some reason, when I see those pants, that's all I can think of. Maybe because these pants have usurped it as the most horrific thing I've seen?

The High Powered Pants - $74.99