10,000 BC

I've said before that I don't like gladiator heels. But at least, on the right person, it can make them look kind of terrifyingly Amazonian.



This, however, is less Amazonian than Archaic. Which is all well and good, if the way you roll is biblical. Now, personally, if I'm going to be thrown into a colloseum to face off against a gladiator or a lion, I'd like to have appropriate footwear on. And, in my case, appropriate footwear is something I can run comfortably in. Not flip flops with cow hide stapled to them.

Bebe Marisa Leather Gladiator Sandal Boots - $179

Thigh High Class

Have you ever been walking the streets and thought, "Man, I wish I could have worn my favorite pair of heels, but they're just not work-appropriate?"



Bebe has you covered. With these leatherette snap-on thigh highs, you can transform your favorite pair of heels into street walker-chic thigh highs. Now there are two women it's worked out for: Cinderella ... and you.

Bebe Leatherette Thigh High "Boot" Stirrup - $69

Fabric Orgy

What do you do when you have a bunch of scraps of fabric, none big enough to make an article of clothing?

Apparently, if you're Bebe's design team, the answer is: make this jacket.



There is so much going on here I almost can't deal with it. First off, yes, this jacket does feature denim, khaki, and what appears to be brocade. Which, as far as I'm concerned, are not materials that should ever be thrown into a jacket in some perverse fabric threesome.



And yes, those are puffy sleeves the likes of which haven't been seen since they were rocked by Snow White. How good of you to notice.



Don't clap, Snow White. You'll only encourage them.

I guess what I fail to understand is under what circumstances one would wear this jacket. And the laces on the sleeves seem impractical at best - I'm always rolling up the sleeves of my jacket for fear of getting them in my food.



Mostly though, my issue with this jacket is the plain, simple fact that it's ugly. No, seriously. It's really, really ugly. That's a giant brocade patch in the middle of the back. With puffy, shredded Snow White sleeves. And raw hems.

I think the worst part is it's selling for $199. I get that it must have been difficult to construct, due to all the small pieces of fabric. But if it was so expensive and painstaking to create, I can't understand what made the designers think it was a good idea.

Bebe Destroyed Ruffle Fray Jacket - $199

It Came From the Clothing Chain!

Apparently the sassy model from the one-sleeved mesh dress has figured out that you can't sell an unfortunate dress, no matter how hard you emote.



Instead, she tilts her head slightly, as if to acknowledge that yes, this dress may very well have been formal wear for an alien in the original Star Trek. The "leatherette" bands are fairly extraneous with our gravitational field, but maybe on a foreign planet they help to keep random alien parts from slipping out.



Oh god - she's not showing a degree of deference with her head tilt. She's powering down.

As is evidenced by the exposed spine, this model is clearly a cyborg.

Bebe Sexy Stretch Twill Cutout Dress - $129

The Forest for the Trees

I don't really know what to say about this top, but I feel like it needs to be posted.



Sassy model seems to really be enjoying this top. I can't even criticize it, really, because she just seems to love wearing it so much. I don't know what occasion one would wear this to - from her accessories and shiny leggings, I'm guessing some sort of eco-clubbing thing? I don't know. I just keep staring at the top, repeating basic observable facts about it to myself, like: "It's blue. It has one sleeve. There are trees on it. It has satin banding." Beyond that, I can't figure out what to say about it, because it's so literal.

This isn't a pattern of small trees all over the thing. It's not an abstract tree winding its way up her torso. This is, very simply, a picture of trees on a shirt with one sleeve. It is remarkably literal.

I don't know why this exists. I don't know who wears it. But if you know someone who does, or who would, please tell me. I have so many questions for them.

Bebe Enchanted Forest Tunic - $89

Hey, Buttons are Tricky

They didn't have to design a shirt to look like I accidentally skipped a button. I already do it all the time.

And yes, that is a corseted back. I don't really know what to say about it, beyond asking if it's really necessary. But, given that this is Bebe - yes, yes it is.

Bebe Laced Back Asymmetric Shirt - $79

Keep It in the Bottle. Please.

Three wishes?



Okay!



1. I wish this jumpsuit didn't make the model's breasts look so unhappy.

2. I wish this jumpsuit gave her an actual waist.

3. I wish they hadn't used the curtain ties as a belt.



Dammit! I should have looked at the back before making all those wishes. If I had, I would have replaced #3 with:

"I wish the model would spontaneously start dancing to Can't Touch This."

Bebe Glitter Halter Rope Jumpsuit - $98

The Iridescent Striped Suit

Look who's back: our old friend, the sassy model.



Yes, that is a matching vest and striped skirt suit she's wearing. Don't act like you've never seen one before.

I like that the skirt has not one, not two, but four tiers, using two different fabrics. It really ties the whole look together, echoing the texture contrasts on the vest. I also like that the vest cuts away at the bottom, in case you want to reveal your finer navel rings or hip tattoos.

I'm pretty sure this is what strippers consider business wear.

Bebe Iridescent Striped Vest - $98
Bebe Iridescent Striped Pleated Skirt - $98

Sassy Model and the Mesh Dress

Sometimes a model has so much personality, so much attitude in a picture, she sells the clothes, even if the clothes aren't that great.



Try as she might, this girl cannot sell me the dress. And trust me, she is trying. She's not just smiling with her eyes, she's sassing with everything she's got. Her fingers are sassy. She is working so hard to make me think that, by buying this dress, I too can have as sexy a life as she has.



Unfortunately, this dress still has one black mesh sleeve. And it has a mesh-covered slit on the side - which, given how short this dress is, even the slightest slit runs the risk of exposing bra band. And also, it has one long black mesh sleeve. I cannot stress this point enough. I don't care how sassy she is, how much fun she is having - there is no way she is having enough fun to warrant wearing that dress.

Bebe One Shoulder Mesh Dress - $49

Toga to Tango

I'm not sure if Bebe was inspired by the Romans, beauty pageants, or by arm injuries. Either way, the result is the same:



The danger with wearing pockets on a dress is that you're naturally going to want to put your hands in the pockets, which looks kind of ridiculous and ruins the lines of the dress.

The danger with a sash is that you're going to use it in lieu of a purse, or to hide appetizers for later. And while yes, it would be a brilliant way to snag extra pigs in a blanket at a cocktail party ... wait, I forgot the down side. Sorry.



Oh, right. She sure does look sassy for a woman who is wearing a dress designed to look like she accidentally tucked the hem into it.

Bebe Stone Beaded Draped Halter Dress - $76.99

"We're More Like Best Friends!"

There are two types of women in the world who would wear this hat:

1. A ridiculously stylish twenty-something who can wear anything and make it work. She might pair this with skinny jeans and a cool top, and will manage to look like she's not wearing a costume.

2. Her middle aged mother who is in denial about the aging process. She will wear it with a baby-t, ultra low rise jeans, platforms, and a belly button ring she got on her 42nd birthday after too many Cosmos with the girls. She will do any and all of the following: flirt with her daughter's boyfriends, try to go shopping with her daughter's friends, use slang that was popular three years ago, and tell everyone "People always think I'm her sister!" when asked about her daughter.

Bebe Biker Cabbie Hat - $22.39