Eye Spy

In the past, I have claimed that a particularly busy pattern on a skirt or top reminds me of a Magic Eye picture.



I think that this dress actually is meant to be one.

Can you see it?

Frederick's Of Hollywood Drape Front Sublimation Dress - $49

Yes, Nice Things About F21

My cousin is getting married in a few months (congratulations, Erin!), and she has a bridal shower coming up. I was surfing Forever 21 for a dress to wear to the shower, when I came across these two dresses.

After staring at them for several minutes, I still can't decide if these dresses are actually cute, or if I'm just losing my mind.



I know that, technically, this is a blog about the things that I wouldn't wear (hence, "You Want Me To Wear What?" rather than "Why Would Anyone Ever Wear This?"). In this case, though, neither of these dresses would work on me. At all.

But on a thin girl, I think this dress could be pretty amazing. Not just in the usual Lucky fashion tips way of "Add curves with tiers!" No, I think this could actually work on someone with less of an hourglass because the dress itself is really interesting to look at. The colors go together, the layers work, and it kind of reminds me of a deconstructed bandage dress. A softer, deconstructed take is a welcome change from what I always felt was a harsh, almost militaristic style.



As for this, I wouldn't have liked it, had I not seen it on a model.



I'm actually kind of curious to try the dress. I don't think it will look good on me, but I just want to give it a shot. I like that it curves and creates the illusion of corsetting without having to go through the trouble of wearing a corset. I like that it's kind of a play on the t-shirt under a dress thing that's been happening lately. Essentially, the dress is kind of just an optical illusion, but in the good way. In the, "Doesn't give me headaches" way.

With all of Forever 21's attempts at couture - all their weird, overdone, excessively designed dresses, if you had described these dresses to me, I would have thought you were out of your mind - Forever 21 can't touch something unusual and not make it bizarre. But no, I'm actually pretty sure that these dresses are kind of awesome.

Thoughts?

Forever 21 Rendezvous Pleat Dress - $29.80
Forever 21 Attention Colorblock Dress - $19.80

Yodlee Why?

I do not own any American Eagle dresses. This is striking because I have been shopping there since the first store opened in LA eight years ago. However, I have not once bought a dress from them, as their dresses often suffer from a terrible case of Too-Small-For-My-Rack-itis.



That's not even close to the top of my list of issues I have with this dress.

Let's start with the fact that it gives the model what appears to be the gut of a middle-aged man. This isn't the shape of a young model. This is the shape of a Mike Judge character.



I'm also not a fan of the lederhosen pattern running down the front of the dress. You know what those stripes don't do? Make the model look slimmer. No, they only serve to emphasize that the drop waist isn't fitted properly.

That's the problem, really. The drop waist just isn't fitted right. Under proper circumstances, drop waists are a short-torsoed girl's best friend (I am one, and drop waists can be magical). However, in this case, the proportions are off in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Yes, I realize that it's kind of my job to comment on the proportions, but ... I can't figure it out. It just looks off. Maybe the skirt is too long, maybe the waistband is too thick. Maybe the model has a long torso to begin with, and the dress is not well-suited for her. I'm not sure. But it just looks off.

And finally, there's just not enough boob storage. As I said before, this is a common problem with American Eagle dresses. That holds true in this dress, but with a fun twist: it seems like there's actually a decent amount of coverage on the dress itself. However, because of the lederhosen stripes, the cup is visually cut in half. So even if I can fit my chests into the top, they're just going to warp the lederhosen. And nobody likes warped lederhosen.

AE Print Drop Waist Dress - $44.50

Shorts in Disguise

I was surfing Forever 21, as I do every day, for clothes to buy and clothes to post. At all times, there are two separate browser windows open, so I can keep them separated. These were originally in the "buy" browser.



And then I realized they were shorts, rather than a pleated skirt.

Shorts are tricky to navigate. For some reason, they're way more difficult than skirts. Finding the right length can be a Herculean task. I can't imagine that pleated, voluminous shorts will be a flattering look.



How convenient. I don't have to imagine it. These are resting on the threshold of unflattering on this model. They're threatening to tip into the precipice of average ass.

So much skirt potential wasted. And for what? Shorts that look like a skirt, but will probably just make your legs look weird.

What a world.

Forever 21 Floral Guise Woven Shorts - $17.80

As Real As She Is

This shirt is about as authentically punk as Avril Lavigne.



Which is to say, as punk as you can get from shopping at Kohl's.

I understand shirts that are faux-layered (ie: a sweater with a button-down collar attached) because it's so hard to get that look through normal layering. However, wearing a shirt with pre-attached suspenders is just lame. Go through the extra step of buying and wearing suspenders, if you're going for the "I'm a punk" thing. Just do it. Otherwise, you're stuck tucking in your shirt, or wearing a t-shirt that has built-in suspenders, and the whole thing is just trying so hard. Which is right up Ms. Lavigne's alley, because if there's one thing she's consistently done through her whole career, it's try way, way too hard.

Despite all my criticisms, I would pay to see Larry King in this on a Casual Friday.

Abbey Dawn Drama Queen Suspender Tunic - $36 $18

Deep Pockets

Linen shorts. They sound so breezy and lightweight, so tropical. Unfortunately, when going to the beach you always end up having to lug around a huge tote bag that doesn't work with your otherwise breezy, tropical outfit.

But with shorts like these, you can skip carrying a bag entirely. You can just roll up your beach towel and stuff it in one of your pockets, along with sunblock, a trashy novel, sunglasses, a large hat, and maybe some tropical fruit.

From this angle, it even looks like the pockets provide a sheath for your umbrella.

Of course, it's all just an optical illusion - according to the website, these shorts have a "unique faux pocket design." So, in fact, you're stuck carrying the tote bag while wearing shorts that only make you look like you could double as a pack mule.

You want to know how these shorts make me feel?

And no, I totally wasn't just waiting for an excuse to use this t-shirt. It directly relates to the post. But if you want to buy it for me in a medium, I won't object.

ModCloth Treasure Island Shorts - $37.99
ModCloth Shark AHHHtack Tee - $29.99