Frill of the Hunt

Oh crap, you guys. Stand very, very still.

I think we've startled the leggings.

Forever 21 Mesh Ruffle Trim Leggings - $24

The Curtain Rose

So, I actually really like the rose in the center of the bust. Yes, it looks a lot like 4th of July bunting. But still, it actually kind of works for me.



Am I the only one, however, who totally thinks the ruffles down the front look like curtains? I wouldn't be shocked if, inside the dress, there's a rigging system that allows you to open and close the skirt as needed.

J.Crew Strapless Chambray Wild Rose Dress - $98

Mass and Volume

Someone designed this.



Someone designed this with the intent of it being worn on the human frame. On the bodies of all sorts of different women. Because, that had to have been the plan. To design a dress with the intention of no one wearing it is a bad business model.

According to the ModCloth website, "Despite its unreal amount of volume, however, this fun little piece still flatters the feminine form, thanks to its hidden side zipper and back sash tie."

Look, they've seen it in person. So maybe there's something I'm missing; a subtlety I have yet to pick up on. But, in my years of dress shopping, never once has a side zipper and back sash tie made a dress with two layers of hoop skirt magically flattering. It's not even that flattering on the mannequin, and you can stick pins directly into a mannequin to get the perfect fit.

I'd actually love this fabric as an a-line, so it would have a sort of 50s school dance feel to it. As opposed to what it currently has, which is "Mrs. Potts summers at the country castle."

ModCloth Pump Up the Volume Dress - $74.99

Have A Yabba-Dabba Do Time

Apparently, the designers at Forever 21 were pretty heavily influenced by Hanna-Barbera this season.



First, we had The Jetsons. With this top and dress, I think we're going all the way back to Bedrock.



Don't look so happy, Fred. Sure, it's great that they're being economical and using the leftover scraps from Bloomingstone's Department Store, but really. I think Forever 21 can do better than that.



Unless they start selling Hoppparoos. I would totally get on board with that.

Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Dress - $34.80
Forever 21 Dotted Panel Silk Top - $24.80

The Depths of Plaidness

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been a little obsessed with plaid of late.



This shirt will not fall into that category. I know, you're probably shocked. Stunned, even. "But it has giant, puffy sleeves!" you're probably thinking. "With bows on the arms, and a weird ruffled bib thing! That's right up your alley."



I know. It confuses me, as well. I prefer my plaid shirts to be so baggy that it hides anything that might hint at my figure. And I love when strips of fabric dangle down my arms. That's never annoying. Wearing this shirt would be like having two magical plaid fairies hovering against my elbows at all times.

And who doesn't love that?

Forever 21 Plaid Multi-Button Shirt - $32

The Hip Way To Travel

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Forever 21 Airlines, Flight 288 with non-stop service to Unflattering."



Please turn your attention to the flight attendant nearest you for our peplum demonstration. Please follow along with the image in front of you.

Please make sure your peplum is securely fastened at this time. To fasten, firmly affix the ruffles to your midsection. In case of a water landing, the peplum will inflate and serve as a flotation device.

Please take this time to notice that the peplum sits around your waist, rather than on your hips. Keep in mind that it may make you look larger and will at bulk to your waist, traditionally a narrow point on the torso. If you are naturally slim, the peplum may come off as an oddly placed inner tube, rather than additional fabric that adds curves.

As we come through the cabin to perform our final safety checks, please make sure your seatbelt is fastened as best you can over this mass of fabric, your seat back and tray tables are in their full upright and locked position, and all carry on items are stored properly.

Thank you for your attention, and we wish you a good flight on Forever 21 Airlines.

Walking Around On Those - What Do You Call Them?

This was sent in by Emily (not to be confused with reader Little Emily). Says Emily:

"I know this is ugly, but the white version it reminds me of the little mermaid - Ariel's dress right after she gets legs, and the shapeless sheet she's wrapped around herself becomes a kind of cute minidress. Magic! Please make fun of it so I don't buy it."



I kind of remembered that Ariel wore a white dress at some point, but did not have nearly the photographic recall that Emily showed. But, once I found the screencaps, it all came flooding back to me.



Ah yes. The white sheet dress. Worn with the kind of pride that screams, "Up until now, the only clothing I've worn was a shell bra."



But damned if this isn't the same dress. Look at how randomly bunched it is! Do you know why it's gathered into a bustle? Because I sure don't. The only thing I can think of is that the designer was aided by his friends, a confused seagull and a smarmy crab.

From the side, I actually like the dress. It's so sculpted that it actually becomes appealing.



But then you get to the back, and it suddenly just is a lot of lumpy volume. Or there's the front, which demands a belt to temper its shapelessness. And while I wear a lot of short skirts, I'd constantly be tugging it down, because it's always harder to tell if you're flashing the world when you're wearing an uneven hem.



On the other hand, if it lands me a hunk like Eric, then I'll throw down the $105 for a couture sheet of my very own. And I wouldn't even need to trade my voice for legs - not a bad deal.

Of course, he seemed to like the fact that she didn't talk, so my feminist sensibilities are incensed. Will they win out over a childhood crush?

Maybe I'll see if the Beast is still available. And if he'll cut that mullet.

Funktional Parachute Dress - $105

Hey, F21, Got a Minute?

Hey, Forever 21. Glad you could make it. What's up? How've you been? Thanks for the cute grey denim skirt I got the other day; I've been wearing it constantly. I didn't expect that grey denim could be so versatile, but I actually have to stop myself from wearing it every day. So, thanks for that.



But that's not why I called you here. We have to talk.



Look, I know that sometimes it seems like "couture" is just shorthand from "hideous and unwearable." There are times when you look at a Marc Jacobs dress, and you can't help but think of Marcel Duchamp's urinal exhibition. I get that couture can, at times, seem too ugly to actually be fashionable, so therefore its unwearability must be what makes it couture.



But you're Forever 21. Your job is to bring affordable, disposable clothes to the masses. Your job is not couture. And even ignoring that aspect, you're subscribing to the "couture is unwearable" school of thought, which sort of defeats the purpose of making accessible clothing.



Sometimes, your clothes accidentally add volume around the hips. This is not a case of accidental. You apparently thought it was a good idea to have the hip pockets jut out in front, while complementing them with a giant butt bow. And that is a giant one. It looks like the model is wearing butt padding.*



I've mentioned my rule in the past of, "if it looks bad on the model/mannequin, it won't work on you" (also known as, The Mannequin Rule). This is a prime example.

Don't argue, Forever 21. I'm not done yet.



This is not where a bow is supposed to be positioned! This is where a bow is supposed to be positioned when you're 90, and your bow has been abused by years of gravity's cruel hands. Last I checked, your target demographic is supposed to have high, pert bows. Why would you do this to them? Many of them have worked hard to get their bows looking good, why would you intentionally design a dress that makes it look like they're late to Bingo Night at the home?

I just don't understand it. I don't understand anything about this dress. I don't understand how everyone on the design team okay'ed it. Did no one stop to say, "Hey, let's maybe not make this dress"? There wasn't even a suggestion of, "Let's move the giant ass bow a little higher"? How did so many stand silent when such an abomination against fabric was created?

I know you're capable of so much more, Forever 21. My favorite dresses have all come from you. I wear your scoop-neck t-shirts literally every day - and when I say literally, I mean it in the literal sense, as opposed to the increasingly common slang sense meaning "sometimes." No, really, I dress like a cartoon character, in the same thing every day.

So be better than this, Forever 21. Stop this couture foolishness and go back to making awesomely wearable surplice dresses and astonishingly trashy club clothing. That's what you're best at doing. Embrace it. And please, I'm begging you, burn the pattern for this dress so that no future generations can make the same mistake.

*In my defense, the only reason I knew to look for a still from Date Movie was because I worked for the studio that produced it, and I had to copy the script every time a new revision came in ... and there were many, many revisions.

Forever 21 Cut Off Mini Jean Skirt - $16.90
Forever 21 Pinstripe Couture Dress - $39

A Brief Musing on Marc Jacobs

Sometimes, I think Marc Jacobs is actually playing a joke on the fashion industry.



This is one of those times.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Jacquetta Striped Dress - $528

She's a Fun Gal

You know how denim dresses and ruffles are two of my least favorite things? Forever 21 decided to make my life easier by combining them into one dress!



I'm going to steal from a comment once posted by my friend Holly. She described ruffles as looking like a tree fungus. As far as I'm concerned, she's spot-on.



The Forever 21 description claims that the dress is "sexy on the top and flirty on the bottom," which I think is kind of a stretch. It's a denim dress. It can't really be sexy or flirty. I mean, I guess it can be, but in a very specific, denim-fetishist way.

Or it could just be my denim-prejudice. Which is strong - there will be a post later this week about another crime against jeans.

I'm pretty sure, though, that this dress is pretty wrong, though, even without my stance on denim dresses. Thoughts?

Forever 21 Strapless Denim Ruffle Dress - $29.80

Caked On

We hold these truths to be self-evident:

Cake is delicious.



This top would be remarkably unflattering on me. It has thin stripes that would get all stretched out from my boobs, making it look like deformed rock layers. The poufy tiers would make the rest of my body look massive. Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see tiers on a top, it reminds me of a torso tutu. And while yes, my upper body would love to look like a pretty ballerina, it will end with my resembling a dancing hippo from Fantasia.

It's too bad - I love the fabric used for the tiers. If they had used that fabric to make a cute silk button-down top, with puffy sleeves and maybe a little ruffled bib, I'd actually be all over it. Oh well. It lives on in my mind.

ModCloth Birthday Cake Top - $34.99

Sea Sluggish

Forever 21 really likes to add unnecessary fabric to their clothes in an attempt at making it look classy and like it's not totally disposable. On rare occasions, it works. But, more often than not, it goes horribly awry.



Take this shirt, for example. My first thought upon seeing the shoulder puffs wasn't "Oh, cute embellishment." No, it was "Whoa, that looks like two sea slugs facing off to penis fence."



Wow. I finally found a way to work penis fencing into this blog. My work here is done.

Forever 21 Blossom Shoulder Tee - $26

Hybrid Skirts Spread, Panic Ensues

So, remember those hybrid skirts Forever 21 has been selling?



Apparently, it's a thing. Sure, Hollister's version is a little more understated - it's more like a petticoat hem peeking out than a full on bustle. But it ruins the simplicity of a jean skirt. Oh, and also, I think it's kind of ugly. But hey, if you really liked the F21 skirts, but wished they were more expensive, here you go. Enjoy.

Hollister & Co. Laguna Hills - $44.50

Tulle-y Denim

Back in the early days of the blog, I posted about Forever 21's denim-fabric hybrid skirts. At the time, I said that these skirts would only be necessary if you were torn between wearing your denim mini or a ruffled skirt, and you decided to split the difference.

Apparently, there were enough people out there who had that problem, because Forever 21 has not only made another style of it, but this time, it's formal wear.



See, you know it's formal because it's kind of a dark denim and the rips aren't big enough to show skin. Plus, the black tulle hem looks like it was lopped off an actual dress and stitched onto this monstrosity as a warning to other dresses.

I'm having a hard time seeing where the demand for this style of skirt is coming from, but then again, I also don't understand who keeps buying the high-waist button placket styles, either. Have we learned nothing, as a society, from the missteps of the celebrities who wore high-waisted denim and were subsequently ridiculed for it? Why do people keep buying this style? I can't imagine it's that flattering on so much of the population. And if it's not selling, then why do the designers keep making it?



I will say, one thing I do like about this skirt is the attached beaded chain. Because that beaded chain really pulls the look together.

No, seriously, who on the design team said, "What this high-waisted, ripped denim skirt with a tulle hem needs is a jeweled chain?" Because they were 100% correct.

The chain is removable, but really, why would you?

Forever 21 Tulle Trimmed Denim Skirt - $19.80

Dol-mention It

I don't understand Dolman sleeves. I really don't. On rare occasions, it can be done properly. But otherwise, the best-case scenario is that the top looks like it doesn't fit right.

The worst case scenario?



It leaves you or the model looking like something horrible has happened to your torso.

Every time I look at this picture, I just want to get her to a doctor so she can have that dislocated shoulder fixed. But that desire is tempered by the fact that I'm afraid to take her outside, lest a strong wind carry her away like she's a well-dressed sugar glider.



Just so we're clear - yes, the sugar glider is very cute, let's focus here - just so we're clear, the Dolman sleeves actually extend down to the low waist of the dress. Her entire torso is Dolman sleeved. That's a lot of sleeve. And yet, the designer felt it necessary to add full-length fitted sleeves to the dress. How much sleeve does this dress actually require?

If they had just taken the Dolman sleeves in a little, removed the long sleeves, and made it a minidress, I'd be on board. I probably wouldn't wear it, because I have an hourglass shape and adding extra, baggy fabric to my chest will only end with my looking like I'm wearing a muumuu. But it would work.

Okay, I have to stop looking at this dress before I call a chiropractor for the poor girl.

French Connection Feather Frost Plains Dress - $118

Thanks, ModCloth Naming Committee

This dress was submitted by weather guru and blog promoter extraordinaire Nicole. Says she:

Something about the dress just seems off. I don't know if it's the piped waistline, or the fact that my eye is drawn to the gap in the collar and the plaid front panel, or the plaid itself (trade the red for green or yellow and it might have gone better, but I can't say for sure).



I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, despite being overlooked by the ModCloth Naming Committee. Clearly, the kind people at ModCloth just aren't aware of this blog yet; otherwise, there's no explanation for why this isn't called the "You Want Me To Wear What? Dress".

In fact, I think you should all email that suggestion to them.

Oh, right. The dress.

Look, I love plaid. And I love denim. I do not, however, understand why designers continue to insist on pairing them in dress form.

Repeat after me: "Plaid is not an accent fabric."

When you pair the two together, it doesn't create a fashion-forward dress. It looks like something you got off a Kmart clearance rack from 1994. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but whenever I look at dresses like this, I immediately think of denim vests with little patches on it. It reminds me of something that Finn's mom would wear.



On a construction level, the collar seems way too small for the dress itself. I think I'd like it better if the collar were oversized, because at least then it would feel a little more vintage. Also, the strip of plaid running down the center doesn't need to be that thick, unless you want to make your torso look wider. Otherwise, this dress bisects the body in a weird way that ends up making the whole thing look kind of frumpy, especially when accompanied by the extraneous piping along the waistline.



Also, the piping is the only detailing that is continued on the back of the dress. Look, I'm not a fan of the plaid collar, but if you're going to have it, at least continue it all the way around, just for the visual symmetry. I think this is one of the rare cases where I would rather there be more plaid than less.

So, is this whole denim/plaid thing going to keep going through the season? Because it's getting old, fast.

ModCloth Niotillfem Dress - $99.99

Tears for Tiers

The dress's name is so close to accurate. Because, looking at this dress, I can't help but feel like the dress is crying for what could have been.



If this dress didn't have these excessive tiers, I might actually have liked this dress. The shape of the bodice is nice in a vintage prom dress way, and the color kind of works for me.

But no. There are those damn tiers. And I think the dress knows that those tiers mar its elegance. I think it knows, and at night, when no one's looking, it cries.

So, an apt name, ModCloth, but a cruel twist of fate for the dress.

ModCloth The Tiers of a Gown - $64.99

Houndstooth Blanket Horrors

I'm all for creativity, especially when it involves repurposing.



For example, I think it was very clever of someone to sew together a bunch of Houndstooth scarves to create a blanket.



However, it is completely beyond me as to why someone would then attach strings to it and force a model to wear it. Does the designer have some sort of a grudge against the model? From the look on her face, she doesn't seem to know what she's done to deserve this treatment. Notice how she looks off-camera, hand to her head, as if she's wondering whether she's lost a bet, or maybe if she insulted the designer's dog. Poor girl. No one deserves this treatment.

I do like her shoes, though.

Patterson J. Kincaid Houndstooth Print "Jenny" Dress - $128

An Absence of Fit

Reader and Classics Scholar Emily sent this to me; she somehow managed to find time in her studies to surf the Forever 21 site.



Can someone please explain to Forever 21 that they need to stop trying to pass off bad fits as fashionable? This dress is a giant pink sack with some extra fabric tacked on.

Sorry, I just don't believe that the absence of fit qualifies as a style choice. Because that's what this is: the absence of fit. It's not like this is a loose-hanging dress, flapper-style or something. This is a dress that has no fit to it. It's just two panels of fabric sewn together.

The worst part is, I actually really like the ruffle running down the center. I like that it lays flat on itself, and that it only has four folds in it. I even like that it appears to wrap around the neckline - it's not something that I'd wear, but it is interesting. Had this dress been fitted properly, it might not have found its way onto this blog.

But no. Instead, it is a dress that completely lacks any fit. It is the singularity of fit. And for that, this dress is found wanting.

Forever 21 Sculptural Ruffle Dress - $36

So This Is the Beyond

I had, in a previous post, compared a Forever 21 dress to drapery found in Bed Bath and Beyond. It seems my assessment didn't take in the full scope of the issue.

No, it seems that Bed Bath and Beyond and Forever 21 have joined forces to create a line of Roman blind-inspired dresses and skirts.

And you won't be getting any complaints from me. As far as I'm concerned, these are tough economic times, and the length can probably be adjusted using a drawstrings. Think about it: you can have a maxi-length curtain skirt, or a mini curtain skirt! What's not to love?

Forever 21 Long Couture Skirt - $39