Chin Up

Look, I'm not a designer. I know I'm not a designer. I've never made any claims to the contrary. I am secure in the knowledge that, if you handed me a sketchpad, I would make the most boring dresses in the world. Sure, I'd love them, but they'd be really, really boring.



However.

This is just a thought, but ... if your model has to strain to extend her neck so that she isn't poked in the face with the giant bow attached to her hip, maybe - just maybe - you should make the bow a little smaller.

I'm just throwing that out there.

Derek Lam Bow Know Bustier Dress - $1,650

Flat, Snap, Button, Ugly

Sometimes I put on my corset top and my denim miniskirt, and I think, "If only this were one dress, made entirely of denim."

Ok, that's a lie. When I put on my corset top and denim miniskirt, I think, "Oh man, I really need to do some laundry."

This is one classy dress. You know it's classy because it's in dark denim, as opposed to faded or bleached denim.

What's really bugging me about this dress is that the buttons on the skirt aren't lined up with the buttons on the top. Do they need to be off-center? Is there a reason, other than to make me super-twitchy?

Oh, and there are front pockets. Here's the funny thing about pockets: if you have them on a skirt or dress, you will stick your hands in them. It's involuntary. Even if you don't normally stick your hands in pockets, you will do it when they're present on a skirt or dress. If you're doubtful, give it a shot and report back.

So, with that in mind, you know what this dress does not need? Front pockets, because you will stuff your hands in them, and any shot you have at poise in this dress will be gone.

Instead, you'll be wearing a dress short enough that even Serena on Gossip Girl would think twice about wearing it, but with your hands stuffed in your pockets, looking both skanky and awkward. Which is a fairly unusual combination, and maybe that's your look, in which case, via con dios. You're one of ten people in the world who actively aim for "skanky and awkward."

Forever 21 Flat Snap Buttoned Dress - $24.80

Suspension of Disbelief

As a larger-chested girl, I sometimes feel like my dresses don't offer the proper support.



Never once, though, have I thought, "This dress would be much better if it were styled more like a suspension bridge for my breasts."

Modcloth The Cindy Dress - $67.99

Costume Ideas #12: Hooker

For when "Slutty ___" is just too complicated.



Enjoy.

Forever 21 Cire Slip Dress - $19.80

Miller? I hardly know her.

I remember Nicole Miller having some great, simple dresses back in the late 90s.

I'm starting to wonder if that was some sort of a hallucination I had.

Here we have a bustier top and a pre-wrinkled skirt. Basically, it's a dress designed to look like you're doing the walk of shame. Which could be brilliant, I guess - if it catches on, it'd be hard to tell who's actually doing the walk of shame and who's just making a fashion choice.

And, since it's a bustier top, the cups end up giving your boobs eyes. But in this case, they're saggy and wrinkled eyes. Tired eyes, having seen better days.

This dress just kind of befuddles me. It's got a Mondrianish look to it, but with a graphic pattern. And what a graphic pattern it is.

I can't tell if these are sea anemones or intergalactic space flowers. Either way, I'm not sure what the hell they're doing on this dress. I mean, yeah, they're kind of pretty, but they also have the look of tentacle monster to them, and you should never, ever wear a tentacle monster on your dress. It just doesn't send the right message.

Nicole Miller Seafoam Crinkled Metallic Bustier Dress - $312
Nicole Miller Purple Geometric Floral Jersey Dress - $159