We All Scream

Over time, there have been certain catchphrases that have rightfully earned their place on bumper stickers and graphic ts alike. "Make Love, Not War." "Hugs Not Drugs."



"Melt Ice Cream, Not Glaciers" will not be one of them.

Let's deal with the obvious, glaring error in this statement: no one should ever let ice cream melt. Ever. Unless you're six and you still find "soupy" ice cream a novelty.

I'm not saying that letting ice cream melt is a catastrophe on the level of global warming, but ... no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

If the message is that melted ice cream is a fair exchange for melting glaciers - putting melted ice cream on par with catastrophic climate change - then I want a t-shirt that says, "Screw The Polar Bears, Save the Sprinkles."

Delia*s Melt Sundaes Tee - $26.50

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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

The Single Life

I realize that, at times, I overthink things. Occasionally.

In this case, though, I think my overthinking is justified. Because I've been confused about this type of shirt for ages now.



Okay. I love "heart" my boyfriend. I get the message. But I'm just not grasping the execution of wearing it.

If you're dating a guy, should he get worried if you go too long without wearing it? I mean, I usually put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I'd be concerned about a guy getting angry over why I'm not wearing it, like how Sheldon kept asking Sally where her Sunday underwear was.

When you guys inevitably break up, do you get rid of this shirt? Or, do you just wait until you get a new guy, then pretend that you bought it just for him? Is it awkward when he sees a picture of you with a former beau, and you're wearing that shirt? When you break up with a guy, does he say, "But your t-shirt said you hearted me!"When you're single, do you shove it in the drawer with those free shirts you get at the AIDs walk or a football game, but you never wear?



I do like, however, that this shirt is a prime example of mullet clothing - faithful in the front, come-hither in the back.

Forever 21 Fishbone Back Tee - $13.80

Shirley Manson Deserves Better

I love 90s music. I can sing along with almost all 90s rock songs. It's one of my superpowers, along with accidentally finding spiders. Yeah, the spider thing sucks. But, back on point, 90s music - I love it.



Somehow, I don't think this tank was what Garbage intended when they wrote and recorded the song in 1994. It's kind of like having a t-shirt with a cartoon on it and a Marilyn Manson quote. It's just weird.



Forever 21 Happy When It Rains Tank - $14.90

Panda image borrowed from here

And Now They're Dead.

Dinosaurs are awesome. Who doesn't love dinosaurs? Even Creationists are now incorporating them into their theories, and those guys hate everything! You can't not love a dinosaur. It's impossible to be apathetic about an Apatosaurus.



I do not, however, like this t-shirt. Why? Well, first of all, it feels like the makers of the shirt are using a dinosaur as a celebrity endorsement. Since you can't help but love a dinosaur, the t-shirt seems to be aligning the awesomeness of dinosaurs with vegetarianism - essentially, "Sauropods were vegetarians, and so am I!"

But being a vegetarian is a choice. Being an herbivore is not. There is a big difference. A vegetarian chooses not to eat meat for ethical reasons. An herbivore does not eat meat because their teeth and stomach are not designed for it. And, in fact, they do eat the bugs that are on the leaves they're eating, so even if you remove the aspect of choice from vegetarianism, they're still not vegetarians.

A label of "herbivore" on the t-shirt would not have earned this shirt a place on the site. In fact, I would probably have bought it and worn it proudly (bonus points if there were a matching "carnivore" one).

I will not let dinosaurs be used for propaganda. I didn't stand for it back when Eisenhower adopted the slogan "Velociraptors Like Ike!" and I won't stand for it now.



This shirt, however, is a poignant statement about our collective memory. How quickly do we forget about a tragic event that occurred only 65 million years ago.

Forever 21 Dino Vegetarian Tee - $14.90
Busted Tees Never Forget Tee - $22

Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like Years of Abandonment

I guess this is better than the Juicy Couture sweats with "Juicy" written across the seat.



However, this sweatshirt has a built-in tramp stamp. Seriously. That is the butterfly of father issues right there. I don't care that it's supposed to be a clever statement about your popularity. Instead, it looks like you're saying "I'm a social butterfly because I desperately seek the approval of others, having never been given any by my own father." But that would be a lot of text to fit on the back of a sweatshirt.

Aqua Sport Velour Social Butterfly Hoodie - $88

Kung Fu Pandas

Okay, am I missing something?



No, seriously. I do not get this t-shirt, to the point where I'm wondering if it's just absurdist and intentionally devoid of meaning.

This is a shirt with two pandas dressed in karate uniforms. One is holding nunchucks. The saying on the shirt reads "Oh no you didn't."

What is happening here? Did one panda anger the other panda? Are they mad over the deforestation and human encroachment on their habitats? Did they find Kung Fu Panda to be an offensive stereotype?

Why are these pandas so upset? Is it at each other, or an unseen foe? Is the intent of the shirt that the wearer is saying, "Oh no you didn't"? If that's the case, and this is a shirt from the wearer's perspective, should the viewer then stand to reason that the wearer is threatening them with ninja pandas?

Yeah, I'm guessing that's what the meaning behind this shirt is - don't piss me off, or I'll send my ninja pandas to attack you.

Forever21 No You Didn't Tee - $10.90

I Heart Prewashed

Yes, but how does he feel about faux-vintage t-shirts?

Forever21 Jesus Loves Me Tee - $16.90

The Writing's On the Shirt

T-shirts with slogans don't often merit much thought. So I'm just going to write one sentence responses for each.



People already think they're important enough as is, don't encourage them.



See above; also, after some of the art I've seen, I'd disagree.



If you need time, you're not very good at it.



I would change this to: "I <3 you more than a nerd would <3 to see boobs."

Forever 21 You Mean More Tee - $14.90Forever 21 Make Art Not War Top - $15.80
Forever 21 Give Me Time Top - $14.90
Forever 21 I Heart You More Tee - $16.90

Costume Ideas #13: The Rainbow Connection

Do you live in L.A.? Are you planning on going to the West Hollywood Halloween Parade?

Do you want to be wildly popular?

Wear this dress and a "No on Prop 8" button.

Modcloth Prism Dress - $47.99

Fur Sure.

I have so many responses to this shirt, I'm just going to list them:



1. If it weren't, it wouldn't be called "fur," it'd be called "a pet."

2. Really, you paid $28 for this shirt?

3. No, seriously. Couldn't you have saved a mink for $28?

4. Has anybody ever been swayed by a t-shirt? Is there someone out there who has kicked the heroin habit after seeing a "Hugs Not Drugs" t-shirt?

5. What's the thought process when you're getting dressed in the morning? "Hm, I have to run errands today ... do I wear my tunic and skinny jeans, or do I start a social movement?"

6. The best they could do for the design was something you can make a Neighborhoodies?

7. I want a shirt that says "Meat is Delicious," just to be contrary.

Modcloth Fur Is Dead Tee - $27.99