The One With the Flow Chart

See, this is why I try to avoid the Topshop website.



Because they sell things like this. This is a fishnet skirt. That they are selling. To people. For money.

Many times, I will ask the public at large, "Who would wear this?" or "Why would you wear this?

This is not one of those times.

No, in case you're wondering whether or not you should wear this skirt, I've made a helpful flow chart. Click to enlarge.



There. Problem solved.

Topshop Fishnet Skirt - $44

Fuzzy Memory

Okay. I don't know why, but whenever I look at this dress, all I can think is "Ewok."



I don't know if it's the texture of the dress, or the color, or the fact that the sleeves kind of remind me of ears. It's obviously some combination of the three. But regardless, every time I look at that dress, I see this:



Or, at least, I see their pelts. Which apparently retail for about $250.

Topshop Ruffle Dress - $250

Twee!

So I was trolling the TopShop website, and lo and behold, I found two things that I don't hate. Granted, they're a little precious, but ... yeah. I can't help myself.

I mean, come on! It's like those umbrellas you can buy at Disneyland! I want to write my name on it in cursive using puffy paint!

This beanie makes me want to move back to New York, so I'll have an excuse to wear it. And yes, I realize the cat ear thing is overdone beyond measure, but ... dammit, it's just so cute.

So if you want to buy either for me, you're more than welcome.

TopShop Cat Ear Beanie Hat - $20
TopShop Double Frill Walker Umbrella - $50

Double Your Fun Hideous

Oh, I love a good bargain.



Like this vest, which is reversible. You get two hideous vests for the price of one!

Topshop Reversible Gilet - $100

The Right to Bear Chests

At the founding of America, our forefathers made sure to protect a vital right:

A well regulated Torso, being necessary to the security of legs to the body, the right of the people to keep and Bear Chests, shall not be infringed.



While that amendment has since been put to the test in courts across the country, in cases such as Ranger v. Yogi Bear (1962), it's nice to see that the British support our vital right as Americans.

TopShop Boxy Faux fur Chubby Coat - $170

I'm Not Afraid To Say It

I unabashedly love these.



I'm sorry. I can't help it. I know they're impractical, will be wildly unflattering on almost everyone, and will wear terribly. I know. They're awful.

But oh my god, I love them.

Topshop Pink Sequin Hotpants - $50

Stop Hammertime.

Look, I get that Topshop is supposed to feature cutting-edge fashion. I get it.

That does not make reintroducing Hammerpants acceptable.



They call these "Dancefloor Trousers," but let's be honest: if you wear these on the dancefloor, odds are you're either a super dope homeboy from the Oak town, or you lost a bet.



And if you don't feel like going full-Hammer, you can go halfway and wear these totally flattering low-crotch knickers. You don't need a purse when you have a crotch this low. You can just drop your cell phone in the elastic waist and go knowing that the elasticized leg openings will keep anything important from slipping out.



I'm all for sequins - how can you not be, they're so shiny! You can just stare at them and forget everything around you because SHINY. SHINY SHINY SHINY SHINY - what? Sorry. Right. Hammerpants.

But you don't need this many sequins. And I can only imagine that the inside thigh sequins will wear thing very quickly and either bend or get skewed and just in general make the pants look like they're molting. They already kind of look like they're molting. And pants shouldn't molt.



These make you look like you have elephant crotch. As in, the crotch of an elephant. I don't know why that's where my mind goes, but that's what it looks like. Elephant crotch. And that's not a good thing.

In sum: please don't make me continue to go over all the ways in which these are not flattering. Let's just accept that, much like Jordan made Perry throw out his hammerpants on Scrubs, so too should we as a consumerist body throw out all hammerpants. Please. I'm begging you.

Topshop Dancefloor Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Snakeskin Print Hareems - $50
Topshop Sequin Trousers by Unique - $160
Topshop Hareem Tie Waist Trousers - $60

The Apex of Outerwear

I would definitely agree that this is the Ultimate Jewelled Jacket.



Mostly because, at $410, if you need more than one of these, you're an idiot.

Topshop Ultimate Jewelled Jacket - $410

Hip To It

I like to think of peplums - wait, let me put in a disclaimer: I don't like to think of peplums.



But when I am forced to, I like to think of peplums as garnish for your hips. It's like the parsley that comes on your plate along with a cheeseburger. You don't need it, you're not going to use it, and all it's doing is adding more stuff to the plate and making it harder to maneuver.



That's what the peplum on this skirt is doing: adding bulk around your cheeseburger platter and making it harder to maneuver.

TopShop Taffeta Peplum Skirt - $70

Eye of the Tiger

I don't get it. I don't.



Won't half the tiger's face be obscured by whatever bottoms you're wearing? Are you supposed to just not wear pants so as to show the full tiger face? Because if that's the case, please don't do that. We all know what tigers look like; we don't all need to know how efficient your waxer is.

Topshop Tiger Face Bodysuit - $32

These Jumpsuits Are Terrible

I have been dreading writing about these jumpsuits. Dreading. In the way that, whenever I look at them, writing this blog stops being fun and starts being a chore, because I know I have to write about these eventually. I have to; they're too horrible not to be covered here. I've had these saved to my computer for at least two weeks, but I've avoided writing about them.

Why?

Because I don't know what to say. They're that horrible. Behold, and you too can lose your faith in clothing.

I'm pretty sure the only people who can wear these and have them fit properly are women on South Park.





Dissected individually ...


There's no waist. Instead, it blouses out around where one might carry a spare tire. If one doesn't have a spare tire, by the time you're done wearing it, you'll have one. Then it gathers, and flares again, creating an all-around unappealing look. It appears to be ill-fitting through the legs, and that's when it's on a mannequin. The effect is probably not made any better on a live person.

This defies the rule that black is slimming. This is slimming only if, upon seeing yourself in it, you can't hold down food for two weeks.



Well, it's ... roomy.

The color is awful. I can't imagine a skin tone it would be flattering on. As a positive, it doesn't taper into skinny legs, like the black one does. However, it does end up being puffy and ending in large cuffs, reminding you of how you've imprisoned yourself in a hideous jumpsuit.

I am not kidding when I say that these jumpsuits are deeply upsetting. They are being sold to the public, and I'm afraid that people are buying them. Not just buying them, but paying $160+ for them. How is this still legal?

Topshop Premium Silk Halter Jumpsuit - $160
Topshop Premium Silk Floral Jumpsuit - $160

TopShop, by Nanook.

I know winter came early to the Northeast this. year.

But unless you live in frozen tundra, it can never be cold enough to justify wearing this. Ever.

TopShop Knitted Balaclava - $32

Unsuitable

Hey, look, Topshop keeps selling bodysuits!



Hey, you know what those seams are not? Flattering. Also, apparently this is acid washed denim, and the TopShop website advises you to "wear with this season's hareem trousers." It's very nice of them to roll all the trends I hate into one outfit, so I can better dismiss it out of hand.



As for this one, I'm just thinking, aren't bodysuits supposed to be sort of a foundational garment, or suitable for layering? Because this is a lace bodysuit, and I'm pretty sure there's no way for this not to be inappropriate for streetwear, unless you're walking the streets. And if that's the case, I'd say you're doing very well for yourself, given than you're wearing a $50 lace bodysuit. So, go you, I guess.

Topshop Seamed Bodysuit - $36
Topshop Full Sleeve Lace Bodysuit - $50

Dark Mistress Belt

I've never been afraid of an accessory.

Until now.

I'm pretty sure it was made out of some medieval torture device. This is a belt that has its own dungeon. And it will not relent until you feel pain.

Fear the belt. It will destroy you.

TopShop Multi Elastic Corset Belt - $44

Gossip Girl on Ice!

First off, some cross-promotion. Check out my entry for "Rufus Getting Married" over at www.youknowyoulovefashion.com, the Gossip Girl fashion blog I sometimes write for.

Now, onto the clothes.

This dress is called the "Ice Skater Dress." Normally, when someone says a dress looks like it would be worn by an ice skater, it's a criticism, not something to brag about.

However, this dress is cute. This dress does Icecapades Chic right. It would look amazing on one of the Gossip Girls - probably Blake, since she's contractually required to wear short, revealing clothes.

On me, however, I would look like a former Icecapdes understudy who relives her glory days by squeezing back into her old costume and gliding through the house in socks. Which, yes, I do that already. But not in a $250 dress. When I wear a $250 dress, I twirl in circles like a little girl, squealing "I look so pretty!"

So, yeah. This dress would work on Blake Lively, but not on me. Also, I overshare and should probably not do that so much.

The end.

(unless you want to keep reading about Gossip Girl fashion, in which case, you should start reading You Know You Love Fashion, because the other writers are brilliantly funny)

Topshop Ice Skater Dress by Boutique - $250

Marbled is Only Good For Steak

Okay, guys, seriously, I have a question: is this something we're doing now?

Because, really, I can't do it. I can't. This is tie-dyed denim. TIE-DYED. BLEACHED. DENIM.



Starting with these offerings from Modcloth - first of all, I thought skinny jeans weren't supposed to make you look thigh-heavy. And yet, these manage to because they are an unflattering rise, way too skinny, and also TIE-DYED. With a random blue splotch on the pocket, making it look like you left your Uniball uncapped in your pocket.



The LEAST OFFENSIVE of these options comes from Topshop. THE LEAST. This skirt could almost pass for wearable, and these shorts don't look all that marble bleached - more just selectively faded. But that doesn't change the fact that these are all marble bleached denim.



And these are marble bleached black denim. One of which is a vest. A denim vest. That is marble bleached. And sleeveless. When paired with the skirt, it makes quite the Texas Tuxedo. Is the matching mullet sold separately?

White Lightning Skinny Jeans - $49.99
Modcloth White Lightning Shorts - $34.99
Topshop Tie Dye Denim Pelmet Skirt - $50
Topshop Marble Bleach Frayed Hotpants - $55
Topshop Denim Shirt by Boutique - $100
Topshop High Waisted Denim Mini Skirt - $55

Stronger, Better, Faster

What does the design of this dress remind you of?

If your answer was "those stupid sunglasses Kanye West used to wear," then congratulations, we have the same thought process. You should be very, very afraid.

I guess this would be a nice counterattack to my constant fear of my breasts looking like they have eyes. I can confront that phobia head-on by giving them sunglasses. Yeah, they may have eyes, but at least you can't see them!

Topshop Squiggle Dress by Unique - $135

Romper Room

Rompers, from what I can tell, are supposed to recall the innocence of youth while maintaining a whimsical nature that only a fashion-savvy adult can bring.



With this, you can definitely recall the innocence of youth. It looks like it has a built in diaper that needs changing.

The thing is, that could be totally changed with one simple fix: bring the crotch up. I mean, really, there is no one with a torso that freakishly long. The crotch is going to hang somewhere around the lower thigh area. There's no reason to have the crotch sit that low. Maybe if you're going to use the extra space for storage, but if that's the case, seriously, just buy a fanny pack already. Don't encourage the low-crotch trend.

Topshop Cotton Jumpsuit by Boutique - $125

El Dio de los Muertos

Well, this shirt will haunt me in my dreams.



Partly because the colors have scarred themselves onto my retinas.

Topshop Floral Skull Tee - $36

Don't Take It For Granite

The geology nerd in me loves this skirt because it reminds me of a piece of marble or granite with a mineral vein running through it.



The clothing buyer in me hates it because, while that's a very pretty look for a rock, it's not particularly attractive as an article of clothing.

Topshop Tie Dye Beaded Pelmet Skirt - $100