I've Information Vegetable, Animal, and Ugly Clothes

A few months ago, I commented that my biggest issue with Nicole Miller is that she tries too hard.

I'm glad she hasn't decided to prove me wrong.



Unless she was designing the costume for Major-General Stanley in an all-female production of The Pirates of Penzance. If that's the case, then I totally get this dress. In fact, I want a ticket, so if someone can arrange that, I'd be much obliged.

If this is a dress she designed with any degree of seriousness, then I'm really at a loss as to what she was thinking, other than "Hm. I feel like designing something just slightly nautical, but fairly unwearable."

Nicole Miller Embellished Off the Shoulder Dress - $390

Miller? I hardly know her.

I remember Nicole Miller having some great, simple dresses back in the late 90s.

I'm starting to wonder if that was some sort of a hallucination I had.

Here we have a bustier top and a pre-wrinkled skirt. Basically, it's a dress designed to look like you're doing the walk of shame. Which could be brilliant, I guess - if it catches on, it'd be hard to tell who's actually doing the walk of shame and who's just making a fashion choice.

And, since it's a bustier top, the cups end up giving your boobs eyes. But in this case, they're saggy and wrinkled eyes. Tired eyes, having seen better days.

This dress just kind of befuddles me. It's got a Mondrianish look to it, but with a graphic pattern. And what a graphic pattern it is.

I can't tell if these are sea anemones or intergalactic space flowers. Either way, I'm not sure what the hell they're doing on this dress. I mean, yeah, they're kind of pretty, but they also have the look of tentacle monster to them, and you should never, ever wear a tentacle monster on your dress. It just doesn't send the right message.

Nicole Miller Seafoam Crinkled Metallic Bustier Dress - $312
Nicole Miller Purple Geometric Floral Jersey Dress - $159