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You know you watch too much Lost when ...



You see this t-shirt and your first thought is, "I wonder if they have a Team Smoke Monster?"

Delia*s Team Jacob Tee - $26.50

A Message to the Pandas

Yes, I have a tendency to read too much into graphic tees. It's part of that whole "overanalyzing" thing that I do.



Look, Panda, I'm not going to argue with you about the cute thing. You're a panda. You're freaking adorable. You are giant balls of cuddle.



I'm not allowed near the San Diego Zoo any more because I once tried to hop the fence at the panda enclosure because I wanted to take a nap and use your stomachs as pillows.

Smarter, though? Yeah, that's up for debate. You subsist on a diet of bamboo, which is so low in nutrients that you have to eat 30 pounds of it a day, a tenth of your weight. This is in spite of the fact that you have big, sharp carnivore teeth and a happy carnivore digestive tract, all designed to allow you to eat tiny creatures full of nutrients.

Oh, and also, you don't know how to mate, so zookeepers have to show you panda porn, in what must be the most awkward birds and bees moment this side of my dad singing a song about sperm and eggs to my brother.

So yes, Panda. You may be cuter than I am, but smarter? Well, given the fact that I'm not currently in a zoo because I'm actually incapable of surviving in the wild, I'd say that match point is mine.

Forever 21 Cuter and Smarter Tee - $9.80

Fall Out Of It

After spending some time on The Gap website the other day, looking at their denim tuxedos, I've figured out The Gap Conundrum.

What is The Gap Conundrum? It's deceptive in its simplicity. Basically, it boils down to the question: why is The Gap so terrible, when so much of what they sell are basics?

I almost feel bad posting about The Gap. It's like picking on 9th grade me for wearing a denim tuxedo - it's just too easy. Their declining sales have been widely publicized for years. They clearly can't figure out who their market is, or what they want their niche to be. More often than not, their styling choices lean more toward "wrinkled and ill-fitting." And that is the problem.



This does not look appealing. I do not want to wear this shirt. It does not look like it fits the model right. I don't care how happy she is while wearing it, there's no reason that the arm holes should be so low that they create that kind of pulling and folding through the chest.



This is a t-shirt from J.Crew. It's $6 more, but look at the difference in fit. See how it looks crisp? That is because it fits, and that is what The Gap fails at. None of their womenswear looks like it fits.



This is another shot of their "Favorite Stretch T." My only thought: If I wanted to buy a shirt that's not fitted, I'd shop at Eileen Fischer.

I've bought perfectly fitting t-shirts from Forever 21 before, and those were $5, so this isn't a case where price determines accuracy of the fit. No, this is a problem with The Gap.

What's interesting is, from what I can tell, their fit on men's clothing appears to be fine. It's hard to say for sure, because they seem adverse to posting pictures of male models wearing their clothes, but from the few pictures I've seen, the clothes seem to fit the men better.

So, where's the disconnect? Why is J.Crew capable of making a t-shirt that, at least on the model, appears to live up to the title of "perfect T", while the Gap struggles to make the style work on women who exist solely to look good in clothing?

It's too bad. I remember the Gap heyday, when people would randomly start swing dancing in the streets while wearing khakis. That was the influence of The Gap.

Now, I can't remember the last time I bought something from The Gap. Okay, I take that back. I think I bought a belt from them once.

Maybe I'm misguided here. Maybe the problem with The Gap isn't in their ill-fitting staples and unappealing styling.

But honestly, I don't know a single person who isn't always looking for a good basic t-shirt. If they could fill that niche - if they could get back to the clothes that fit right and look sharp - I'd start shopping there again. And given how many t-shirts I have in my drawer, my business would probably help a lot.

The Gap Favorite Stretch T - $16.50 $10
J. Crew Perfect Fit Short-Sleeve Crewneck T-Shirt - $22.50 or 2 for $30

The Side-Tie Returns

Several months ago, I posted a Forever 21 shirt that tied on the side, just like I used to wear my shirts back in junior high. I thought maybe it was the start of a new trend, but I hadn't seen one since.



Until now. Hollister's spring line features a shirt that, had Hollister existed 15 years ago, ten year old Amanda would have been all about. I'd throw on a pair of denim shorts I'd cut myself, mismatched hi-top Converse, and maybe a pair or two of scrunched down socks, and I'd be a very, very happy little dork.

And yes, I realize that, by 1995, I was late to those trends. But it's not that I was late, per se. It's just that I let everyone else test them, first.

Hollister & Co. Crescent Bay T - $19.50

The Single Life

I realize that, at times, I overthink things. Occasionally.

In this case, though, I think my overthinking is justified. Because I've been confused about this type of shirt for ages now.



Okay. I love "heart" my boyfriend. I get the message. But I'm just not grasping the execution of wearing it.

If you're dating a guy, should he get worried if you go too long without wearing it? I mean, I usually put off doing laundry for as long as possible. I'd be concerned about a guy getting angry over why I'm not wearing it, like how Sheldon kept asking Sally where her Sunday underwear was.

When you guys inevitably break up, do you get rid of this shirt? Or, do you just wait until you get a new guy, then pretend that you bought it just for him? Is it awkward when he sees a picture of you with a former beau, and you're wearing that shirt? When you break up with a guy, does he say, "But your t-shirt said you hearted me!"When you're single, do you shove it in the drawer with those free shirts you get at the AIDs walk or a football game, but you never wear?



I do like, however, that this shirt is a prime example of mullet clothing - faithful in the front, come-hither in the back.

Forever 21 Fishbone Back Tee - $13.80

A Correction

Last week, I posted an indignant rant about the differences between an herbivore and a vegetarian, and why dinosaurs are not vegetarians. I also said that, had they made a matching shirt with "Carnivore" written on it, I would not have objected to the shirt.



That being the case, it seems the "Vegetarian" t-shirt previously written about is not a dinosaur-themed article of propaganda, but instead, it's just inaccurate. I stand corrected.

And, true to my word, I bought the carnivore t-shirt. Because come on - dinosaurs are awesome.

Forever 21 T-Rex Carnivore Tee - $14.90

Shredded What?

Back when I was gainfully employed, I loved to bring all my old receipts into the office so I could shred them on the industrial shredder. You could put in fistfulls of receipts. It was great. That and ordering Post-Its on Staples.com, those were two of the great joys at that job.



But sometimes, I would get a little overzealous, or the shredder would already be full, and it would stop mid-shred. I would press the reverse button, and out would come my AmEx bill, torn into strips halfway up.

It never occurred to me that I could run a shirt through the shredder and sell it.

Hollister & Co. Harbor Cove - $9.95

Love Bites

Alright, this has gone far enough. I know that kids today are all into Twilight and the tragic romance between a girl and the hunky vampire with sparkly skin who is torn between wanting to love her and wanting to eat her. I get it.




But seriously? No. Vampires make terrible boyfriends. Keep in mind, they're constantly fighting the overwhelming urge to kill you. Because they are.

It's the equivalent of if a lion started dating a gazelle. Yeah, at first he'd be buying the gazelle flowers and chocolates, but after a week or so, he's going to get kind of hungry while they're at that all-grass restaurant the gazelle loves so much, and he's going to start picturing a giant steak where the gazelle is sitting. It's only a matter of time before the lion is going all National Geographic on his gazelle-friend.

So, yeah, Vampires make the best boyfriends, if your criteria for good boyfriend includes "wants to consume me." Never mind the fact that he can't go out in the day time. Yeah, sure, sparkle-skin is great and all, but that's fiction. Everyone knows that vampires can't go into sunlight.

Also, they're really old, so I'm sure you'd have to listen to a lot of "Back when I was human, we had to walk ten miles in the snow" and whatnot. And do you really want to have to explain how the internet works to your boyfriend?

Sure, vampires tend to be hunky (they apparently only like to turn the good-looking ones). And of course it's flattering to be hit on by the undead. But let's be honest here: they are not good boyfriends.

Unless you're really into tragic romances, in which case, you're 15, of course you are, go read Wuthering Heights and write in your LiveJournal about how no one understands you.

Just don't date the undead. Or that weird guy at school who thinks he's a vampire. You're already going to be embarrassed about what you wore back when you were 15; you don't need to be embarrassed about who you dated.

Delia*s Vampire's Boyfriend T-Shirt - $26.50

EEEEEEEEEE!

I, like many people, have a soft spot for things that are cute. I can't resist going into a pet shop and watching puppies chew on things (although, yes, I realize pet shops are evil). I once stood in the rodent hut at the Bronx Zoo for 20 minutes with my finger against the glass of a European field mouse exhibit, because the tiny European field mice kept standing on their hind legs and licking the glass where my finger was. I then went home and changed a Wikipedia article on field mice to include the fact that European field mice "administer tiny mouse kisses."



With that in mind, buy these shirts at your own risk. There is a very good chance that, if I happen to see you wearing one, I will run up and hug you.



Especially if you're wearing this one. If you're wearing this, I will probably squeeze you while saying "Squish," because one of my greatest desires in life is to squish a baby penguin.

Consider yourself warned.

Delia*s Polar Bear Baby Tee - $24.50
Delia*s Penguin Baby Tee - $24.50

And Now They're Dead.

Dinosaurs are awesome. Who doesn't love dinosaurs? Even Creationists are now incorporating them into their theories, and those guys hate everything! You can't not love a dinosaur. It's impossible to be apathetic about an Apatosaurus.



I do not, however, like this t-shirt. Why? Well, first of all, it feels like the makers of the shirt are using a dinosaur as a celebrity endorsement. Since you can't help but love a dinosaur, the t-shirt seems to be aligning the awesomeness of dinosaurs with vegetarianism - essentially, "Sauropods were vegetarians, and so am I!"

But being a vegetarian is a choice. Being an herbivore is not. There is a big difference. A vegetarian chooses not to eat meat for ethical reasons. An herbivore does not eat meat because their teeth and stomach are not designed for it. And, in fact, they do eat the bugs that are on the leaves they're eating, so even if you remove the aspect of choice from vegetarianism, they're still not vegetarians.

A label of "herbivore" on the t-shirt would not have earned this shirt a place on the site. In fact, I would probably have bought it and worn it proudly (bonus points if there were a matching "carnivore" one).

I will not let dinosaurs be used for propaganda. I didn't stand for it back when Eisenhower adopted the slogan "Velociraptors Like Ike!" and I won't stand for it now.



This shirt, however, is a poignant statement about our collective memory. How quickly do we forget about a tragic event that occurred only 65 million years ago.

Forever 21 Dino Vegetarian Tee - $14.90
Busted Tees Never Forget Tee - $22

As Real As She Is

This shirt is about as authentically punk as Avril Lavigne.



Which is to say, as punk as you can get from shopping at Kohl's.

I understand shirts that are faux-layered (ie: a sweater with a button-down collar attached) because it's so hard to get that look through normal layering. However, wearing a shirt with pre-attached suspenders is just lame. Go through the extra step of buying and wearing suspenders, if you're going for the "I'm a punk" thing. Just do it. Otherwise, you're stuck tucking in your shirt, or wearing a t-shirt that has built-in suspenders, and the whole thing is just trying so hard. Which is right up Ms. Lavigne's alley, because if there's one thing she's consistently done through her whole career, it's try way, way too hard.

Despite all my criticisms, I would pay to see Larry King in this on a Casual Friday.

Abbey Dawn Drama Queen Suspender Tunic - $36 $18

Kung Fu Pandas

Okay, am I missing something?



No, seriously. I do not get this t-shirt, to the point where I'm wondering if it's just absurdist and intentionally devoid of meaning.

This is a shirt with two pandas dressed in karate uniforms. One is holding nunchucks. The saying on the shirt reads "Oh no you didn't."

What is happening here? Did one panda anger the other panda? Are they mad over the deforestation and human encroachment on their habitats? Did they find Kung Fu Panda to be an offensive stereotype?

Why are these pandas so upset? Is it at each other, or an unseen foe? Is the intent of the shirt that the wearer is saying, "Oh no you didn't"? If that's the case, and this is a shirt from the wearer's perspective, should the viewer then stand to reason that the wearer is threatening them with ninja pandas?

Yeah, I'm guessing that's what the meaning behind this shirt is - don't piss me off, or I'll send my ninja pandas to attack you.

Forever21 No You Didn't Tee - $10.90

MTV Had Music?

Remember that time when Forever 21 made a tank with Courtney Love on it, and I pointed out that the target demographic for Forever 21 doesn't remember a time when Courtney Love wasn't a total mess?



How many of those kids have ever seen a record in real life?

Forever21 I Love My Music Tee - $12.80

Wolf Like Me

Apparently, this is a top. It is not, as I erroneously thought, the shredded corpse of a top.



My best guess is that Forever 21 is trying to draw in teenagers by subtly reminding them of werewolves, and subsequently, the Twilight series. Although, that's a pretty big gamble, because you run the risk of alienating all the girls who aren't on Team Jacob.

Personally, I'm on Team Phillip, but that's because I like my men with a healthy fear of fire, and green's totally my color.



Forever 21 lash Beaded Knit Top - $29.80

Face the Music

Clearly, I don't get the kids of today.



If I did, maybe I would understand why you would wear Avril Lavigne's giant face on a t-shirt. Or, if I understood kids today, the KISS-style star over her eye would make sense.

"Dare to be different. You'll steal the spotlight wearing this juniors' Abbey Dawn boyfriend tee," says the website. I can't really argue with either of those points. After all, it certainly would be different to wear a t-shirt with Avril Lavigne's giant face on it, given that her whole "punk rock" look hasn't really been new or fresh since 2002. And you will steal the spotlight, as people try to figure out just whose face you're wearing, since it's only identifiable as Avril because it's her own clothing line. I guess you could say she has a big head about herself.

The t-shirt is described as a "boyfriend tee," but quite frankly, if you've stolen this shirt from your boyfriend, you two need to have a serious discussion.

Abbey Dawn Boyfriend Face Tee - was $24, now $12

I Heart Prewashed

Yes, but how does he feel about faux-vintage t-shirts?

Forever21 Jesus Loves Me Tee - $16.90

The Writing's On the Shirt

T-shirts with slogans don't often merit much thought. So I'm just going to write one sentence responses for each.



People already think they're important enough as is, don't encourage them.



See above; also, after some of the art I've seen, I'd disagree.



If you need time, you're not very good at it.



I would change this to: "I <3 you more than a nerd would <3 to see boobs."

Forever 21 You Mean More Tee - $14.90Forever 21 Make Art Not War Top - $15.80
Forever 21 Give Me Time Top - $14.90
Forever 21 I Heart You More Tee - $16.90

Everything Old is New Again

I was wondering the other day what happened to all my old scrunchies, since I can't imagine I would throw them out.

Apparently, Forever 21 has hot glued them onto headbands.

Which is great news, since they're also carrying side-tie shirts again. All I need are some bike shorts and a pair of cokebottle glasses, and I'll look like I did when I was 8.



Forever21 Satin Pouf Headband - $3.80
Forever 21 Side Tie Knit Tunic - $10.80

Street Walking

Do you love hookers with a heart of gold, but get sick of wearing that same old Pretty Woman tee-shirt?



Thanks to Guess, now you can add some variety to your wardrobe.

Guess Phoebe Ruby Tee - $39

El Dio de los Muertos

Well, this shirt will haunt me in my dreams.



Partly because the colors have scarred themselves onto my retinas.

Topshop Floral Skull Tee - $36